Just Another Day in UnParadise

It's so unfortunate I dont have the time, nay the desire to blog on a regular basis. That being said, I've been completely turned off to any form of intropection for quite some time now.

Within the last 3 months I was once again embroiled in an illicit relationship with a dear friend of many years. Tried as I did to avoid being in this situation once again it happened. To my detriment, I was never taught how to handle myself in situations where married men-particular old friends- would hit on me.

Even more disheartening is when we cross paths years later and they confess they should have married me instead of the person they did run to the altar with.
Don't Tell me that!!!

Honestly, being single is lonely enough most days, but to hear what could have been yet what could never be keeps me in a perpetual state of "what ifs?".

Furthermore, to increase the pain and shame of my situation, I was subject to rumors and gossip both true and untrue that lead to threats from my friend's wife. Ultimately, i saw it best to withdraw myself from the situation and the establishment I frequented and thouroughly enjoyed.

Now I am still being pursued by this friend who I find very difficult to say "no" to because about 7 weeks ago, I thought I might be pregnant with his child.

Follow so far? Good, because I've been completely lost for ages!

Today-being no day of significance- I find myself to be in a joyful state. Not because I have lots of money. Not because I have somthing no one else does. not because of any one thing in particular, but because even though I can be a royal FUCK UP many days, I'm STILL being pursued by someone I know I don't deserve and whom I never give enough credit to. That person is God, my father who created me and pursues me daily despite all my flaws, failures, obsessions, greed, etc.

This past year it's been exceedingly diffiult to maintain let alone deepen my relationship with Christ. I've let it go. I barely crack open a Bible. I can scarcely speak to God most of the time. i've been totally turned off to group prayer- and have thus faked it more than anything. I've been obsessed with pursuing dead end relationships that will only lead to my spritual and emotional-even physical death; not caring about any consequences or who I hurt.

In other words, I have been extremely selfish. Yet my desire to be loved consumes me- just as it consumed so many women I know (and men too). Knowing God loves and pursues me too often seems like a nice idea. I want something tangible. I want to feel the pressure of someone's arms around me. I want to feel their warm breath on my skin. I want to hear the soft caressing words in my ear. I want I want I want......sound a bit selfish??

Well it is. The desire is ok but I've taken it too far and am not able to keep much control on it. With what little strength I have inside me, I cry out to God and ask him not to give up on me. To give me options.

I am so fortunate to have a broad base of friends that care about me and allow me to be the fuck up I am and give me new experiences and opportunities- that God allows. One can only stop and marvel that although we may try to shut God out. HE finds a way to sneak in and not let us get away. He will let us make our mistakes and will forgive us and pick us up when we need it. He aches for us and loves us enough to have us face the consequences of our own mistakes. He's always there and in brief moments like this when I can slow down and see the reality of this, it is the most awesome feeling in the world. Because I know I don't need any other love. I want it-BADLY- but it is enough to have God- even when most often it really REALLY doesn't seem like it!

So I'm thankful for this moment and am rambling on profusely.....

Good day to all :)