Life As Usual

It's been a week now since I learned about Christopher's death. In ways I didn't take it as hard as I thought. We'd talked about death--and how he'd be attending my funeral--. I guess part of me is still in a state of shock, but mostly I'm just grieving silently.

Having gone through this before I think has made it a bit easier as well.

Life is returning to the normal daily routine.......trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but mostly trying to avoid the thought that I'm stuck in this world.

I have 1 month and 1 day left of my 20s then they'll be gone forever---and yes they were fun!

Class starts in a few weeks and that will occupy most of my free time. I'm looking forward to the BBQ I'm hosting next month, and looking forward to getting out of town as much as I can this summer starting with a week in British Columbia in June.

These last few days I've gone through all my pictures- pulling all I can find of Chris so I can make phoa albums for his daughters. I bought them all lockets with Chris' picture in them.

I've been sketching which I haven't done in a very, very long time.
I've hung out with my best friend Troy more this last week, and spent more time with my family.

So far, I've raked up 22 HUGE bags of leaves from our back yard and moved a large woodpile to another part of the yard......and that's just getting started. My legs and ankles throb....a little less every day though.

Every night I watch a different episode of Doctor Who which I never seem to tire of.

This Sunday will be my last day of bowling for possibly quite some time. My brother Robbie and I are in 2nd place and roll off aginst the 1st place team. We need to win both games to win the league again.
Even with many teams gunning for us and many having their career games against us, we've done very well this year.

Beyond that not much is happening. Just taking things a day at a time, trying to come out of my hermitess state and interact with people more. Trying to make it to church more.

Still single, and still ok with it. I miss being in love and I miss the guys I once loved but I don't miss the misery and being used. I still hope to have kids and be a wife someday.
I find I still have a rather big crush on one of my freinds from church- guess I didn't think it was as much of a crush until I dreamt about him last night....who I'll only give the initials for (T.L.)

For now, I'm not dwelling on it though. I'm not expecting anything. I'm not looking for anything. I'm back on my own 2 feet and want to see how it is for a bit before getting swept off them again.

My parents bought a 6 person hot tub last week. That will be nice for future gatherings, but it's kind of awkward now that every time I go over there every family member asks me if I'm going to go in the hot tub.....like it's expected of me to go in on every visit now.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel rather awkward sitting in a hot tub with my father and having my mother sit on the steps above us and it's just awkward silence.
I'm not close to my dad and I find every conversation awkward or infuriating as he tries to control my life and disagrees with all of my decisions which he then pursues to lecture me on.

But I digress........

I think another week of processing and grieving will be good and by then the snowball effect of summer will take hold and before I'll know it, it will be September and who knows where life will be.

I just hope it's a wild fun ride this year.