Chronicles of a Bowling Alley Chick

2009 A Decade in Review

2009-12-31T10:38:00.002-06:00

I figure the closing of a decade will prompt me to reminisce a bit:

I have one week left of freedom before I start school full time to do a 180 in my life path. I week and my life and future will change forever. It's been exciting, scary, and drastic for me but after surviving this last decade I've realized it's time to move on....and that I survived is pretty impressive considering what I went through.

2000-2009 in review:

I bought my first brand spankin new car - a 2002 SL-1 Saturn which I still have and which now has about 180,000 miles on it.

I became a bartender by night.....this broke me of my intense shy streak.

I moved out of my parents' house for the 1st time, then back in, then back out again. I lived in 6 different places these last 10 years!

I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in biology. Fat lot of good it did me- there are no good careers in biology.

After graduation, and never having been on a plane or on my own before, I spent 3 weeks in Britain, Ireland and France on my own. This is very scary when I think of it, but it was also before 9/11.

9/11 happened. For the first time I realized America wasn't as invincible as I thought. Late I would discover we are a pretty hated nation in many parts of the world, yet everyone looks to us to be the saviors.

2001 I had my very first kiss at 23 years of ageand fell in love. It was romantic, unexpected and led me into a lot of trouble.
2003 I lost the first guy I kissed to a drunk driver.

2003 I switched churches and started attending The Rock in Minneapolis. This decision changed and shaped my entire world into what it is today. Most of the friends I have now are from-or were from- this church.

2004 I went on my first mission trip to El Salvador. I was a prisoner in an airport for 27 hours. Kind of intense but God showed his power, and in more ways than just that experience.

I started taking language classes in Russian and German. As a result of the Russian lessons, I made a wonderful and fascinating new friend Svitlana and became close to her whole family- including briefly dating her son.

We got a new family dog- Turk- who I couldn't imagine life without.
I got an aquarium and adopted fish- Odysseus, Achilles, and Finnegan- all of who died under different circumstances but who all enriched my life and my desk so much in their brief time with me.

I went to Vegas like 4 times. It doesn't inprove with more trips.....not worth all the hype in my opinion.

I saw Niagara Falls!

My Grandpa Bob passed away :(

My sister Katie got married and I got the best brother-in-law, Joe.

My niece/goddaughter Adelaide was born who brings me joy every time I see her :)

I started singing karaoke and was "on the circuit" for awhile. I did contests and feel a little famous when people come up to me and tell me they remember me from like 5 or 6 years ago at some other place they heard me sing.

I got into the bar scene and had my party years.
I got out of the bar scene and decided that's not where or how I want to spend my life.

I got drunk for the first time.
Drinking got me into lots of trouble and made me throw up more than I ever thought possible.

I crossed my 13 year anniversary at H. Brooks and company and have held 5 positions in that time.

I went to Mexico for the 2nd time.

I dyed my hair for the first of many times including being a redhead, a dark brunette, and a streaker, and got addicted to going to the salon. I also had my first manicure/pedicure/facial/ massage.....heaven let me tell ya....

2006 I attended my 10 year high school reunion. Was ok- wouldn't have missed much though.

2008 I turned 30 and decided it was time to pick a career path for life.

I met my best friend Troy who I dated briefly and who inexplicably ended our friendship after 7 years. Lots of good memories, trips to Arizona, CA, NV.....wish someday I would know what his deal was.

That's all I've got for now. So wild to look back and think all this happened after Y2K. I experienced soooo much. Look out 2010-2019!

My Big Fat Mouth

2009-09-21T13:48:00.002-05:00

So this past weekend I spent 48 glorious hours at my
(maternal) grandparents' cabin. The weather was perfect. The scenery in rapid transition from summer to fall and I found myself in tranquil bliss- that is until talk of selling the cabin came up.

This cabin has been in the family for over 50 years, and though I've been going to it for about 30 I don't necessarily feel entitled to it as much as I feel it's a part of me I couldn't bear to give up.

My mom and aunt were talking about my grandparents desire to sell- one day- though that day didn't sound too far off. When I questioned my mom and aunt, they seemed to feel strangers would soon be inhabiting this wonderfully tranquil place since no one if the family can afford to buy it outright and the fear was that there would be too much bickering if left to the whole family.

