Thursday Tiredness

Why is it that more than any other day in a week, Thursdays leave me the most fatigued and drained?

I can never get up on time Thursday mornings. I feel devoid of life all day. Wednesday nights are nothing extravagant and so shouldn't leave me so unconscious Thursdays.
Lately Ive been sucked back into a pattern where I maintain just enough consciousness to get thru day to day living. I don't go out of my way or expend myself for anything more than I HAVE to.

What happened yesterday and in the past creeps up in my mind, but I really avoid thinking about the future. Too many uncertainties and therefore sucks up more of my energy.

I know this weekend will be the last weekend the Parkside lounge will be open. Since I've ridded myself of all boyfriend/ex boyfriend attachments, the only social life I have this year resides between Sun Ray Lanes and the Parkside......moreso perhaps at the Side because I open myself up more there - to my friends and through my singing.

It feels like I know there are many events- big events- coming up this year but I can't feel excited about them. All I feel is going through the motions. Like it's something I'm detached in observing, as in a dream.

So many days I long to feel that excitement and anticipation I used to feel as a child when a birthday or wedding or holiday would approach. I keep asking myself, "What did I do then that made me so excited? Why did time seem to go so slowly back then?"

I think about how holidays were built up in school but making art or doing projects and lessons related to the upcoming event.
If it was a family event like a birthday or a wedding, I'd be around my mom who would talk about it constantly to various family members. Always being at the apron strings, as it were, I would think there was nothing else going on in the world because I heard nothing else.

Now as an adult, I'm pulled in so many ways. Time seems to accelerate as I have more responsibilites, know more people, and am free to explore life in my own independence. There's just so much information coming into my brain all the time that I don't give myself time to process it and reflect on it and get excited about it because there's still more, more, more info to absorb, more good times to be had, more responsibilites to see to.

So often I wish there were more hours in a day so I'd have time for "EVERYTHING" but in knowing myself, I would sleep them away or watch TV. There is something within myself that utterly refuses to spend time alone if given the choice.

On rare occasion when I do spend a night alone, with no TV on and no phone calls.....I find that I get alot of crap done and I feel so good about the time I've spent alone after the fact.

Yet as a new day comes, the fear is there all over again. Fear that if i'm spending time alone, I'm being unproductive in some way- maybe to society or something.

I've been reading a great book by John and Stasi Eldredge called CAPTIVATING. It's hit the nail on head about what I feel much of the time and had put into words feelings I've had but couldn't articulate. Basically it talks about how a woman devotes her entire life to find an answer to one question, "Am I lovely?". She will look to anyone and anything to answer this question, even to men and the only one who can answer it truly is God, but to hear him we must spent time alone.

Maybe I don't want to hear the answer because I might find out I've spent all these years and all this energy for absolutely nothing. In some ways I fear God will say I'm a disappointment because I'm a better sinner than a child of His. I know that's not what he'll say but I've known nothing but heartbreak, lies, and mistrust from every man who's ever been close to me--- from my father, my boyfriends, and man I ever allowed myself to become attached to and I've closed my heart up to avoid the hurt.

Here this book is telling me I have to keep it open and take the beating because that's part of remaining vulnerable so we can allow ourselves to be loved.

Right now I don't feel like I can allow myself to be loved. I always try to lead if I don't feel a strong leadership with the person I'm with and if I try to follow I feel I become too permissive and blind.

So this post took a little turn but with all the energy spent on this:
Approaching 30, going back to school to change careers, dealing with being single and childless yet trying to get rid of bad suitors at the same time, having a full time job, trying to eat right, look young, making an effort in appearance to seem "pretty", working on domestic skills, being smart, talented, charming, polite....all the time.....always being looked to, to do everything right and yet still feel like a failure- and having your family tell you you are a failure because you were given so much potential and you've wasted it because you didn't pursue something you didn't want to------------ugghhh no wonder I feel my energy sucked out most of the time.

Women in general are tired and crabby because they are expected to be and do everything- all the time. It's no longer enough to just grow up and be the mistress of a house; a wife, a mother. No we are expected to work full time, be in every place at once, clean, cook, make more money for men who are indifferent, lazy and non-committal.

NOTE that this is not all men but the majority of those I've encountered expecially in the dating world. They want everything with no effort from themselves. It's frustrating. It's infuriating and this- no doubt- is why I'll be spending another Valentine's Day in my own company......and I'm ok with that but I feel like I'm supposed to have all these answers to questions i've never encountered before.

I can't be everything to everyone and one thing CAPTIVATING has brought to light for me is, that I'm better by not even trying to be.

However, my personality is such that I have no real passions or desires that I would spend all my free time doing. I'm passionate about music but I want to do a little of everything to mix it up, not just music but art and sports and socializing, and cooking, etc.

oh well. Guess this has become more a venting session now. Didn't mean for that. :)

Tune in next time for another menstrual emotional rant. (Ha Ha).