Latest Update

At Last: Some wedding pics. I still have to filter thru them all. Of course as I just put these up now; one month and one day after the wedding I found out I'm already going to be an aunt in May.

Talk about a fast honeymoon! I'm still getting used to the idea of my sister being married let alone being a mom.....and she's so domestically challenged. I have to say she's gotten better but with a kid she won't be able to eat out all the time. Better start learning how to use those dishes! :)

This picture is noteworthy because on the right you have my uncle Jerry and on the left you have my brother Tim. When TIm was little, the hightlight of family gatherings was Jerry using a pressure point on my brother's hand to make him bark like a dog. Tim's a little bigger now....

Here are 2 of my cousins, one from each side of the family. Alyssa and Jenna.

The obligatory family shot. How I got the short, fat gene I'll never know....

The rest I'll leave you to digest.

Thursday Chick Bits

It's been awhile. Here's a brief update of what I've been doing:

Back in school for my last semester before applying to the Master's of Nursing program at Metro State. It's been a challenge getting my brain back into studying- and I only had 4 weeks off!
I have a new teacher who's very smiley for Anat & Phys and my nutrition teacher's pretty interesting.
I like her but you dont know if she's gonna kill you of kiss you. Awesome!

Having to journal everything I eat for 3 days made me realize that my diet is once more coffee, coffee, and fast food.....and coffee, so I'm amking an effort to get back to healthy eating. I even bought some cool new kitchen gadgets for veggies and a stove top grill at the State Fair.

Watch out! Sarah's back in the kitchen and baking season is almost upon us!

My sister is now married and I'm trying to get used to seeing her as Mrs Rueb. I've only seen her once for about a minute since the wedding so far.

I've still been struggling with my situation in life. There are days when I like being single and days I really struggle with it. Now that my sister's married and a bunch of my girlfriends are expecting kids I'm feeling more left behind.
It's not so much being single and childless than knowing if and when I do settle down and have kids, my friends' kids will be older and at a different place in life than I am still. I feel my cohort slipping away.

Possibly in rebellion I have gotten back together with my ex-boyfriend Troy- not my best friend who I'm convinced was made for me- but my other ex. He's mellowed somewhat but spending more time with him had only made me remember why I distanced myself from him in the first place. He talks to me like a servant; orders me around and he's not "in love" with "me" just the idea of me. He's thinking of getting custody of his 2 daughters and is looking for a babysitter and someone to run his household while he's away. That's not a life partner situation.

I actually took a long walk the other day and brought my bible. I live close to the church I grew up in. Sad thing is that recently the church was torn down and houses were built. But I walked over there anyway, remembering the days I went there, when I got baptized thru there, walking around the church and praying for blessing on the grounds, working missionettes, being in plays, going to VBS, potlucks after every service on Sundays. It really was my church community.
A block away is a park we used to go to so I walked over there and had my first real quiet time where I listened as well as spike in a long time. I was looking for any kind of encouragement and found myself reading I Peter.

It wasn't quite the encouragement I was looking for but it reminded me that we will go thru trials and they won't last but our treasure up in heaven is waiting and will always last. We just have to endure and persevere.

------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been dealing with some minor health stuff lately, too. The hormonal swings make me manic depressive but it seems I have to be back on my meds. I think my health is also fueling my struggle with being childless because it's really not looking good for me to be able to have children. I hope that's not the case but it's something I have to think about.

That's about all that's new. Not much. Looking forward to small group sign up this Friday and am hoping it won't be overwhelming for me with school and everything else. When I get tired and worn out I tend to make very stupid life decisions.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh and I sang karaoke at the State Fair! and people came up to me on the street later and told me how good I was so there's my affirmation :)

ok..back to work

An Answered Prayer......well sort of

So this morning I prayed before I left for work that God would make the day go by swiftly but at the same time make it a long work day because I need more hours yet have little to do in the afternoons.

I get to work this morning--- no paperwork and no attachements on the e-mails.
So I ask my boss if I can drive down to Inver Grove Heights from New Brighton to pick up the paperwork since they told me it would be 10 o' clock by the time they got up here. He gave me the ok.

It was a beautiful morning for a drive- despite all the idiots on the roads. That killed about an hour and a half of time. My paperwork is in chaos. One of the guys at Cut Fruit is on vacation in Alaska and I heard the awful news that his brother died up there yesterday. Apparently he had a seizure and drowned in the bathtub. The Trone family could use a lot of prayer.

