A Victory

Maybe someday I'll blog about my trip to Mexico, but while it was a nice change in scenery and was nice and warm amidst Minnesota's deep freeze, it was a rather unintersting trip.

I was worn out, burnt out and spent most of the time sleeping which is what I needed. I'm probably one of few people who go all the way to Mexico for a week long siesta but at least no one could find me there. :)

The last couple months -since I broke up with a guy I was never officially going out with who started dating someone else that I just found out about but it's complicated- way more complicated than it should be but I was too stoopid to see past this guy..... well anyway I've been doing lots of thinking.

I've been telling people that I'm generally content in my being single and though I dont look forward to being singe my whole life, generally I am pretty content. The relationship I was in was extremely unhealthy and it was with a guy, a friend I've known for many, many years.

I couldn't stop myself. I convinced myself that I was completely unhappy and life was over unless I was dating someone and I held on to him with everything I had even though I tried to convince myself and him otherwise.

He's gone on with his dating this other girl......and whatever girl runs in front of his path.

In the past week I've had 2 encounters with him, and though on the first encounter I met his eyes and for a moment felt the same longing to be with him I always had when we were together, I turned my head and life was still able to go on.

The other encounter was last night and he tried to make a pass at me- a pretty good one and I was able to resist.

Now this might not seem a very big victory to anyone else, but to me. Men are my biggest weakness. Having been single for 29 1/2 years and being a woman, I find myself sometimes feeling desperate and hopeless as the dreaded 30th birthday approaches.

I always envisioned myself getting married at 22 or 23, having my kids and going back to a career once they were all in school. That is what I based my life on.

Now being 29, not in a realtionship, not having kids, just deciding a carrer move that will keep me in school another 5 years, I feel like things are backwards and that I don't have anything to dream for or base my life on......but you know what? I do. This is not a realization I've come to recently. Finding contentment took awhile.

I admit I suffered a great deal of jealousy as I watched my friends get married and have kids and I wasn't able to do those things myself. Because of my jealousy I distanced myself from many friends- trying to be happy for them but secretly hating them....well not hating but you know how it goes......

I still had single friends to hang around who felt much the mase as me, perhaps a little too much. And I began to see that where I had placed my feelings in life wasn't healthy.

I Love all my friends- married and single alike. Sure I've created a lot of my own problems and baggage that have perhaps held me back from the kind of relationship I've long desired.
As many people might suggest, I read more of my Bible, prayed and tried to seek God. But seeking God -while it's a great thing- isn't necessarily going to solve and instantly fix all my problems. I have to work on myself and my character.

I can't keep expecting to not change myself except to be more religious and expect every area of my life to start changing at once. I needed some female role models in the area of love and romance......something I never really had as my mom is very passive and though I love her- really not helpful in this area of life.

I have no older siblings. All my cousins on both sides are younger save for one older male cousin on each side. I'm not close to my aunts. I'm not close to women in general because I've been gossiped about and backstabbed too many times. I'm like a blind duck trying to fly over a pond during hunting season.......very easy for a guy to spot me, shoot me down and make me do pretty much whatever.

Fortunately I've taken to feeding my mind with movies and books where there are strong female role models who have the same feelings but are able to deal with the pain of separation.

----perhaps I should've mentioned that I have strong abandonment issues. I've been let down many times; never expect anyone to be there for me or help me, and I have an immensely difficult time letting people go....even if they're the most toxic poison in my life.

Some books I've found helpful in particular are actually from Jane Austen. Even though her books are fictional and considered literary works of art for they was they portray society in the 19th century, they really capture the struggles of single women trying to find that one true love. These women are presented with the possibility of love only to have it torn from them where they have to learn how to deal and carry on with life. They presume to be single forever and they end up having the best romances in the end. But there are no guarantees.

Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion have been very inspirational to me..... especially Ann Elliot in Persuasion. Movies like "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet's character I've found inspiring, where the man she's unrequitedly in love with gets engaged to another woman but still strings her along to where she can't look at anyone else and had to deal with the pain of seeing some other girl where she should be .......... that's totally me, or it was.

I know I'm rambling here but these have been the neverending thoughts on my mind for so very long. These are the thoughts that are holding me back. So when I came across my lover of the last 2+ years I was able to say no- twice- firmly and i'm still ok with it.

No longer do I think saying "no" to a guy is too harsh. (Seriously I used to think that). No longer am I sitting and dreaming of the day when I'll be swept of my feet. If it happens it happens but there is so much more to life.
I'm still trying to figure out what all that "More to life" entails but I know that if I were to get married and have a kid, then what? Will I really let that consume my whole life? That doesn't seem healthy.

I grew up very sheltered, why would I want to go back into such a shelterd existence when I've seen how exciting life can be outside in the open?

So I claim a victory over my old demons this week.

And I know that single guys suffer these feelings as well. I know many great single guys who are where I am (unfortunately I consider them "just friends" or haven't been asked out by any of them :) )

Life goes on and I choose to not let it make me miserable.

Huzzah!