Post Bowling Depression

So this last weekend was the Spring Fling bowling tournament. I was excited all week and Saturday made sure I got up early, had plenty of time to get ready, have breakfast, coffee, etc.

I thought I was going to explode in the car on the way to the tournament. Seriously, I have no idea why I get sooooo excited about this tournament but I do. Maybe it's because I get to bowl with a bunch of friends I only get to watch bowl the rest of the year.

Anyway, I vastly outdid my performance from last year- thank God!
I bowled a 178, 197, 249 no-tap. My first 2 games should have been better, but I did win a trophy for 3rd place women's high game for the 249.

I also went 3 for 3 in colored head-pin shots and won 2 t-shirts and a towel.

By a stroke of luck, my number was drawn for the strike pot and I had the chance to win $275. But I was so nervous and my legs were shaking and all I could do was think "don't trip and fall, don't trip and fall". After all, O was making this shot in front of several hundred people.

Alas, I missed and only knocked 7 pins down. I should've taken more time. Oh well.

My brother Robbie and friend Curt who were first timers to the tournament seemed to have a great time as well.

It was good to see Curt again. We were sort of dating/haning out ---at this point I don't know what it even was but I hadn't seem him in a long time. We talked a lot. He had a poker game to go to right after the tourney and said he would visit me after his bowling league on Sunday. He didn't show and didn't answer my calls.

Turns out he left his phone at home but things like this happened last year and I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up again.

Yesterday at Red-Eye league, I did manage to bowl above my average: 162, 162, 175, 169 but still, I'm a better bowler than that. I had a great shot at a high 200 game in the 3rd game. I started with X X X 3/ X then it fell apart after that.

Looks like I need to fix my ball so it does't keep cutting into my hand and need to get a little more practice.

Troy and I were not talking again yesterday. Guess I didn't really care either. All I get from him is negativity and put-downs- well that's not ALL but I feel like I get more than my fair share.
I just sat there the last game looking around, trying to focus, trying not to cry, thinking "is this all there is? Is this all that my life has to look forward to? A Sunday morning bowling league?"

I was so apathetic and depressed, all I could do was pick my dog up, take him home with me and lay on the couch 'til I took him back to my parents' and then I layed on the couch the rest of the night.

The last 2 nights I've had pretty vivid nightmares. Nightmares are rare for me and they're typically not life-threateningly scary. I don't wake up screaming or anything.....I don't even wake up in the middle of the night because I'm compelled to watch the nightmare unfold.
Maybe I should just call them bad dreams then.

I mean when you dream you live alone in a beautful little house that you lock up when you leave, only to come home day after day and find someone's been in there.....then one day you come home and there are 2 men there who tell you they've been breaking in through the upstairs windows and turns out they are cannibals who've been burning the bones of their victims in the furnace in the basement....... that's not necessarily and good dream now, is it?

I think I just need a holiday- and not another weeklong siesta like Mexico in January, but a couple weeks of adventure. Going somewhere where they speak English, meeting new people, seeing new things, like a road trip, or hiking, or something! I just need to get away.

Generally I've been really happy and content since I closed a bunch of old doors; got rid of a few people in my life, changed my number.

I've given up eating meat for Lent, which I don't generally practice but feel called to do this year. Chicken is looking better and better every day.

But......yeah........... I've been in pretty good spirits since the turn of 2008. I've been happier than in a long time actually....even without sex, kissing, drinking (profusely).
I've read more books in the last 2 months than in the last 3 years.
I pray a little more, read a little more scripture, find myself more content with just God.....looking to Him for my fulfillment.

These lat couple days though I feel so discontent. I don't enjoy anything. I can do nothing but lay on the couch in a passive haze. I don't enjoy eating because I'm not hungry (from doing nothing). I'm bitter about not being in a relationship one moment, then grateful I don't have t osadjust my life for someone else the next.
I'm excited about my sister's wedding and love my future brother-in-law, but am growing slightly more bitter about not being able to get married myself.

Not even that.....I can't even get a date. Sometimes I tell myself, God's just too jealous and doesn't want to share me with anyone else just yet but it's maddening.

I've retreated to my house. I work (with very little socializing) I go home. If I talk to people, it's my immediate family or my bowling comrades.
I rarely see my friends. I rarely even want to..... That sounds wrong. I want to see my friends but it seems like it will suck the life right out of me if I do anything but go home and rest.

I'm always tired.
I'm always close to breaking down in tears but never let myself.
My mind is always somewhere else.

Looking at the months to come I have a lot written on the calendar to look forward to but I don't feel anything.

It's like I'm ok with where I am, but feel like I'm settling for a life that shouldn't be mine. I should be somewhere else.

This could all be spiritual attack. I've been praying and trying to ignore and reflect. But I feel
T I R E D. Tired of everything. Tired of my job, tired of being single, tired of going to school, tired of watching other people seem to get so easily and many times undeservingly the things I most desperately want in this life.
I'm so tired of it all!

So that's my little pity party rant.

But I have hope that things will look up. :)