The MN Wild vs The FL Panthers: The 5th Date

This week has been a rather bizarre one. Will get to why in a moment.
Thursday night, I enjoyed the privilege of Curt's company at a MN Wild hockey game. I love hockey but am not a fan to the point where I know all the players and their numbers, but Curt is.

I didn't really have the money to go, but as I had the night off of class and was trying to do something both different and something to keep me out of trouble I asked Curt if he would go with me and he quickly agreed. I bought some tickets online-overpriced of course- and we met a ways down from the Xcel Center where I used to live and he used to work.

Curt payed for parking, food and beverages. We both had white Wild jerseys on coincidentally (awwwww yes we matched :) ). The seats were good, the company better and it was a good game with the Wild winning 4-2. Curt gave me some commentary on the game and we talked about other stuff and where we're coming from relationshipwise.

I told him of my fear of being in a realtionship because I couldn't stand being hurt again to where he replied that he's not out to break my heart and he doesn't want to be hurt either. I was able to guard my heart well throughout the night and yet still had a wonderful time. It was perfect.
This whole week I've been beaming and many people are noticing. However with Curt's job interview in Denver this week, the week upcoming might end in a more somber tone. For now I'm trying not to dwell on it.

The weirdness of this week is that, invariably, whenever I begin to become romantically involved with someone it seems that guys come out of the woodwork and suddenly tell me they have feelings for me. I think "where are all these guys when I'm single? and where do they go when I'm single once more?"

I'm not exceptionally strong when it comes to facing temptation so in general I try to avoid it, but last night was a bit overwhelming in temptational traps.

After work I needed to confer with some of my bowling teammates about an upcoming tournament. These teammates bowl on a Friday league with one of my exes. My ex, Chris, was there. As usual Chris flirted with me- while letting his eyes stray. I find it hard to stay mad at him though because he is so funny and charming. I felt my mind wander towards him and quickly left to go to church to avoid letting anything go further.

Mark's message on not wasting our lives (part 4) was very good and convicting. I came away feeling stronger and went to go sing at the VFW and have a quiet night. When I got there I noticed my good friend Vern there -with his wife whom I despise and who despises me. I won't get into all the drama that's happened there. It was uncomfortable though. Not 5 minutes later, Chris showed up and flirted with me-- and everyone else. By the time he started telling another girl all the bullshit he told me about having more time now and wanting to be together and having a lot in common, I was ready to leave. It was awkward and I was very angry- not to mention arguing with him in the bar. I left.

I stopped at the Parkside Lounge close to home to try to find some quiet time and yet still sing. When I got there a bunch of my friends also arrived. This is the same group of friends I have some lingering drama with from last summer when I decided to drink a bottle of Captain Morgan on an empty stomach and was inebriated to the point of not being able to understand English. Of course the 1 person from the group I have the most drama with, Audrey, my friend Dave's wife decided to come out last night. It was uncomfortable. I said hi to her but she blew me off which I expected. I don't despise her but she doesn't give people many reasons to be amiable towrds her. Even worse is that the reason for the drama, my friend Josh, was there and quite obviously intoxicated.

Long story short, last summer we were drunk and discovered in a compromising situation which I've regretted abundantly, but for which I've become the salt of the Earth. Josh and I have never spoken about what happened and have been a bit more distant since. Last night however, he was drunk and bold enough to make it quite obvious he's thought about me alot over the year and has "bad thoughts" about me running through his mind. Bad as in sexual.

He was insistent on kissing me and when I tried to refuse kissed my cheek. I admit I've been attracted to Josh since I met him, but he has a girlfriend somewhere who tends to disappear in the winter and is never present at any social event. It's very strange. Anyone who didn't know him would think he was completely single. My attraction for him diminished somewhat after what happened between us- not that I haven't thought about it much.

Now being involved with Curt though, it's not right or at least it doesn't feel right for me to go around kissing other guys- even though Curt's said we're not boyfriend/girlfriend at this point but has alluded to what might be in the near future. So I faced temptation last night. I was not a complete angel but I was able to run from it 3 times and come out of the evening without being compromised. Unfortunately the strength I felt after church last night has greatly diminished. I feel doubt and uncertaintly; longing- and lust creeping in. I'm trying to devise a plan to help steer me clear of these things.

I've been in The Word, and reading "My Utmost for His Highest". I've prayed. I've made plans to hang out with a girlfriend tonight, but all that doesn't feel like enough.

The thought that Curt and I might not last much longer if we decide to go our separate ways in the event of him relocating makes it worse. "What if? What if?" keeps running through my mind. Nothing good has ever come of me trying to bend the rules or disobey God-NOTHING and why I keep thinking any one time will be different I do not know. I need to refocus.

Now all I can do is wait, hold my breath and see what news I get this week.....and try to hide in a hole away from guys.