So this past weekend I spent 48 glorious hours at my
(maternal) grandparents' cabin. The weather was perfect. The scenery in rapid transition from summer to fall and I found myself in tranquil bliss- that is until talk of selling the cabin came up.
This cabin has been in the family for over 50 years, and though I've been going to it for about 30 I don't necessarily feel entitled to it as much as I feel it's a part of me I couldn't bear to give up.
My mom and aunt were talking about my grandparents desire to sell- one day- though that day didn't sound too far off. When I questioned my mom and aunt, they seemed to feel strangers would soon be inhabiting this wonderfully tranquil place since no one if the family can afford to buy it outright and the fear was that there would be too much bickering if left to the whole family.
It bothered me all weekend. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to go up to the cabin one day, nor could I afford to buy it either. I kept thinking of ways in which I could.
Out of my grief, this morning I posted on Facebook something to the effect that my grandparents wanted to sell. I guess I alluded that they are currently selling which has caused somewhat of an uproar in the family leading to a chastisement from my grandfather.
I feel horrible. I only meant to convey my sadness at the thought of losing the cabin one day- which my be years off. It's not like there's a "For Sale" sign in the yard. (for only then would I believe it was true) As it stands, the cabin is NOT up for sale and may not be for a long time yet- or may never be. I just had to open my big fat e-mouth and now have to deal with the sweeping pandemonium.
So now I don't even feel worthy to go up there anymore. Perhaps this is profoundly stupid. It just fed into my feelings of crap for lack of wanting to articulately describe them. I'm not very articulate anyway. I'm more right brained. I live in pictures and images- not words.
Hopefully this will burn out quickly and I'll just go on remaining distant from every one. I feel like this is what I get for trying to engage myself in being open.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A New Beginning
Long time, no post. I'm more of a facebooker these days. I'm freakin' addicted to it, and I haven't felt like writing much. It hurts to look inside most of the time.
Hopefully this summer I can change that.
So last Wednesday Troy, my best friend of the last 7+ years, decided we should no longer be friends. Not that we had a fight, not that there was much wrong (I thought) but because I had planned a surprise birthday for his 40th and he found out about it.
Yes, silly me. I was trying to do something NICE for the man. As usual, it backfired on me. Once he found out he was furious (he hates surprises but constantly tells me one thing and does another).
Then he said he understood my intentions were good. I hadn't seen or spoken to him much since he took a new job in Coon Rapids as the service manager of the Hitching Post.
Out of the blue last Wednesday he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again and wanted to make that permanent.
If this were any other time or place I probably would've contested it until he gave in. I have argued my case, begged forgiveness and done whatever it took to be ok again. I wouldn't have eaten or slept for days and would have had anxiety thinking how my life could possibly go on without him.
This time is sooooo different! Maybe it's that I've HAD IT with catering to someone who really couldn't care less about all the times I helped him out. Maybe it's that he stole all the money I gave him to put into our bank account. (I mean the account was for both of us but he told me he put the money in and never asked to take it out.) Maybe I've had it with his whining, his belief that he's gay and how he rubs it in my face all the time.
I've had it with the constant double standards and two-facedness.
I've soooo HAD IT!!! In a rare move I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him again- but still want the thousands of dollars he owes me. It's been tragic to see him become everything he once said he hated. A fag, a mooch, a total ingrate. (this may be some repressed anger talking here) .
Do I still love him? Absolutely. But I finally love him enough to completely let him go. I've realized I can't help him anymore, I can't fight his battles. Finally I find myself worth enough to fight for. I've given myself permission to be selfish.
What a liberaton! No longer do I have that overwhelming anxiety about what will happen to me without him. i've adopted an "I don't care" attitude. In truth I DO care but I can't dwell on what's happened and still move forward.
For the first time in 7 years I can see my life as being happy with someone I haven't even met yet. Even though I'm now 31, I still hope that I will meet some great guy and have kids. First i have to meet great guy. With my age and hormone problems and PCOS, it looks like conceiving will be a VERY VERY rocky road so this guy will have to be great because it's going to be an uberstressful time in our lives.
