It's a New Day

Sometimes I think one of the biggest curses of being human is not being able to forget what happened yesterday. We remember hurt, pain, loss, and from many of these things we form regrets that can eat away at us and interfere with the life we're trying to live today.

However, we also have the blessing that each day is, in fact, a new day and every morning when we wake up we have a fresh start. We have to live with the consequences of what happened yesterday but no matter what happened then, today- nothing's happened yet. The slate is clean and we have the opportunity to make the most of the blank page of today.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was harassed and threatened. I'm a big girl. I can take it, but I don't have to endure it. I have the choice to make it so I don't have to endure the consequences of a choice that was not my own.

What did I do yesterday? I changed my phone number. For the first time ever, I deliberately changed it. I've been harassed and threatened before and many times have thought about changing it, but it was almost a part of me. ....yes that might sound weird.

But as I near my 30th birthday and look back on my very turmultuous 20s, this change was a long time coming and essential to me moving on to the chapter I'm about to begin. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. There's a goal; a plan and support.

There are many things I've done in my vast array of yesterdays. Some I'm proud of, some I'm definitely not proud of. Yesterday I ended a friendship that was one of the closest, most profound and intimate, and one of the unhealthiest in my life. It was someone I grew to love deeply and hate and the same time. It was one I thought I would die without. Well guess what?

I said goodbye and I still woke up today. I was almost surprised at the relief that swept over me when I ended it. I thought I would feel guilty and regret-- and I do-- but today they are overshadowed by a feeling of freedom and an "anything is possible" attitude.

I feel sad about it. I regret that my last words to this person were spoken in anger and that I had to hurt this friend in order to help myself. I desperately loathe hurting people and I do it most often unintentionally. This time it was intentional and a little betraying. I ruined two peoples' happiness yesterday because I needed the truth to be known.

I deeply regret I had to betray this friend's confidence and I know that in the next few months I will feel the loss of this friendship profoundly because my life was so interwoven with theirs.

I still can't believe I yelled and hung up and immediately changed my phone number- for a $36 frickin dollar fee but I digress.

I can't believe I was actually bold enough to do what I needed to do over what I wanted to do. Unfortunately the more I dwell on this friend the more sad about it I feel. I know it was a correct decision. I've deleted all the contact info everywhere- except the numbers still burned in my memory. I've deleted all the contact info for our mutual friends. I'm pruning some branches that sting.

It's funny that I even feel a little less significant in the world- smaller- but I hope that with every blank page I begin with every new day, the chapters get richer and the story takes off and leads to a happy ending.

It's a new day today and I delcare that it will be a good one! :)