It bothered me all weekend. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to go up to the cabin one day, nor could I afford to buy it either. I kept thinking of ways in which I could.
Out of my grief, this morning I posted on Facebook something to the effect that my grandparents wanted to sell. I guess I alluded that they are currently selling which has caused somewhat of an uproar in the family leading to a chastisement from my grandfather.

I feel horrible. I only meant to convey my sadness at the thought of losing the cabin one day- which my be years off. It's not like there's a "For Sale" sign in the yard. (for only then would I believe it was true) As it stands, the cabin is NOT up for sale and may not be for a long time yet- or may never be. I just had to open my big fat e-mouth and now have to deal with the sweeping pandemonium.

So now I don't even feel worthy to go up there anymore. Perhaps this is profoundly stupid. It just fed into my feelings of crap for lack of wanting to articulately describe them. I'm not very articulate anyway. I'm more right brained. I live in pictures and images- not words.

Hopefully this will burn out quickly and I'll just go on remaining distant from every one. I feel like this is what I get for trying to engage myself in being open.

A New Beginning

2009-06-18T12:04:00.002-05:00

Long time, no post. I'm more of a facebooker these days. I'm freakin' addicted to it, and I haven't felt like writing much. It hurts to look inside most of the time.

Hopefully this summer I can change that.

So last Wednesday Troy, my best friend of the last 7+ years, decided we should no longer be friends. Not that we had a fight, not that there was much wrong (I thought) but because I had planned a surprise birthday for his 40th and he found out about it.

Yes, silly me. I was trying to do something NICE for the man. As usual, it backfired on me. Once he found out he was furious (he hates surprises but constantly tells me one thing and does another).
Then he said he understood my intentions were good. I hadn't seen or spoken to him much since he took a new job in Coon Rapids as the service manager of the Hitching Post.
Out of the blue last Wednesday he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again and wanted to make that permanent.

If this were any other time or place I probably would've contested it until he gave in. I have argued my case, begged forgiveness and done whatever it took to be ok again. I wouldn't have eaten or slept for days and would have had anxiety thinking how my life could possibly go on without him.

This time is sooooo different! Maybe it's that I've HAD IT with catering to someone who really couldn't care less about all the times I helped him out. Maybe it's that he stole all the money I gave him to put into our bank account. (I mean the account was for both of us but he told me he put the money in and never asked to take it out.) Maybe I've had it with his whining, his belief that he's gay and how he rubs it in my face all the time.
I've had it with the constant double standards and two-facedness.

I've soooo HAD IT!!! In a rare move I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him again- but still want the thousands of dollars he owes me. It's been tragic to see him become everything he once said he hated. A fag, a mooch, a total ingrate. (this may be some repressed anger talking here) .

Do I still love him? Absolutely. But I finally love him enough to completely let him go. I've realized I can't help him anymore, I can't fight his battles. Finally I find myself worth enough to fight for. I've given myself permission to be selfish.

What a liberaton! No longer do I have that overwhelming anxiety about what will happen to me without him. i've adopted an "I don't care" attitude. In truth I DO care but I can't dwell on what's happened and still move forward.

For the first time in 7 years I can see my life as being happy with someone I haven't even met yet. Even though I'm now 31, I still hope that I will meet some great guy and have kids. First i have to meet great guy. With my age and hormone problems and PCOS, it looks like conceiving will be a VERY VERY rocky road so this guy will have to be great because it's going to be an uberstressful time in our lives.

Part of me also feels like giving up and feels I'm too old to meet, get to know, and marry someone this late in life. I can't tell you how many days I feel like I should just join a convent and devote my life to service and prayer and permanently eschew all men. It feels like what I "Should" do but not what's deep in my heart.

I've been preying so much to God for him to keep me from tipping over into the depths of bitterness and despair. I've resolved myself to have an attitude of "Let's take life by the balls!" for the summer. I figure if I can get through the summer without Troy I'll be able to really push my life forward and meet new people.
I've planned lots of fun activities. I'm actually taking a REAL vacation out in Vancouver. I'm already overwhelmed by all the stuff going on this summer :)

Good luck to me.
Step one: Going to the cabin tomorrow for the weekend. Can I hold my tongue or do I let loose on my aunt and cousin about how I'm not going to enable them either and they can not ask me for favors 'til they pull their own lives together....... trust me- long, long story. But I would be well within my rights to tell them to GROW UP!

Mary Poppins is Full of Crap!

2008-10-16T15:14:00.002-05:00

A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down indeed......