Now I'm left with 1/2 the paperwork I need, am still waiting for the other stuff to be e-mailed and faxed and I feel like I might never get out of here today. So I guess it's an answer to prayer.

I've been kind of melancholy this week. Been thinking about Christopher a bit....still now able to fully grasp it's been almst 4 months since he died. I've also just been thinking of life things- how things will change in my family when my sister gets married, what I'll say in the speech, how school will go this fall, wondering if I'm ever going to have a family of my own someday, and yet I'm also so anxious to go to church tomorrow night and worship God.

I really wanted to go last Friday except I had to drive to Hibbing. I really can't wait!!!

A Little Bit of Pampering

So re-reading my blogs after I post them makes me realize how non-sensical they seem. Someday I might have more than 10 minutes to write.

Hard to believe my sister's wedding is next Saturday already. It still all seems surreal. I'd hoped our downstairs bathroom would've been done by now. When I left for Hibbing it looked like it was, when I came home the tile was all ripped up in the shower again and the pieces were in the trash.

We have 3 houseguests arriving next week. It would be nice to have 2 bathrooms for the 6 fo us....and to get my room put back together so I can pull out the hide-a-bed.

I'm looking forward to seeing my relatives- especially those from British Colombia. I was supposed to move out there this year, but this wedding got in the way of that which actually turned out to be a blessing because it was the motivation I needed to get my butt back in school and work on my masters degree.

Once I'm a nurse, finding a job won't be the issue I've been facing in moving either.

Tonight I'm taking mom to get her hair highlighted and myself am having a spa manicure, facial, and brow wax. Good thing about the facial, too as all the evaporating grease that hit my face working mini donuts is starting to emerge in the form of zits- today I have a nice one right on the very tip of my nose.

I've also got a nice 3rd degree burn on my left forearm and a 3 inch scratch across my right hand. Really I don't care how I look in general but I would like to look nice for the wedding to contribute to my sister's "perfect day".

Unfortunately I am already predisposed to be spiteful towards the photographers. My sister just had to have this one place do them and they're dictating how the wedding is to go.

Here's the scenario:
Photographer: The cost is $5000.00 for 2 people and we have to start pictures at 11. You will have to see your fiancee before the ceremony so we'll give you 5 minutes alone together.

Oh and we EXPECT that there will be 2 place settings for us for dinner. We will be leaving by 7pm even though the dance doesn't start 'til 8.

KT: What do we get for that $5000???

Photographer: 2 CDs but any print you want you'll have to go somewhere else and pay extra.

Me: 5 Grand????!!! Are you out of your F$%^$King mind???? I have friends that would do it for $500!!!

KT: Too late we already signed the contract and paid them.

Me: (slaps hand on forehead and walks away in disgust)

I sure hope I don't spend $30K on my wedding. I love my sister but she's so naive about so many things and excpets to live like a millionaire on a elementary school teacher's salary.

I still have no idea what to say in my maid-of-honor's speech. I don't even want to give a speech. I have no fond memories of growing up together.....we downright hated each other.
I have nothing to say except "thank God it's over! Let's just get on with normal life shall we??"

Yes it's all very selfish and I'm trying to be supportive but the expectations are so high. Does no one realize that I still have my own life to live???? I don't have 3 months off this summer and unlimited funds to cater to her every whim like she and my parents' expcet me to. I have plans of my own that are all scheduled around this thing- some of these plans having been set before they were even engaged.....

I just need a little venting here.

One thing about a little pampering though, it makes you forget all your troubles - for about 2 hours anyway. :)

Pictures from Summer Adventures

It's starting to get crazy and the next 3 weeks will be even crazier with my sister's wedding just 12 days away.

Here are some pictures from my last 2 weekends. I'm still working on the camping trip pics.
2 weekend ago I was at Mille Lacs with my friend Mike to just get in some fishing and 4-wheeling and just chill now that I've finished summer classes:














This is the biggest fish caught this year. It was rather choppy out on the water. I'd pity anyone with seasickness to be out that weekend but it was still fun.

I coudn't find my riding glasses and the trails were pretty dusty. Once I took off my sunglasses in the liqour store I got some strange looks and you can't see it in this pic but I was covered in mud and caked with dust.... awesome!















The great thing about Mille Lacs are the faboulous sunsets.















This past weekend I worked with my uncle once again in his mini-donut truck at the St Louis country fair in Chisholm, MN.














For those who don't know where that is, it's about 220 miles northwest next to Hibbing.

After working 40 1/2 hours at my regular job, I put in 31 1/2 hours working mini donuts for a total of 72 hours last week. Needless to say I'm a little tired today.

