Playing Games

Another Thanksgiving come and gone.....and all to fast it went. Hope yours was fantastic!

Didn't do too much. As usual I bowled in the annual "Gobbler" tournament. I had a side bet going for each game with a close friend. It was open-ended. The winner gets whatever she or he wants. (within reason).

I lost the first game and the first bet. I now have to cook this friend dinner in "something real nice" which is open to interpretation. :) but I won the other games. In Fact, I took 2nd place among 132 bowlers overall in the second game. Tournament's scratch scores were : 127, 232, 180 for a 539 series. Not too bad. I think I was nervous and hungry that first game.

The rest of the day was spent with my mom's side of the family and my best friend Troy's family (who are a bit more animated than my own family).

I've still been doing a lot of pondering and I've decided I might actually know what I want to be when I grow up. I want a job that's flexible, that I can take anywhere in the world, a job that's challenging but that i'd be good at and one that makes decent money or at least offers unique life opportunities. So 2 weeks from today I am going to attend an info meeting for the nursing program at my alma mater Metro State U.

Yep- I'm gonna go for being a nurse and if I like it well enough, I'd like to become a nurse practitioner. Then if I want to travel or live elsewhere in the world, well I think this profession would make it a heck of a lot easier......but I'm not spreading this around too much just yet. I have to see if I can get in the program for one and figure out the financial stuff as well.

I figure it's time to get going in something. I've been dismally unsuccessful in finding any new employment in the last 18 months nor does anything I might remotely be qualified for appeal to me.
Growing up, I always thought I wanted to be a scientist, or work in an office. Office supplies made me completely giddy. But Having worked in a cubicle for 5 or so years now, I know I more active/interactive job is what would be more fulfilling to me and I'd like to make a difference in what I do. Basically anything I do at my current job is meaningless and all the paperwor I do just gets recycled at the end of the year.

I also feel that I've wated far too much time in pursuit of the elusive "L-O-V-E". I have learned a lot no doubt, and been hurt alot. Every time I try for optimism, I get crushed by the reality of pessimism. As the movie "Enchanted" put it, this is a world where there aren't any happy endings. (the movie was great by the way).

I've always been idealistic and have always believed in love but the more romantic experiences I have, the more pessimistic I become.
Now...... it's not all bad. I still trust there's someone out there for me somewhere but I'm just sick and tired of trying to keep my eyes open. I finally learned to stop "Looking" per se but usually am wary of any opportunities.
My most recent romantic atachments have been filled with ambivalence. As I apporach the threshold of turning 30 I feel the physiological pressure growing. I don't want to pursue a total career/life change because part of me is still on hold.....waiting for that "guy" I will end up with so I can start a family first. But as I don't see that happening any time soon, I've decided to just finally move on.

In the back of my mind is that constant fear or worry "there might not be someone out there. God might really intend for me to remain single and have me give my life to service of some type" and I'm coming to terms with that. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to let go of all these things that are holding my life back......all these things I'm "waiting" for that might never come.

I feel like I've wasted 10 years playing games. Silly, childish games in chasing after love. There has been nothing as prevalent in my mind these last 10 years as that. Love, love, love , love , love and it's finally starting to become sickening.

Case in point, I recently agreed to date a guy some 20 years my senior. I've always fiercely clun to my "age rule" which is I will NOT date anyone more than one year younger or 10 years older than myself. But seeing how an 18 year difference worked for my aunt and uncle (who've been married like 25 years now) I thought I'd give it a shot.

He's recently divorced- not a good start. He was only married a year and a half and I knew the story pretty well before we went out since I'm close to his entire family. I knew it was not a fault of his that caused the divorce so things proceeded. It was a case where my good sense of character proved drastically wrong. I thought one thing- he meant another. It was tug of war, rocky and confusing. He accused me of playing games because I was timid in how much of myself I would give to him having been thru a lot of hurt.

Yet he would convince me he was into me, then say he met someone more his age. I would stop calling him, then a few days later he'd come back saying it was nothing and that he really missed me. I would talk to him, but then something would happen or be said and I'd tell him not to contact me anymore. It came to a point where I made myself ready to give him what he wanted then he decided he felt guilty somehow and hoped to get back together with his ex.

If this sounds confusing- believe me it is. And no one's as confused as I. Yet I am accused of playing games...... well sure I'll play games if I feel I'm getting played.

My only sense of triumph is that I didn't compromise myself with him. I didn't give him everything he wanted, yet this most recent experience has only pushed me further away from that lofty dream of "love" that has obsessed me this last decade.

I've finally tired of chasing love and so if it chooses to chase me then it can chase me and try to win me. Which is probably how it should've been in the first place but I'm impatient as well as impertinient. :o)

So even though I feel as though in the last few months my life has been put in a blender and someone hit the ice crushing button (cuz it's not as bad as puree really) and life just seems al jumbled up right now, things are starting to fall into order- a different order. One I couldn't see as well as before. The pieces might still be falling and sorting themselves out for a little while but I finally feel like some sort of path has been illumintaed for me.

I guess i'l have to wait and see how this nursing meeting goes in 2 weeks and will have to pray very hard but I'm optimistic about this path as I grow less optimistic with old paths.