Lately I've been under some considerable stress. I work about 42 hours a week and I go to school one class shy of full-time. I'm the secretary of my bowling league and I joined a small group this year.

It's no wonder then that I've been slowly stepping up on some stress eating. I make conscious efforts to eat moderately- sort of healthy. In an on the go-go-go---keep going-go some more lifestyle it's hard to plan ahead for meals and if I do prep, to keep them cold.

I feel the fat rolls around my stomach sloshing around in contentment more and more each day. I decided to turn to America's doctor- the internet via Google to see what there was to say about combating stress eating.

"Rising levels of the stress hormone cortisol spur increases in appetite, especially for carbohydrates and fat"

"Use your mind. Examine and reassess feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and defeat. Practice "thought stopping": The minute a negative thought arises, raise a stop sign in your mind and say, "In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity." This introduces hope - the antidote to stress - into the situation."

Yes, I'm unconsciously eating while watching my favorite shows in the hour I get before bed. But I'm going to meditate on my processes here. "Why amd I eating? Hmmm I have that exam coming up Monday and a reasarch paper due the same time. I don't feel prepared. I didn't do as well as I wanted on the last test. The future of my life depends on how well I do in these classes.......... NO WAY!!!! Did I totally just eat a WHOLE BAG of Doritos??????!!!"

Ok, that's not going to work.

"Get crunch without calories. If you must munch, eat baby carrots or celery sticks. Include protein. It satisfies longer and helps kill carb cravings. Pump up your raw-veggie snack with some lowfat cheese, for example."

Hmmm, I have this full bag of Reese's peanut butter cups in front of me....but I could get up and go to the fridge for my carrots and dip........ too messy, too cold...... maybe on the next commercial...... yeah those peanut butter cups are closer and I feel more satisfied when I eat them. Give me more!

"Avoid alcohol. It often leads to out-of-control eating and disturbed sleep"

Surprisingly, alcohol doesn't seem to effect me much. Lately it wakes me up more than coffee does but I generally do not eat if I'm drinking alcohol. There's no room left in my tummy and I have no problem falling asleep- EVER (unless i'm fighting with my best friend)

"Take vitamins. A daily multivitamin and a B-complex supplement can help fight stress."

I already do this.
While vitamins provide marginally more energy it really isn't much and I don't feel their stress fighting power.

"Writing down what you eat as you eat it is a proven weight-loss \strategy because it makes you more aware of what and how much you're putting into your mouth"

I'm pretty good at paying attention to what and how much I eat- even BLTS (bites, licks and tastes). I just don't care. Apathy takes over. I'm stressed I want my junk food. I'l go Chuck Norris on your ass if you get in my way.

After I binge I feel guilty but the stress is lower.

Bohemian revolution has some better advice like not keeping bad snacks where you get stressed. I do keep dried fruit and light snacks in my desk. I refuse to buy doritos except a tiny bag at lunch sometimes.

I think I'm screwed for awhile though.
I've gone from 1% to skim milk. Rich cocoa to milk chocolate, pop is rare (unless i'm with my BFF)
I try to walk more but I can't remember the last time I was out of breath from exercising instead of out of breath from asthma.

2 more months....... maybe then I can break the cycle...... (did I just eat the rest of that loaf of banana bread????!!!) YUMMY... :)

Latest Update

2008-09-17T10:39:00.012-05:00

At Last: Some wedding pics. I still have to filter thru them all. Of course as I just put these up now; one month and one day after the wedding I found out I'm already going to be an aunt in May.

Talk about a fast honeymoon! I'm still getting used to the idea of my sister being married let alone being a mom.....and she's so domestically challenged. I have to say she's gotten better but with a kid she won't be able to eat out all the time. Better start learning how to use those dishes! :)

This picture is noteworthy because on the right you have my uncle Jerry and on the left you have my brother Tim. When TIm was little, the hightlight of family gatherings was Jerry using a pressure point on my brother's hand to make him bark like a dog. Tim's a little bigger now....

Here are 2 of my cousins, one from each side of the family. Alyssa and Jenna.

The obligatory family shot. How I got the short, fat gene I'll never know....

The rest I'll leave you to digest.

Thursday Chick Bits

2008-09-04T09:24:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile. Here's a brief update of what I've been doing:

Back in school for my last semester before applying to the Master's of Nursing program at Metro State. It's been a challenge getting my brain back into studying- and I only had 4 weeks off!
I have a new teacher who's very smiley for Anat & Phys and my nutrition teacher's pretty interesting.
I like her but you dont know if she's gonna kill you of kiss you. Awesome!