This was my life for those weekend hours:





























My cousin Jenna was also there. For some reason we lost our hotel room Saturday so Jenna was sent home Saturday night and since Troy's nieces live in Hibbing I was able to stay with them.

They're so great and I always love the opportunity to spend time with them.

Oddly enough when I go to the State Fair, I have to have all hte greasy crappy food, but when working a fair and that's all I have to eat for the weekend, I find no appeal in the food whatsoever- except in the chicken strips this one guy sells with this awesome honey mustard sauce- and white cheese curds.....but that's it. I don't even eat the free mini donuts.

So staring at these all weekend didn't tempt or phase me. :)

As far as other life stuff, everything just seems on hold. The Troy B thing's still running around in my head but in my heart I've resolved it to be no.

It just seems like the people I want to be close to are distant and the ones I want to be distant from are close and I feel there's just no time to work on these things right now.....nor do I know how to work on them other than praying but it takes more than that.

All I do know is I'm tired thru and thru and I still need a big change in my life.

I sure hope I get into nursing school on the first try.

Mixed Up Tuesday

Here's a bunch of random stuff running around in my head:

I heart Catherine Tate!

Catherine Tate is a British actress/comedienne. If you've never caught any of the last season of Doctor Who or seen "The Catherine Tate Show" there are a bunch of clips on youtube.
I highly recommend starting with "Lauren Cooper" or the "Translation" videos, but there's also Derrick, the Aga Saga woman, Ginger, and the "Im not drunk enough" clip.

She's a phenomenal actress and I can't get enough of her. There- I finally have a woman crush :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I went to dinner and a drink with ex-boyfriend Troy.....not to be confused with best friend Troy who's also an ex-boyfriend (TroyVolta).
Troy B expresses his wish to get back together after 7 years of on again off again. Now that he's turned 40 he's realized it's time to settle down- again. (His ex-wife cheated on him).

It should be a straightforward "NO" on my part......not just because of his lifestyle which includes lots of drinking or because deep down I just don't think he's for me, but after a long conversation with my family prior to going out on why I'm still single and can't seem to meet anyone- at least anyone who's interested in me AND who I'm interested in......well it was difficult to give that resounding NO to Troy.

I've actually been considering it all day. I've been alone for so long and am so tired.....part of me just wants to say yes, settle down and be done with it and yet do I really want to "settle"?

This issue just seems to keep coming up and I keep going back to him..... he has mellowed quite a bit since I've known him but I just don't know that I'll be truly happy deep down.
I'd have security, I'd have tons of connections, parties, fancy dinners, fancy cars, fancy friends and live the high life. I'd be able to travel anywhere. I'd have so many doors opened up.....but Troy's not really interested in having another kid.....though he might consent to 1.

I'm sure I'd love his 2 girls but they're tweens already.

He's got obligations to them and is pretty much non-existent in the summers- the trade off for having 5 months off a year........

He wouldn't be into camping, or hiking, or canoeing, or bowling or karaoke or actually playing sports.....except golf which isn't my forte.

There's so many things I could have but so many things I'd have to give up on..... but I don't want to lead him on so I suppose I should come to a decision soon.

This shouldn't be a hard choice----so why is it???????

Maybe it's because in my heart I know that my best friend Troy is the one for me but he'll never change and go back to women.... I feel like my one opportunity was lost and now I just have to make do...... Troy B's been in my life for 7 years so I don't have to start from scratch. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me- words I don't hear from anyone else.

However, I don't think I'll ever be able to feel as comfortable and unsettled( in a good way) as I do with my TroyVolta.....and he and I unfortunately will never be.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
On a lighter note, camping trip 2008 was a success. We had fun- though a bit tamer than usual.
For the most part the weather held up and we saw us a big cave.

Hopefully I'll have time to post pics soon.

Let The Good Times Roll.........!

It's over..........

I mean- it's really, finally over. 9 weeks of adrenaline rushing, sleepless nights and hours of lectures; 100 cups of Caribou mochas and a few more friends made in the world.

School's out for summer!

The finals were not as difficult as they could've been. I was actually shocked that the class average was 80%. On my lecture test which was the biggest I scored 100/100. On the lab test I scored 40/40. As far as lecture tests go, that ws my highest and according to the website, only 1 student scored 100% or better...... 1?! And that was me?????

I'm so thrilled I managed to get another "A". Now I can maybe get some sleep at night for the next 5 weeks until I start fall semester.

