Slight Discouragement

Good news:

My developmental Psych class is over and although I didn't do so great on the last test it didn't count so I still ended up with an "A" for the class.

This week was a difficult and unsettling one in my Anatomy and Physiology class. Tuesday we had our second lecture exam and our teacher wasn't there due to a family emergency. We took the test and I felt confident. The great thing is that after taking the test, we get to take it again in groups.

Even in the group, we all agreed on the answers and they were all the answers I had chosen originally. I felt so confident I aced it. So this morning I check my grade.......... 82%.

WTF???!!

I've been mulling it over in my mind, thinking about the 2 questions I was slightly unsure of but even if I'd gotten them both wrong I'd still be at 96%.
How could I get 82%??? Of course i'm not perfect but I was so sure- everything seemed so clear.
So that's been pretty discouraging today.
Last night we had our lab test on bones. With our teach being out Tuesday, we didn't have lab which really was a disadvantage.

I'm not very confident about my lab exam and hope that I did fairly well to make up for the lecture exam. This had just been an off week for me.

I'm exhausted, not only from school full time at night, but from also working full time (some of my workdays are 10+ hours to adjust for the shorter hours I have to do on early school days). I'm also tired from weekends of having wedding showers and other events.

To top it off, I find out my sister's not very happy with me because I'm not devotiong more time to her and in elaborately planning parties-- with themes and whatever other people are doing for their friends.
I guess me freeing up 6 weekends of my summer to accomodate her and be at all her parties and plan half of them with very little help from her wasn't enough.

6 weekends- that's half the weekends in a summer.

Yet when I was trying to explain it, well my mom seems to understand, but my dad thinks I'm not being considerate of my sister...because it's "something she's only going to do once in her life".

Gee that's great. Not only is this a wedding day for them---- it's a fricking wedding YEAR! This whole year has been nothing but talk of this wedding.

Who cares that I turned 30? Who cares that there are any other events going on.....like my cousin who just got married. I really don't want to even be around this wedding because it makes me feel like crap that the one thing I want most- to settle down- looks like it will never happen. I can't even get a friggin date. I'm so scared of even entering into a relationship having had 2 boyfriends die, one take advantage of me, and one turn gay.

Nope, it's all about my sister. And yeah I'm happy for them and I want to give them time and attention. I'm honored to be the maid of honor but I can only stretch so far and it just hurts when I give my best and it's not good enough.

That's always been my biggest neurosis---- never feeling like I measure up and I suffer a massive ego complex to compensate for it. I'm overly competitive and hard on myself and always have to outdo everyone just to feel worthy of existing.

That's so not right but that's how I feel.

Wow, didn't mean to totally unload like that but think I needed it. .......

I'm just tired and very emotional. I'm almost overwhelmed but I hope things will settle down again soon.

These last few days it's been hard not to look back on the last 10 years and think so many good things happened then, but not much is really exciting in my life now. No dating, no partying or much friend time....I know there will be rewards from my efforts.......just gets to me that I have yet another mountain to climb sometimes.