Having to journal everything I eat for 3 days made me realize that my diet is once more coffee, coffee, and fast food.....and coffee, so I'm amking an effort to get back to healthy eating. I even bought some cool new kitchen gadgets for veggies and a stove top grill at the State Fair.

Watch out! Sarah's back in the kitchen and baking season is almost upon us!

My sister is now married and I'm trying to get used to seeing her as Mrs Rueb. I've only seen her once for about a minute since the wedding so far.

I've still been struggling with my situation in life. There are days when I like being single and days I really struggle with it. Now that my sister's married and a bunch of my girlfriends are expecting kids I'm feeling more left behind.
It's not so much being single and childless than knowing if and when I do settle down and have kids, my friends' kids will be older and at a different place in life than I am still. I feel my cohort slipping away.

Possibly in rebellion I have gotten back together with my ex-boyfriend Troy- not my best friend who I'm convinced was made for me- but my other ex. He's mellowed somewhat but spending more time with him had only made me remember why I distanced myself from him in the first place. He talks to me like a servant; orders me around and he's not "in love" with "me" just the idea of me. He's thinking of getting custody of his 2 daughters and is looking for a babysitter and someone to run his household while he's away. That's not a life partner situation.

I actually took a long walk the other day and brought my bible. I live close to the church I grew up in. Sad thing is that recently the church was torn down and houses were built. But I walked over there anyway, remembering the days I went there, when I got baptized thru there, walking around the church and praying for blessing on the grounds, working missionettes, being in plays, going to VBS, potlucks after every service on Sundays. It really was my church community.
A block away is a park we used to go to so I walked over there and had my first real quiet time where I listened as well as spike in a long time. I was looking for any kind of encouragement and found myself reading I Peter.

It wasn't quite the encouragement I was looking for but it reminded me that we will go thru trials and they won't last but our treasure up in heaven is waiting and will always last. We just have to endure and persevere.

------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been dealing with some minor health stuff lately, too. The hormonal swings make me manic depressive but it seems I have to be back on my meds. I think my health is also fueling my struggle with being childless because it's really not looking good for me to be able to have children. I hope that's not the case but it's something I have to think about.

That's about all that's new. Not much. Looking forward to small group sign up this Friday and am hoping it won't be overwhelming for me with school and everything else. When I get tired and worn out I tend to make very stupid life decisions.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh and I sang karaoke at the State Fair! and people came up to me on the street later and told me how good I was so there's my affirmation :)

ok..back to work

An Answered Prayer......well sort of

2008-08-07T11:37:00.002-05:00

So this morning I prayed before I left for work that God would make the day go by swiftly but at the same time make it a long work day because I need more hours yet have little to do in the afternoons.

I get to work this morning--- no paperwork and no attachements on the e-mails.
So I ask my boss if I can drive down to Inver Grove Heights from New Brighton to pick up the paperwork since they told me it would be 10 o' clock by the time they got up here. He gave me the ok.

It was a beautiful morning for a drive- despite all the idiots on the roads. That killed about an hour and a half of time. My paperwork is in chaos. One of the guys at Cut Fruit is on vacation in Alaska and I heard the awful news that his brother died up there yesterday. Apparently he had a seizure and drowned in the bathtub. The Trone family could use a lot of prayer.

Now I'm left with 1/2 the paperwork I need, am still waiting for the other stuff to be e-mailed and faxed and I feel like I might never get out of here today. So I guess it's an answer to prayer.

I've been kind of melancholy this week. Been thinking about Christopher a bit....still now able to fully grasp it's been almst 4 months since he died. I've also just been thinking of life things- how things will change in my family when my sister gets married, what I'll say in the speech, how school will go this fall, wondering if I'm ever going to have a family of my own someday, and yet I'm also so anxious to go to church tomorrow night and worship God.

I really wanted to go last Friday except I had to drive to Hibbing. I really can't wait!!!

A Little Bit of Pampering

2008-08-05T12:44:00.002-05:00

So re-reading my blogs after I post them makes me realize how non-sensical they seem. Someday I might have more than 10 minutes to write.

Hard to believe my sister's wedding is next Saturday already. It still all seems surreal. I'd hoped our downstairs bathroom would've been done by now. When I left for Hibbing it looked like it was, when I came home the tile was all ripped up in the shower again and the pieces were in the trash.