Today I leave for the summer camping trip. I had 4 hours of sleep last night and the night before, feel like I'm completely unprepared even though my car is stuffed with crap, and there's about 3 hours worth of driving ahead of me after working a full day but I'm soooooo excited!!!!!

Tonight a good night's sleep is in order then tomorrow it's tubing down the St Croix with a little alcohol to help float me along.

Kabobs, s'mores, hobo dinners, shortcakes, doritos are all being looked forward to....mmmmmm

Now I just have to get these bachelorette invitations done. I'm so unproductive today. :)

This Can't Be July

Is it really mid-July already???? Wow is this summer ever going fast!
It also can't be July because every one in the office is getting sick. Many in my little department have coughs, have lost their voices and I want no part of it! Summer's too short to be sick.


Tomorrow is finals day......which means today is intensove study day. I've got to put in an extra study class tonight and cram, cram some more.


I'm bummed that I can't get the class I wan't next semester. I can't even register until Monday. I'll have to seriously pray about it. I went to my boss this week with my proposal to work from school on the days I have class this fall.

My company is very resistant to change so we'll see if that flies, but really there's no reason I can't.

My job consists of doing the paperwork between companies for our offsite division. It just so happens that my school is very close to that off site division---which is on the other side of the metro area.



Rather than commute from St. Paul to New Brighton to Inver Grove Heights, back to New Brighton and back to St. Paul I think it would be easier to go St Paul to IGH to New Brighton then back to St Paul......just do a loop.



I'll have to pray that works out with management.



This weekend is the annual camping trip with the Sluiters. This year's extra guest is Lucas. We're always looking for more campers but it's hard to get other people involved when everyone's got different schedules and we don't want to make it HUGE.


Can't wait to see what the caves look like in Harmony!
Hopefully I'll have some great pics come Monday :)

Another One Bites the Dust

Yesterday was the 3rd and final shower I attended for my sister's upcoming nuptuals.
This one was given by her soon to be in-law family, the Ruebs.

Here are a few pics:

Me and my sis
















The showing of the Jr bridesmaid dresses.

Katie behind her mountain of presents

Both of our Grandmas



















No More photos!

The End of the Tunnel

One more big test down, 2 more to go.
I scored 96% on yesterday's test which is 2 wrong. I thought I did better but it will do.

Then next 6 days I'll be studying like crazy and lying even lower than I have been for the final which is about 1/3 of my grade. I also have 2 papers to finish by Tuesday.

So if I seem off, anti-social or incoherent you know why. I've been making stupid little mistakes with every day things lately, probably because my brain's trying to compensate and put the info somewhere which means other things get pushed aside.

I can't say how much I'm looking forward to next week's camping trip!

Also I'm looking forward to this weekend being the last of the bridal showers I have to attend. I just have to finish getting the bachelorette party planned and invites out, get my dress altered and I can sit back and relax until August and start enjoying the summer.

I regret to say I never finished my garden and it's suffered from lack of water due to my inattention. But it still looks mostly nice in the back.

My room will be under construction for awhile and I'm hoping once school is done I can start working on the house and getting some projects done before we take on house guests for the wedding. We're definitely going to need our 2 bathrooms then.

I think tonight after church I definitely need to go out and party. Maybe some karaoke is in order. It's been months since I've been out for it.

Great Weekend Wishes To All!

And Then There Were Three....

One more class down.......

You can really feel the energy has been sucked out of our classroom. Kari, one of my fellow classmates, noted that yesterday and it's true. We're all dreaming of next Thursday night when this thing will be over.

It's fun, it's exciting to learn about the body, but it's so intense.....though probably not as intense as it could be since they dumb it down a bit for a 7 week summer session.

Last night was the muscle practical. I was rather worried about this one but turns out I got 40 out of 40. No extra credit apparently. I was thrown on those questions where it asked what certain muscles actually DO. I was just happy I could remember the names and where they went....nevermind what they do. :) Tomorrow is the next big lecture test on the nervous system and the special senses.

In other news, my bedroom is being ripped apart this week as the leak was discovered as coming from the shower in the bathroom. The entire wall is full of mold as well as the carpet so sometime, somehow I have to move my bed out of there. I'm sleeping on an air matress in the upstairs spare room which is the smallest room in the house. (My borther didn't like the whole living room arrangement) so who knows when I'll get my room back.
Fortunately for now I don't have much time to really worry about it. Maybe I'll be able to convince my brother to rip all the hideous paneling down and just paint the room.

