A New Beginning

Long time, no post. I'm more of a facebooker these days. I'm freakin' addicted to it, and I haven't felt like writing much. It hurts to look inside most of the time.

Hopefully this summer I can change that.

So last Wednesday Troy, my best friend of the last 7+ years, decided we should no longer be friends. Not that we had a fight, not that there was much wrong (I thought) but because I had planned a surprise birthday for his 40th and he found out about it.

Yes, silly me. I was trying to do something NICE for the man. As usual, it backfired on me. Once he found out he was furious (he hates surprises but constantly tells me one thing and does another).
Then he said he understood my intentions were good. I hadn't seen or spoken to him much since he took a new job in Coon Rapids as the service manager of the Hitching Post.
Out of the blue last Wednesday he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again and wanted to make that permanent.

If this were any other time or place I probably would've contested it until he gave in. I have argued my case, begged forgiveness and done whatever it took to be ok again. I wouldn't have eaten or slept for days and would have had anxiety thinking how my life could possibly go on without him.

This time is sooooo different! Maybe it's that I've HAD IT with catering to someone who really couldn't care less about all the times I helped him out. Maybe it's that he stole all the money I gave him to put into our bank account. (I mean the account was for both of us but he told me he put the money in and never asked to take it out.) Maybe I've had it with his whining, his belief that he's gay and how he rubs it in my face all the time.
I've had it with the constant double standards and two-facedness.

I've soooo HAD IT!!! In a rare move I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him again- but still want the thousands of dollars he owes me. It's been tragic to see him become everything he once said he hated. A fag, a mooch, a total ingrate. (this may be some repressed anger talking here) .

Do I still love him? Absolutely. But I finally love him enough to completely let him go. I've realized I can't help him anymore, I can't fight his battles. Finally I find myself worth enough to fight for. I've given myself permission to be selfish.

What a liberaton! No longer do I have that overwhelming anxiety about what will happen to me without him. i've adopted an "I don't care" attitude. In truth I DO care but I can't dwell on what's happened and still move forward.

For the first time in 7 years I can see my life as being happy with someone I haven't even met yet. Even though I'm now 31, I still hope that I will meet some great guy and have kids. First i have to meet great guy. With my age and hormone problems and PCOS, it looks like conceiving will be a VERY VERY rocky road so this guy will have to be great because it's going to be an uberstressful time in our lives.

Part of me also feels like giving up and feels I'm too old to meet, get to know, and marry someone this late in life. I can't tell you how many days I feel like I should just join a convent and devote my life to service and prayer and permanently eschew all men. It feels like what I "Should" do but not what's deep in my heart.

I've been preying so much to God for him to keep me from tipping over into the depths of bitterness and despair. I've resolved myself to have an attitude of "Let's take life by the balls!" for the summer. I figure if I can get through the summer without Troy I'll be able to really push my life forward and meet new people.
I've planned lots of fun activities. I'm actually taking a REAL vacation out in Vancouver. I'm already overwhelmed by all the stuff going on this summer :)

Good luck to me.
Step one: Going to the cabin tomorrow for the weekend. Can I hold my tongue or do I let loose on my aunt and cousin about how I'm not going to enable them either and they can not ask me for favors 'til they pull their own lives together....... trust me- long, long story. But I would be well within my rights to tell them to GROW UP!