We have 3 houseguests arriving next week. It would be nice to have 2 bathrooms for the 6 fo us....and to get my room put back together so I can pull out the hide-a-bed.

I'm looking forward to seeing my relatives- especially those from British Colombia. I was supposed to move out there this year, but this wedding got in the way of that which actually turned out to be a blessing because it was the motivation I needed to get my butt back in school and work on my masters degree.

Once I'm a nurse, finding a job won't be the issue I've been facing in moving either.

Tonight I'm taking mom to get her hair highlighted and myself am having a spa manicure, facial, and brow wax. Good thing about the facial, too as all the evaporating grease that hit my face working mini donuts is starting to emerge in the form of zits- today I have a nice one right on the very tip of my nose.

I've also got a nice 3rd degree burn on my left forearm and a 3 inch scratch across my right hand. Really I don't care how I look in general but I would like to look nice for the wedding to contribute to my sister's "perfect day".

Unfortunately I am already predisposed to be spiteful towards the photographers. My sister just had to have this one place do them and they're dictating how the wedding is to go.

Here's the scenario:
Photographer: The cost is $5000.00 for 2 people and we have to start pictures at 11. You will have to see your fiancee before the ceremony so we'll give you 5 minutes alone together.

Oh and we EXPECT that there will be 2 place settings for us for dinner. We will be leaving by 7pm even though the dance doesn't start 'til 8.

KT: What do we get for that $5000???

Photographer: 2 CDs but any print you want you'll have to go somewhere else and pay extra.

Me: 5 Grand????!!! Are you out of your F$%^$King mind???? I have friends that would do it for $500!!!

KT: Too late we already signed the contract and paid them.

Me: (slaps hand on forehead and walks away in disgust)

I sure hope I don't spend $30K on my wedding. I love my sister but she's so naive about so many things and excpets to live like a millionaire on a elementary school teacher's salary.

I still have no idea what to say in my maid-of-honor's speech. I don't even want to give a speech. I have no fond memories of growing up together.....we downright hated each other.
I have nothing to say except "thank God it's over! Let's just get on with normal life shall we??"

Yes it's all very selfish and I'm trying to be supportive but the expectations are so high. Does no one realize that I still have my own life to live???? I don't have 3 months off this summer and unlimited funds to cater to her every whim like she and my parents' expcet me to. I have plans of my own that are all scheduled around this thing- some of these plans having been set before they were even engaged.....

I just need a little venting here.

One thing about a little pampering though, it makes you forget all your troubles - for about 2 hours anyway. :)

Pictures from Summer Adventures

2008-08-04T10:53:00.019-05:00

It's starting to get crazy and the next 3 weeks will be even crazier with my sister's wedding just 12 days away.

Here are some pictures from my last 2 weekends. I'm still working on the camping trip pics.
2 weekend ago I was at Mille Lacs with my friend Mike to just get in some fishing and 4-wheeling and just chill now that I've finished summer classes:

This is the biggest fish caught this year. It was rather choppy out on the water. I'd pity anyone with seasickness to be out that weekend but it was still fun.

I coudn't find my riding glasses and the trails were pretty dusty. Once I took off my sunglasses in the liqour store I got some strange looks and you can't see it in this pic but I was covered in mud and caked with dust.... awesome!

The great thing about Mille Lacs are the faboulous sunsets.

This past weekend I worked with my uncle once again in his mini-donut truck at the St Louis country fair in Chisholm, MN.

For those who don't know where that is, it's about 220 miles northwest next to Hibbing.

After working 40 1/2 hours at my regular job, I put in 31 1/2 hours working mini donuts for a total of 72 hours last week. Needless to say I'm a little tired today.

This was my life for those weekend hours:

My cousin Jenna was also there. For some reason we lost our hotel room Saturday so Jenna was sent home Saturday night and since Troy's nieces live in Hibbing I was able to stay with them.

They're so great and I always love the opportunity to spend time with them.

Oddly enough when I go to the State Fair, I have to have all hte greasy crappy food, but when working a fair and that's all I have to eat for the weekend, I find no appeal in the food whatsoever- except in the chicken strips this one guy sells with this awesome honey mustard sauce- and white cheese curds.....but that's it. I don't even eat the free mini donuts.

So staring at these all weekend didn't tempt or phase me. :)

As far as other life stuff, everything just seems on hold. The Troy B thing's still running around in my head but in my heart I've resolved it to be no.