I think instead of carpet ot would be nice to get some cool marble tile or something and just have an area rug so not as much moisture would accumulate. We bought a big dehumidifier but my brother doesn't grasp the concept that the windows need to be closed in order for it to work.

I feel bad all this is happening- espceially since he just spent a large sum of $ to get all new windows in the house, fis the roof and rewire the eletrical.

Now that I'll be forced to use the upstairs bathroom I think I'm going to push to redo that as well..... something I'll probably do on my own and with my own $.

It seems like so long from now but I'm still super psyched about the upcoming camping trip next weekend to LaCrosse/Harmony. Looks like our friend Lucas will be joining us and maybe Kurt as well.

.....also gotta get cracking on planning my sister's bachelorette party which is coming up fast.
I've got a theme: the naughty school girl -since she's a teacher. Beyond that I don't know what I'm going to do with it though.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

the only downside is one of the party is only 19 so we can't go to any bars.....beyond the bowling alley of course.

Post 4th of July Musings

The summer's almost halfway over already.... Holy Crap!
My wedding diet has so far been dismally unsuccessful. I think with the stress of being in school and not being on a regular schedule along with all the other crap and a very inactive life sitting behind a desk all day and in a classroom all night - well I may have gained a few pounds.

This past weekend I was at our family's cabin in Richmond, MN. The weather was absolutely perfect. I bought a cheap inflatable raft and rowed around the lake. I got to try out my brand new tent and airmattress and decided I could live in there during the summer.

I didn't handle being around so many people that well though so I came back Saturday afternoon. My best friend Troy made tacos for dinner, we went for a motorcycle ride then I was introduced to "The Bourne Identity" and "The Bourne Supremacy".
Now I'll have to watch the last one.

Sunday I spent most of the day at a Caribou in Brooklyn Park studying before meeting my friends Keith and Craig (along with a friend of Craig's) to watch the 3 part season finale of Doctor Who..... Awesome. Totally awesome is all I can say, though I will desperately miss Catherine Tate.

I got a letter from Christopher's mom with some pictures she found in his things. One of them I already have but the other I'd forgotten about- featuring myself, Chris and 2 of his uncles who I'm very close to. I still have to make the albums for his daughters but it's been difficult to look at the pictures. Guess I'm still processing. It still doesn't feel real that he's gone. Every time I think about it I just start crying.

In other news, when I came home from the lake this last weekend, I noticed something along the wall by my bed that I thought was candle wax at first. I knew there had been a party at the house while I was away and wondered if anyone intruded in my room until I realized it was mushrooms! Yes ACTUAL MUSHROOMS growing out of my carpet!!!!! I was going to take a picture but by the time I got back home my brother had already cleaned them up.

We've been having a problem with water leaking into my room and haven't been able to lock down the source of the leak yet. But since my room's got issues now I took to sleeping in the living room upstairs last night. My air matress is super comfy but it literally does take up the whole living room. It's wall-to-wall with the couches so it's one room full of bed.

Next week is my last week of class- yay- then the big camping trip. I've got 4 intensive tests left starting with my muscle practical today.

That's about it for this girl- and it's enough.

One More Shower Down....

Not much is going on in my social life still.
I'm enjoying not having to study every free moment I have, and to have taken the weekend off completely.

Here's how the weekend went:

Friday, went to the Rock. Kim came back!
Ended up meeting a friend at the Grand 7 for a drink. He knows the owners so we went with them to Mancini's where he knows the Mancini's as well. My friend and I danced and were repeatedly bought drinks by the Mancinis. I had to refuse some of them.....just can't drink like that anymore, but it was fun.

Saturday got up early to work, then went to Hugo for yet another one of my sister's wedding showers. This one was one that I had organized and was co-ed. There weren't that many people there- mostly our families- and the weather wasn't that great but that was great for me because it was over in 2 hours.

I had enough time for a 20 minute nap before meeting my best friend Troy for dinner. I waiting at his work for about an hour for him to finish. I took a little nap in my car and also talked to one of his co-workers for a long time.
Troy ended up delivering a motorcycle to a customer's house so while he did that, I crawled into his bed to take a nap again. He let me sleep for a couple hours.

We finally headed out to dinner about 8pm. We pulled into the lot at Timberlodge in West St. Paul where I'd taken him not 4 weeks ago. The place was shut down!!!!

