The Sky Is Falling!

I don't know what it is. No matter what I do I get more depressed and disillusioned with the world around me.

I feel like Chicken Little going around yelling "The sky is falling!" and everyone thinks i'm a lunatic, therefore I feel like a lunatic and somehow unworthy of something.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

While I always try to keep those words in mind, people can make one feel inferior; people who are close to us. I agree with people who say one must learn to be loved in order to love others.
I have a hard time letting people love me sometimes. It feels selfish but I love pouring my love out on others. Then I begin to wonder if I am truly pouring out love or expectation of reciprocation.

I don't feel unworthy of life. I don't think much negatively about myself except I feel I continually fail to make people happy. Not that I should be THAT concerned, but making people happy brings me joy.

Maybe this inexplicable depression and my disconnect from my once closest friends is just another hill in the desert. Maybe God's trying to get me to rely even more on him.
I admit, in taking this year off of most social activities I feel lonely but I feel closer to God. I've relied on him more and he's been good to me.......really.
It's so hard to explain, but there have been so many days where he's given me little "God presents". Stuff only I could see that couldn't come from anywhere but Him.

It's not helping my depression though. I'm getting to a point of angry frustration.
I thought it was a chemical deficiency caused from not eating meat but I think it might be some stuff I tried to bury in the past that I never dealt with and tried to forget as it never happened and now it's coming to the surface for me to deal with so I can go on to something better.

I don't want to deal with stuff that's over and done with though. I don't want to reopen something I consider permanently closed. Looking back at the last 7 years of my life I feel like I've made them a complete failure.

I know no one likes to be around a depressed person and for that I'm trying to deny I even feel depressed but I can't fight this one. Did I mention I can't find a concrete reason for it????

Oh well. Hope something cheerful comes along this week.
Seems all I've had lately is bad news- with the exception of my brother's phenomenal bowling performance that people are still talking about. Amazing how fast word travels through the cities- especially in the bowling community.

I could use some good news. :)

This week I bowled well: 175, 194, 198 so close to a 600 and yet so far....