DATING ADVICE

If there's one thing the world's never short on, it's advice. Everyone has an opinion and most aren't afraid to share theirs.

Pretty recently I decided to re-enter the dating world. I believe dating is hard enough, but as a Christian who is trying to avoid the worldly trends including cohabitation, no sex before marriage, and non-recreational dating it can be a real challenge- actually there's a 5 letter word for it that starts with "B".

Dating has never been easy for me. I never had a childhood sweetheart and I didn't even have my first kiss until I was almost 24. Most of my early 20s were spent learning how to overcome being shy and scared to death around men. Once I convinced myself that not every guy was a potential rapist or mass murderer I didn't think they were all that bad.....then I started dating a few of them.

My parents never really talked about dating. The only advice they had to offer is that I couldn't date until I was 30. All my siblings are younger and none of them have dated much at all. Most of my cousins even close to my age on both sides of the family are unmarried single parents. The friends I acquired during my early 20s were also either single parents, married, or looking to get laid.

So where does a girl go to find potential candidates for "dating" that won't involve sex at the end of the night, or me requiring to pay for everything- or even my half. Where does a girl in this day and age go to find a gentleman (outside the nursing home)?

My father always said I would only find a husband in church. I went to church. (he no longer did) There were thousands of people at my church. Why were all the guys between 25-35 conspicuously hidden? I joined some of the singles events at the church. Sure I met some cool people, but no one that really caught my fancy. It didn't help also that at the time I was dealing with the latent pain and trauma of some previous not-so-Christian relationships. At that time I could rationalize just about anything to be "God's will".

So I started going to another church. Low and behold- there were lots of guys there and they were all my age! People all around me were dating and getting married all the time. I figured I finally found the right place. I mean yeah, church is for God and stuff but look at all these single people around me! Right? WRONG!

After attending this church for a few years (which I still absolutely love) I came to realize that many of the people who got married and were devout in the church suddenly seemed to disappear. The eligible guys left seemed too timid to step up to the plate and despite our pastor teaching good dating ethics and trying to stir the guys to move, I think it more frightened them away. There's an unspoken assumption that if a guy and girl are seen talking together that they are dating....and if you're dating you HAVE to get married. It seems absurd, but the mentality is there.

For awhile, I thought bars might not be a bad place to go. I like to sing karaoke and have yet to find a non-alcoholic karaoke bar that's close to home. I met a few guys in bars (all jerks of course) but I figured I'm not such a bad person and if I can go to a bar and be a decent person, some hightly eliglible guy could be there, too. It didn't take me long to see the insanity of this mentality....besides after sobriety sets in, the guy that looked so good the night before can make you cringe the next day.

I've had guys randomly call me- some by accident most on purpose. Most have been friends I've had for years who have gotten divorced or who were just scrolling thru their phone books one night. It was just such a random phone call 2 months ago that led me back to dating again.

In this case, it was a good friend of mine who'd just gotten married when I met him 5 years ago and got divorced recently. We hadn't spoken in about 6 or 7 months and he wanted to take me out. Now comes the part of advice. (I could write a book on this).

How long do I wait before I call him? When he tells me he'll call and doesn't, what do I do? If I blow him off, what do I do when he apologized profusely the next day and sincerely says all the things I need to hear and melts my heart? He's got lots of drama going on in his life and I just got rid of mine....what's a safe distance from the drama? And hoe close can I still get but still stay away from the drama?

He was always a person to return calls and answer messages and now isn't? Is it the drama? He repeatedly says he wants to spend more time with me but I've only seen him 3 times in 2 months. What the F#$% is his F&^*#$g deal? He says "I want to see you very soon" and in the next sentence says, "and I know good things come to those who wait". What the F$%^ does that mean? So obviously I'm quite beside myself and frustrated. I need advice.

Who do you go to for advice? Mom of course. Mom says forget about him. If he can't call bak he's not worth it. he's got to make all the effort.

Ok- what about all the drama? Shouldn't I be a little gracious? Mom says NO.

Next I go to best friend (who happens to be an ex-boyfriend now turned gay-but hey I get the male perspective). Best friend says I'm too soft. I need to toughen up and be more of a B$%ch. I should chuck him and move on to another guy, or many other guys.

Ok- but all I can think about is this guy I mean he's the first guy I've really liked in 5 years and he seems to genuinely like me back and I dont' want to lose him- besides I think I'm really starting to develop feeling for him. Best friend says to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and stop being such a pussy.

Next I go to best girlfiend who also goes to my church. Best Girlfriend says to give him more grace and space but that "dating" is worldly and it's better to let something develop out of a close friendship.

Ok- I thought that's what I was doing (and Deb if you read this don't kill me :)!) He and I have been good friends for 5 years- but not too close because he was married.....but how can something more develop if you don't hang out together and have it turn towards romance- which it did. And isn't hanging out in a romantic fashion called "DATING"?

Still others say I should consider singleness as a gift. A Gift? If it were a true gift, why is finding a significant other a multi-zillion dollar business? Why doesn't anyone really want singleness truly? So I'm stuck once again in limbo.......guess we'll see how the week goes. God's really working with me on this patience thing.

How does it relate to bowling? Well, this particualar guy "Curt" I round-a-boutly met at the bowling alley when I used to work there.

Also, this past weekend I bowled the best series in 5 years with a 172, 235, 183, 198 and I took first place in a scotch doubles tournament the next day.

Any other advice out there? I was stood up yesterday and so far haven't heard from Curt, nor have a received an e-mail apology. I called him twice yesterday and nothing. What do YOU think?