So we went to the Cherokee Room....which was still good but I'd rather have gone to Timberlodge. We both had prime rib......had been awhile since I'd had it. Yummy. :)

After that, we drove around a bit, then took about a 3 hour walk thru South St. Paul. We walked every street in the neighborhood he grew up in. Walked the grounds of his high school and junior high while he wold me stories about growing up.
We stopped at DQ for some ice cream, then at this hole-in-the-wall bar the PNA which is a side by side house. you'd never know it was a bar!

It was a great night.

Yesterday I slept in 'til almost noon. Troy didn't feel like getting together so I took my new tent out and figured out how to put it up. Turk, my dog, seemed to like being inside it.
I couldn't find my air-pump at home so I bought an new one along with some new sheets for my new airmatress. I've spent way TOOOOO much money on this camping gear this year but it'll last me forever.

Last night my friend Mike and I went out for his b-day. We say "Get Smart" which was kind of slow but I enjoyed it. Then we hit Sgt. Pepper's for dinner.

Now it's just 4 intense days of work and school and studying before relaxing at the lake. Can't wait! .......

Slight Discouragement

Good news:

My developmental Psych class is over and although I didn't do so great on the last test it didn't count so I still ended up with an "A" for the class.

This week was a difficult and unsettling one in my Anatomy and Physiology class. Tuesday we had our second lecture exam and our teacher wasn't there due to a family emergency. We took the test and I felt confident. The great thing is that after taking the test, we get to take it again in groups.

Even in the group, we all agreed on the answers and they were all the answers I had chosen originally. I felt so confident I aced it. So this morning I check my grade.......... 82%.

WTF???!!

I've been mulling it over in my mind, thinking about the 2 questions I was slightly unsure of but even if I'd gotten them both wrong I'd still be at 96%.
How could I get 82%??? Of course i'm not perfect but I was so sure- everything seemed so clear.
So that's been pretty discouraging today.
Last night we had our lab test on bones. With our teach being out Tuesday, we didn't have lab which really was a disadvantage.

I'm not very confident about my lab exam and hope that I did fairly well to make up for the lecture exam. This had just been an off week for me.

I'm exhausted, not only from school full time at night, but from also working full time (some of my workdays are 10+ hours to adjust for the shorter hours I have to do on early school days). I'm also tired from weekends of having wedding showers and other events.

To top it off, I find out my sister's not very happy with me because I'm not devotiong more time to her and in elaborately planning parties-- with themes and whatever other people are doing for their friends.
I guess me freeing up 6 weekends of my summer to accomodate her and be at all her parties and plan half of them with very little help from her wasn't enough.

6 weekends- that's half the weekends in a summer.

Yet when I was trying to explain it, well my mom seems to understand, but my dad thinks I'm not being considerate of my sister...because it's "something she's only going to do once in her life".

Gee that's great. Not only is this a wedding day for them---- it's a fricking wedding YEAR! This whole year has been nothing but talk of this wedding.

Who cares that I turned 30? Who cares that there are any other events going on.....like my cousin who just got married. I really don't want to even be around this wedding because it makes me feel like crap that the one thing I want most- to settle down- looks like it will never happen. I can't even get a friggin date. I'm so scared of even entering into a relationship having had 2 boyfriends die, one take advantage of me, and one turn gay.

Nope, it's all about my sister. And yeah I'm happy for them and I want to give them time and attention. I'm honored to be the maid of honor but I can only stretch so far and it just hurts when I give my best and it's not good enough.

That's always been my biggest neurosis---- never feeling like I measure up and I suffer a massive ego complex to compensate for it. I'm overly competitive and hard on myself and always have to outdo everyone just to feel worthy of existing.

That's so not right but that's how I feel.

Wow, didn't mean to totally unload like that but think I needed it. .......

I'm just tired and very emotional. I'm almost overwhelmed but I hope things will settle down again soon.

These last few days it's been hard not to look back on the last 10 years and think so many good things happened then, but not much is really exciting in my life now. No dating, no partying or much friend time....I know there will be rewards from my efforts.......just gets to me that I have yet another mountain to climb sometimes.

The Home Stretch

This is my last full week of classes for the summer- woo hoo!

I'm looking forward to being able to breathe again during the week, especially now that summer has decided to show itself.

As usual, things are booking up fast. There's something going on every weekend until September now. I'm really looking forward to going back up to the lake for 4th of July weekend and to try out my new camping equipment up there before the trip in the 18th.

Last night I went out and bought a new tent. I've been hesitant to buy one since my other one's still good- just needs a little stitching up, but I got a bigger one- one where I can actually stand up inside.

In case of bigger camping events, this tent sleeps 4-6, unlike my other one that sleeps 2-3. I debated twice at the store whether I wanted a new backpacking tent or this bigger tent. The bigger one, won.