Part of me also feels like giving up and feels I'm too old to meet, get to know, and marry someone this late in life. I can't tell you how many days I feel like I should just join a convent and devote my life to service and prayer and permanently eschew all men. It feels like what I "Should" do but not what's deep in my heart.
I've been preying so much to God for him to keep me from tipping over into the depths of bitterness and despair. I've resolved myself to have an attitude of "Let's take life by the balls!" for the summer. I figure if I can get through the summer without Troy I'll be able to really push my life forward and meet new people.
I've planned lots of fun activities. I'm actually taking a REAL vacation out in Vancouver. I'm already overwhelmed by all the stuff going on this summer :)
Good luck to me.
Step one: Going to the cabin tomorrow for the weekend. Can I hold my tongue or do I let loose on my aunt and cousin about how I'm not going to enable them either and they can not ask me for favors 'til they pull their own lives together....... trust me- long, long story. But I would be well within my rights to tell them to GROW UP!
Hopefully this summer I can change that.
So last Wednesday Troy, my best friend of the last 7+ years, decided we should no longer be friends. Not that we had a fight, not that there was much wrong (I thought) but because I had planned a surprise birthday for his 40th and he found out about it.
Yes, silly me. I was trying to do something NICE for the man. As usual, it backfired on me. Once he found out he was furious (he hates surprises but constantly tells me one thing and does another).
Then he said he understood my intentions were good. I hadn't seen or spoken to him much since he took a new job in Coon Rapids as the service manager of the Hitching Post.
Out of the blue last Wednesday he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again and wanted to make that permanent.
If this were any other time or place I probably would've contested it until he gave in. I have argued my case, begged forgiveness and done whatever it took to be ok again. I wouldn't have eaten or slept for days and would have had anxiety thinking how my life could possibly go on without him.
This time is sooooo different! Maybe it's that I've HAD IT with catering to someone who really couldn't care less about all the times I helped him out. Maybe it's that he stole all the money I gave him to put into our bank account. (I mean the account was for both of us but he told me he put the money in and never asked to take it out.) Maybe I've had it with his whining, his belief that he's gay and how he rubs it in my face all the time.
I've had it with the constant double standards and two-facedness.
I've soooo HAD IT!!! In a rare move I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him again- but still want the thousands of dollars he owes me. It's been tragic to see him become everything he once said he hated. A fag, a mooch, a total ingrate. (this may be some repressed anger talking here) .
Do I still love him? Absolutely. But I finally love him enough to completely let him go. I've realized I can't help him anymore, I can't fight his battles. Finally I find myself worth enough to fight for. I've given myself permission to be selfish.
What a liberaton! No longer do I have that overwhelming anxiety about what will happen to me without him. i've adopted an "I don't care" attitude. In truth I DO care but I can't dwell on what's happened and still move forward.
For the first time in 7 years I can see my life as being happy with someone I haven't even met yet. Even though I'm now 31, I still hope that I will meet some great guy and have kids. First i have to meet great guy. With my age and hormone problems and PCOS, it looks like conceiving will be a VERY VERY rocky road so this guy will have to be great because it's going to be an uberstressful time in our lives.
Part of me also feels like giving up and feels I'm too old to meet, get to know, and marry someone this late in life. I can't tell you how many days I feel like I should just join a convent and devote my life to service and prayer and permanently eschew all men. It feels like what I "Should" do but not what's deep in my heart.
I've been preying so much to God for him to keep me from tipping over into the depths of bitterness and despair. I've resolved myself to have an attitude of "Let's take life by the balls!" for the summer. I figure if I can get through the summer without Troy I'll be able to really push my life forward and meet new people.
I've planned lots of fun activities. I'm actually taking a REAL vacation out in Vancouver. I'm already overwhelmed by all the stuff going on this summer :)
Good luck to me.
Step one: Going to the cabin tomorrow for the weekend. Can I hold my tongue or do I let loose on my aunt and cousin about how I'm not going to enable them either and they can not ask me for favors 'til they pull their own lives together....... trust me- long, long story. But I would be well within my rights to tell them to GROW UP!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Mary Poppins is Full of Crap!
