Counting My Blessings

Wow, has it really been a month since I've blogged?
I have to say without a doublt this has been the busiest summer of my life; trouble is I have difficulty recalling where all the time was spent.

A couple things have struck me this week that have me pondering things in my life. First, my best friend wrote me that:

" ur existance has become depraved of anything good. You have been scurrying around doing this and that to bide ur time. You are not connected to anything. But passionate about everything. Ur heart longs, but your willingness to be transformed is mute. "

And further goes on to welcome me to what he calls demonhood.

Yesterday, Adam blogged about baptism and church community and it got me thinking about how I have sort of abandoned the community that's always supported me when everyone else has abandoned me.

With all the events of the summer, I feel like I could blog endlessly. It's been a summer of searching, but rather aimlessly. It's been a time of seriously thinking where I want my life to go and seriously trying to view myself as an adult because so many days I wake up and still expect ot be in high school. I still expect someone else to handle all of life's more difficult tasks and I just have to kind of take responsibilty.

I spent some time last night reflecting that I am nearing my 30th birthday. I am -like it or not- a full blown adult and must now shoulder 100% of adult responsibility and burdens. This includes setting an example for those younger than I. I've thought about all the great role models I had growing up. People who had passion, aspirations, and maturity. They were then younger than I am now. That makes me feel like I'm dismally failing at life.

I have one dream in which I dare place my hope--- to get married one day and have children. Beyond that I find I have no real ambition or aspiration. I've never been one to say "That's exactly what I'm going to do with my life or be when I grow up." For the longest time I didn't even want to have a family. I didn't want anything.....with the exception of friends.
Growing up being as shy as I was, I didn't have many of those but there were a few. I found that most of my high school friendships were very superficial, as were those in college.

As Troy put- I'm passionate about everything but connected to nothing. To some degree that's true. There are few things I'd say I was truly passionate about; singing or anything music, writing Doctor Who, but I've always had a hard time figuring out what I don't like. And in that I find myself disconnected from everything.......always trying to observe at a distance.

Is this really something I like? or don't like?

It was very much like that in my church/spiritual life. I half-assed it as with everything else I did. Then I started going to the Rock- my present church. The starvation for fellwship and friends; conversations with a group of people my age was suddenly fulfilled and I felt a willingness to be transformed more than ever before. Just as I had started attending this church I was overcoming several recent traumas and was so broken.

I got involved. I integrated into a great community, but over these last 4 1/2 years I've shirked more responsibility rather than take on more. My willingness for transformation is fading and my fellowship with this great community is falling away on my end, yet still I feel it reaching out to me; not willing to let me go and it gives me such great hope in such a depressing, depraved world.

When nearly no-one on my guest list showed up for my birthday party- the church community just showed up and filled the place and I had one of the greatest birthdays ever. I often get cards or e-mails or messages on holidays from my friends at the Rock. I don't get that from family or other outside friends.

Maybe this is just a rambling blog from this flood of emotion I'm feeling. I agree that you get out what you put into something. Lately I've been feeling that starvation for fellowship again. I haven't been around my community so that 's my fault. Then I think of my family and how most days I feel I have nothing in common with any of them and I must have been adopted, but then how often do I visit them?

It's pretty sad when most of my family lives within 20 miles of me and I only see them maybe twice a year. So what if they don't make an effort to get to know me either? Why can't I make the effort?

It brings me to other things. I dislike my job. It's tedious and boring. With no raises in 3 1/2 years I've had to take on a part time second job. I've been working 70 hours a week, but I have the ability to do that. I have a car that runs to get me to and from. I don't have to rely on anyone else to take care of me. I can buy things and have food to eat.

I've been uncomfortable giving up my private space at my apartment to help out a friend. I miss my space, but I have someone who cleans for me when I'm gone. I have someone who's there with me so I'm not alone and therefore don't feel the terrible lonliness I used to feel when I spent a night at home.

I've got people who care about me, tell me they love me, pray with me, ask about me, and help me when I need it. And more than any amount of money, more than any number of parties, more than anything I do not have- I have community........and I am blessed.

No I am not perfect. Yes I backslide. Yes I'm a hipocrite. Yes I drop the ball and I am human but I am blessed and more than anything in my life just knowing that is what moves me the most and what gives me the most hope that tomorrow will be better.

So THANK YOU to all my friends who take the trouble to be caring and responsible and good rold models. Thanks for not giving up, thanks for all you do!

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This week's bowling scores: 143, 175, 198.