I also bought a double high queen size mattress to put in the tent. Now I'm all for roughing it as much as possible when camping; that's what it's all about, but it seems that in my 30s I have to upgrade. Maybe this is why old people canter around in 5th wheel trailers when they "camp". Will I be like that one day????

I'm still psyched about our camping trip to Harmony, MN this year. For now it seems our campground is under water due to the flooding rivers so we're waiting that one out. Hope it works out though.

Valleyfair looks like it might be a go this year. Haven't been on rides in a few years.

Speaking of rides though, yesterday I found out Troy's sister's fiancee bought a brand new Yamaha V-Star motorcycle......like the exact same one I wanted to get. He doesn't have his license yet so has been encouraging Troy to ride it. So yesterday I finally got to go for a ride! It had been too long....and I was scared to death (and it's not a Goldwing which feels safer) but it was exhilirating.

I could write more about stuff that's happening but I've got to cut this short. Lots of work to get done before I head of to class. There' s a test every day this week.

But one more thing.......after many years of trying to get my former co-worker to come to the Rock, she finally came last Friday and really liked it. She wants to go again this Friday so please pray that she does make it again. She's notorious for saying she'll be somewhere and not show up. She's going through some stuff and really is hungry for God I believe.

Overload = Mini-Break

So I'm little more than halfway through my summer classes, and you know what? My brain hurts.
No, it literally hurts. i've been plagued with headaches all week and it can only be from all the information I'm trying to cram into it in a short time.

You know what that means?
V A C A T I O N~!

I'm excited to be going to the lake this weekend to- well to study hard actually but at least I'll be more immersed in nature.

So far both classes are going well and I'm at A-level in both.

One thing about being back in school I did not expect is that:
1. I'm having a hard time getting to sleep because of increased caffeine intake and racing thoughts.

2. I keep having the strangest dreams.....many of which are about school and I'm memorozing things. Seriously, I went over and over my rat dissection in a dream just to remember all the parts.

Last night I dreamt about tissue slides and kept repeating them over and over to memorize them.... which I really hope works 'cuz I've got a histology practical coming up on Tuesday.

But also, I've been dreaming about my friends and about work. It's odd that I almost never dream about any of my family members. It's mostly friends- friends from church......guess I know where my heart lies....

More disturbingly though, last night I had a rather unsettling dream about T.L. and that he didn't turn out like I expected. I reasoned "in my dream" that I was more in love with the idealization I created of T.L. than the person himself. This could be true since in actuality I don't know T.L. very well as much as I would like to.

Maybe it was just a sub-conscious reaction to that I saw T.L. at church last week and kind of waved at him but it was like he didn't even see me.

I've been struggling with -not necessarily lonliness- more just in being alone. Guess I'm too busy to think about being lonely, but my mind and everything about me never fails to notice that I am all alone.
(I mean in the physical sense here because if I didn't think God was there I'd be in a very sad place).

I'm not depressed about it. I still REALLY fancy T.L. but such is my yearning I know it's probably not healthy for me. I think I'm arriving at a place where I either need to get serious and really go after settling down, or stay serious on a career track and I think for now I'm content on the career track.

It still makes me feel lonely. But what else can I do? ....maybe not blog at 6am when I'm still half asleep. Then I might be able to make more sense. :)

So for now, it's time to get through this work day so I can enjoy my full on weekend mini-break.
And if anyone does read my blog and attend the Rock, and sees T.L. tonight (or any Friday) maybe you can play matchmaker for us and help me see if there's any interest on his side, or help me see if I'm just deluding myself.

Happy Friday!

Neo-College Life

You can tell you're back in college when you start oversleeping, over eating -especially junk food and look down at your shirt in the break rook at work to realize it's on inside out and backwards.

It's been an adjustment going back to school. Granted I'm only taking 2 classes which are super accelerated; cramming an entire semester into 6 weeks, but with working full time and increasing job demands as well I'm starting to feel a little pressured.

So far God's arranged it where I've been able to ease back in to the rigors of school like attention span, study habits, etc. One class I'm halfway thru while the other one I've just started this week. After today I'll only have 3 more weeks of both classes together then I'll just have one class for another 3 weeks.

It's been challenging trying to get Monday's homework and reading done for Wednesday when I'm in class all night Tuesday and likewise for Getting Tuesday's homework done for Thursday when I'm in class all night Wednesday.

