Happy vs. Holy?

This past week I accomplished one of the most difficult tasks of late..... I broke off a relationship with a man I truly care about and have wanted for a long, long time. It wasn't anything he did or any annoying habit I couldn't live with. The chemistry was great! He's smart, good looking, funny, but the problem I faced: He's married.

You may want to condemn me right away for that right there. It doesn't alter the fact that the feelings we shared were real, no matter the situation. Another taboo, is that we're co-workers, and yet another is that he was a very good friend of my first boyfriend, Steven, who was killed by a drunk driver almost 2 years ago.

This man, Paul, was-like I said- someone i've wanted for a long time. The last 2 months or so have been bliss. Unfortuantely, my conscience wouldn't die and I felt a growing uneasiness with the situation.

For the past 2 years I've been working through the emotional shock of a tumultuous dating career.....a married guy, then an emotionally/psychologically manipulative guy, an alcoholic-womanizing sex-aholic, a homosexual, a pothead......all within 12 months.

Working through it had brought me closer to Christ than I've ever been before. God led me to an awesome church called The Rock, where i have found genuine fellowship and family. I admit if it wasn't for their support, I wouldn't have been able to break it off with Paul. I'm falling in love with him which I told him is something i can't allow- given his present circumstances.

The question that kept running through my head was, "is this God honoring?" The obvious answer is NO, but I've been wrestling with God over this area of my life from the get go. I'm resentful I never dated in high school or college.

I admit I was shy and naive. I was scared to death of men until I became a bartender and had to interact with them constantly. I figured God wasn't going to help me out in this area so I took matters into my own hands.

At first, i could recognize wrong, bad, potentially harmful situations. I would always find a way to rationalize them though. What I was once strongly opposed to, I made myself strongly agree to. This has caused major boundary and self-esteem issues now.

After a year of constant heartache, I finally decided to give God another chance. However, I'd lost all patience and couldn't let go of the codependency I so adeptly cultivated. As you can imagine, I was a time bomb....just waiting for the next guy to cross my path.

Unfortunately, it was Paul- a good friend and with very similar traits to our mutual deceased friend Steven. I've missed Steven so much and the pain ached so bad, Satan used it to help me jump over my conscience and into Paul's arms. Then suddenly, the pain seemed to go away. Life was great....almost.

I saw the waste of time I was investing in- a relationship that was doomed to fail. I was going against the principles I professed to believe in. I was a hypocrite. I knew what I had to do and I didn't want to do it.

The choice was either to be happy or to be holy. In this case, I couldn't have both. I decided to bo bold and go holy over happy. It SUCKS! It hurts. It's lonely....why oh why did I do it? It cleared my conscience. It gave me peace, increased my faith and hope that I'll have those feelings with someone I can actually have. I can look people in the eyes without shame- well at least less shame than before.

It's a mixed bag; choosing the intangible over what I can touch, feel, smell.... I feel empty and only hope God will fill my soul with His spirit, otherwise I'm screwed. :)

I'll have to update you as time goes on. For now, it's just one day at a time.