A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down indeed......
Lately I've been under some considerable stress. I work about 42 hours a week and I go to school one class shy of full-time. I'm the secretary of my bowling league and I joined a small group this year.
It's no wonder then that I've been slowly stepping up on some stress eating. I make conscious efforts to eat moderately- sort of healthy. In an on the go-go-go---keep going-go some more lifestyle it's hard to plan ahead for meals and if I do prep, to keep them cold.
I feel the fat rolls around my stomach sloshing around in contentment more and more each day. I decided to turn to America's doctor- the internet via Google to see what there was to say about combating stress eating.
"Rising levels of the stress hormone cortisol spur increases in appetite, especially for carbohydrates and fat"
"Use your mind. Examine and reassess feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and defeat. Practice "thought stopping": The minute a negative thought arises, raise a stop sign in your mind and say, "In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity." This introduces hope - the antidote to stress - into the situation."
Yes, I'm unconsciously eating while watching my favorite shows in the hour I get before bed. But I'm going to meditate on my processes here. "Why amd I eating? Hmmm I have that exam coming up Monday and a reasarch paper due the same time. I don't feel prepared. I didn't do as well as I wanted on the last test. The future of my life depends on how well I do in these classes.......... NO WAY!!!! Did I totally just eat a WHOLE BAG of Doritos??????!!!"
Ok, that's not going to work.
"Get crunch without calories. If you must munch, eat baby carrots or celery sticks. Include protein. It satisfies longer and helps kill carb cravings. Pump up your raw-veggie snack with some lowfat cheese, for example."
Hmmm, I have this full bag of Reese's peanut butter cups in front of me....but I could get up and go to the fridge for my carrots and dip........ too messy, too cold...... maybe on the next commercial...... yeah those peanut butter cups are closer and I feel more satisfied when I eat them. Give me more!
"Avoid alcohol. It often leads to out-of-control eating and disturbed sleep"
Surprisingly, alcohol doesn't seem to effect me much. Lately it wakes me up more than coffee does but I generally do not eat if I'm drinking alcohol. There's no room left in my tummy and I have no problem falling asleep- EVER (unless i'm fighting with my best friend)
"Take vitamins. A daily multivitamin and a B-complex supplement can help fight stress."
I already do this.
While vitamins provide marginally more energy it really isn't much and I don't feel their stress fighting power.
"Writing down what you eat as you eat it is a proven weight-loss \strategy because it makes you more aware of what and how much you're putting into your mouth"
I'm pretty good at paying attention to what and how much I eat- even BLTS (bites, licks and tastes). I just don't care. Apathy takes over. I'm stressed I want my junk food. I'l go Chuck Norris on your ass if you get in my way.
After I binge I feel guilty but the stress is lower.
Bohemian revolution has some better advice like not keeping bad snacks where you get stressed. I do keep dried fruit and light snacks in my desk. I refuse to buy doritos except a tiny bag at lunch sometimes.
I think I'm screwed for awhile though.
I've gone from 1% to skim milk. Rich cocoa to milk chocolate, pop is rare (unless i'm with my BFF)
I try to walk more but I can't remember the last time I was out of breath from exercising instead of out of breath from asthma.
2 more months....... maybe then I can break the cycle...... (did I just eat the rest of that loaf of banana bread????!!!) YUMMY... :)
Lately I've been under some considerable stress. I work about 42 hours a week and I go to school one class shy of full-time. I'm the secretary of my bowling league and I joined a small group this year.
It's no wonder then that I've been slowly stepping up on some stress eating. I make conscious efforts to eat moderately- sort of healthy. In an on the go-go-go---keep going-go some more lifestyle it's hard to plan ahead for meals and if I do prep, to keep them cold.
I feel the fat rolls around my stomach sloshing around in contentment more and more each day. I decided to turn to America's doctor- the internet via Google to see what there was to say about combating stress eating.