Thank God for WEEKENDS!
So anyone who reads this and happens to see me and maybe notices I'm a little abrupt and short with people this month.....this is why. I've got tons fo information to assimilate very quickly and my brain is struggling enough with just that. Forget social niceties.

I don't mean to be irritable but really, for the most part I'm just not aware of it.
Hopefully this will all be worth it and I'll get into nursing school.

The Nosy Neighbor

Have you ever had one of those neighbors who complains about EVERYTHING?
I know Kevin has but it seems now so do I.

There is this older lady, and who knows who else, who lives behind my borther's house where I now reside. Last night after a long, grueling day of yard work and planting flowers, my brother decided to try out his new fire pit. I told him not to put it on the deck at least but he was determined to try it out on the deck. The deck was wet, there was no wind, no ash, no smoke-or very little, and 3 people standing around watching it next to a hose.

The fire hadn't even been going 5 minutes when this lady popped her head over the fence and started yelling at us saying we're wrong, that we have to have a permit, this and that and the other.

My brother tried to be calm and sensisble and it was I who went off hte deep end. I could've been much meaner but I told her to go back home and mind her business as well as call her a bitch quite a few times.

Now usually I have a very ling fuse and don't talk back to people.
Maybe it's my repressed anger, or my anger at the neighbor growing up who used to yell at me for walking in my own back yard, but America is land of the free and I feel that if I don't tell you how to live, you shouldn't tell me.

This was the second time I've dealt with this lady. The first was a few weeks ago while I was raking leaves and playing with my dog- who doesn't reside with me.
She came out yelling the she hates dogs that bark like that, she got the last people in our house to move, she's calling the police, etc.

The sad thing is, she actually does call the police, fire dept. etc.

So even though we knew we were in our rights last night, my borther called the fire departement to check the laws. We were right but they said that if she calls they have to come out and put the fire out anyway even though it's legal because we're basically at her mercy.

I know this lady does nothing but watch our house to see if we're living to her standards.
Where I live, I won't stand for this kind of harassment. I'm afraid I really might lose it and accidentally turn the hose on in her direction or throw dirt at her or something.
I know I'm better than that but my temper is getting the better of me.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Normally I'd just ignore her but it's hard to ignore city officials with sirens blaring when they show up, too.

The Clone War Has Begun

Drunk 'Darth Vader' assaults 'Jedi leaders'

HOLYHEAD, Wales (AP) -- A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a black garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of Britain's first Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones -- a.k.a. Master Jonba Hehol -- with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.
He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones -- or Master Mormi Hehol -- bruising his thigh, in the March 25 incident.
Unfortunately for Hughes, the incident was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.
"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.
Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the best part of a 10-liter (two-and-half-gallon) box of wine beforehand.


"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.
District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year.
He also ordered Hughes to pay £100 ($195) to each of his victims and £60 ($117) in court costs.
Barney Jones, his brother Daniel and cousin Michael set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. It claims about 30 members.
Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 people -- 0.7 percent of the population -- listed Jedi as their religion.

WOW.... I think this article pretty much speaks for itself. I couldn't help but laugh at this guy beating up Jedi Masters with a metal crutch while the Jedi were going to film themselves in a lightsaber duel. Where wre the lightsabers? Who forgot how to use the force? After drinking 2 1/2 gallons of wine you'd think Darth Vader would be a little too inebriated to take on himself let alone Jedi masters.

I think this is totally a Rock TV in the making.

Also, sadly, it just shows how much the world needs God and how people will turn to anything to fill that void within themselves rather than the one who created them.

Thursday Chick BIts

Goobye bowling, hello college!
It's true I feel naked without bowling summer league this year. Unfortunately in order to apply to nursing school in January I have 4 classes to complete by December- one of them being 2 semesters.

In addition, my vacation to British Colombia is now cancelled due to school conflicts. I sure hope this is all worth it and that I do get in to nursing school. It's highly competitive.

Not much else going on.
My 30th birthday approaches and soon after the big party. Still haven't had the $ for new karaoke CDs but I pray God comes thru on that.

Looking forward to the openings of the new Indiana Jones movie and the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

My sister's wedding is rapidly appraoching and next weekend is the first of about 5 parties she's having beforehand.

I FINALLY found a new place to sing karaoke that I Love! Now twice a week I've been going to Neville's in St. Paul. It's nice that it's not on the same night as church. i do miss hanging with my friends at Hoover's but I've gotta go where it feels right.

On the plus side, I've been able to do more sketching since I bring it with me to karaoke and sit by myself- I don't mind.

So begins the wild rollercoaster ride of the summer!