"Rising levels of the stress hormone cortisol spur increases in appetite, especially for carbohydrates and fat"
"Use your mind. Examine and reassess feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and defeat. Practice "thought stopping": The minute a negative thought arises, raise a stop sign in your mind and say, "In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity." This introduces hope - the antidote to stress - into the situation."
Yes, I'm unconsciously eating while watching my favorite shows in the hour I get before bed. But I'm going to meditate on my processes here. "Why amd I eating? Hmmm I have that exam coming up Monday and a reasarch paper due the same time. I don't feel prepared. I didn't do as well as I wanted on the last test. The future of my life depends on how well I do in these classes.......... NO WAY!!!! Did I totally just eat a WHOLE BAG of Doritos??????!!!"
Ok, that's not going to work.
"Get crunch without calories. If you must munch, eat baby carrots or celery sticks. Include protein. It satisfies longer and helps kill carb cravings. Pump up your raw-veggie snack with some lowfat cheese, for example."
Hmmm, I have this full bag of Reese's peanut butter cups in front of me....but I could get up and go to the fridge for my carrots and dip........ too messy, too cold...... maybe on the next commercial...... yeah those peanut butter cups are closer and I feel more satisfied when I eat them. Give me more!
"Avoid alcohol. It often leads to out-of-control eating and disturbed sleep"
Surprisingly, alcohol doesn't seem to effect me much. Lately it wakes me up more than coffee does but I generally do not eat if I'm drinking alcohol. There's no room left in my tummy and I have no problem falling asleep- EVER (unless i'm fighting with my best friend)
"Take vitamins. A daily multivitamin and a B-complex supplement can help fight stress."
I already do this.
While vitamins provide marginally more energy it really isn't much and I don't feel their stress fighting power.
"Writing down what you eat as you eat it is a proven weight-loss \strategy because it makes you more aware of what and how much you're putting into your mouth"
I'm pretty good at paying attention to what and how much I eat- even BLTS (bites, licks and tastes). I just don't care. Apathy takes over. I'm stressed I want my junk food. I'l go Chuck Norris on your ass if you get in my way.
After I binge I feel guilty but the stress is lower.
Bohemian revolution has some better advice like not keeping bad snacks where you get stressed. I do keep dried fruit and light snacks in my desk. I refuse to buy doritos except a tiny bag at lunch sometimes.
I think I'm screwed for awhile though.
I've gone from 1% to skim milk. Rich cocoa to milk chocolate, pop is rare (unless i'm with my BFF)
I try to walk more but I can't remember the last time I was out of breath from exercising instead of out of breath from asthma.
2 more months....... maybe then I can break the cycle...... (did I just eat the rest of that loaf of banana bread????!!!) YUMMY... :)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Latest Update
At Last: Some wedding pics. I still have to filter thru them all. Of course as I just put these up now; one month and one day after the wedding I found out I'm already going to be an aunt in May.
Talk about a fast honeymoon! I'm still getting used to the idea of my sister being married let alone being a mom.....and she's so domestically challenged. I have to say she's gotten better but with a kid she won't be able to eat out all the time. Better start learning how to use those dishes! :)
This picture is noteworthy because on the right you have my uncle Jerry and on the left you have my brother Tim. When TIm was little, the hightlight of family gatherings was Jerry using a pressure point on my brother's hand to make him bark like a dog. Tim's a little bigger now....
Talk about a fast honeymoon! I'm still getting used to the idea of my sister being married let alone being a mom.....and she's so domestically challenged. I have to say she's gotten better but with a kid she won't be able to eat out all the time. Better start learning how to use those dishes! :)
This picture is noteworthy because on the right you have my uncle Jerry and on the left you have my brother Tim. When TIm was little, the hightlight of family gatherings was Jerry using a pressure point on my brother's hand to make him bark like a dog. Tim's a little bigger now....
Here are 2 of my cousins, one from each side of the family. Alyssa and Jenna.
The obligatory family shot. How I got the short, fat gene I'll never know....
The rest I'll leave you to digest.
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