It just seems like the people I want to be close to are distant and the ones I want to be distant from are close and I feel there's just no time to work on these things right now.....nor do I know how to work on them other than praying but it takes more than that.

All I do know is I'm tired thru and thru and I still need a big change in my life.

I sure hope I get into nursing school on the first try.

Mixed Up Tuesday

2008-07-22T14:11:00.003-05:00

Here's a bunch of random stuff running around in my head:

I heart Catherine Tate!

Catherine Tate is a British actress/comedienne. If you've never caught any of the last season of Doctor Who or seen "The Catherine Tate Show" there are a bunch of clips on youtube.
I highly recommend starting with "Lauren Cooper" or the "Translation" videos, but there's also Derrick, the Aga Saga woman, Ginger, and the "Im not drunk enough" clip.

She's a phenomenal actress and I can't get enough of her. There- I finally have a woman crush :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I went to dinner and a drink with ex-boyfriend Troy.....not to be confused with best friend Troy who's also an ex-boyfriend (TroyVolta).
Troy B expresses his wish to get back together after 7 years of on again off again. Now that he's turned 40 he's realized it's time to settle down- again. (His ex-wife cheated on him).

It should be a straightforward "NO" on my part......not just because of his lifestyle which includes lots of drinking or because deep down I just don't think he's for me, but after a long conversation with my family prior to going out on why I'm still single and can't seem to meet anyone- at least anyone who's interested in me AND who I'm interested in......well it was difficult to give that resounding NO to Troy.

I've actually been considering it all day. I've been alone for so long and am so tired.....part of me just wants to say yes, settle down and be done with it and yet do I really want to "settle"?

This issue just seems to keep coming up and I keep going back to him..... he has mellowed quite a bit since I've known him but I just don't know that I'll be truly happy deep down.
I'd have security, I'd have tons of connections, parties, fancy dinners, fancy cars, fancy friends and live the high life. I'd be able to travel anywhere. I'd have so many doors opened up.....but Troy's not really interested in having another kid.....though he might consent to 1.

I'm sure I'd love his 2 girls but they're tweens already.

He's got obligations to them and is pretty much non-existent in the summers- the trade off for having 5 months off a year........

He wouldn't be into camping, or hiking, or canoeing, or bowling or karaoke or actually playing sports.....except golf which isn't my forte.

There's so many things I could have but so many things I'd have to give up on..... but I don't want to lead him on so I suppose I should come to a decision soon.

This shouldn't be a hard choice----so why is it???????

Maybe it's because in my heart I know that my best friend Troy is the one for me but he'll never change and go back to women.... I feel like my one opportunity was lost and now I just have to make do...... Troy B's been in my life for 7 years so I don't have to start from scratch. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me- words I don't hear from anyone else.

However, I don't think I'll ever be able to feel as comfortable and unsettled( in a good way) as I do with my TroyVolta.....and he and I unfortunately will never be.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
On a lighter note, camping trip 2008 was a success. We had fun- though a bit tamer than usual.
For the most part the weather held up and we saw us a big cave.

Hopefully I'll have time to post pics soon.

Let The Good Times Roll.........!

2008-07-18T08:59:00.002-05:00

It's over..........

I mean- it's really, finally over. 9 weeks of adrenaline rushing, sleepless nights and hours of lectures; 100 cups of Caribou mochas and a few more friends made in the world.

School's out for summer!

The finals were not as difficult as they could've been. I was actually shocked that the class average was 80%. On my lecture test which was the biggest I scored 100/100. On the lab test I scored 40/40. As far as lecture tests go, that ws my highest and according to the website, only 1 student scored 100% or better...... 1?! And that was me?????

I'm so thrilled I managed to get another "A". Now I can maybe get some sleep at night for the next 5 weeks until I start fall semester.

Today I leave for the summer camping trip. I had 4 hours of sleep last night and the night before, feel like I'm completely unprepared even though my car is stuffed with crap, and there's about 3 hours worth of driving ahead of me after working a full day but I'm soooooo excited!!!!!

Tonight a good night's sleep is in order then tomorrow it's tubing down the St Croix with a little alcohol to help float me along.

Kabobs, s'mores, hobo dinners, shortcakes, doritos are all being looked forward to....mmmmmm

Now I just have to get these bachelorette invitations done. I'm so unproductive today. :)

This Can't Be July

2008-07-16T08:52:00.005-05:00

Is it really mid-July already???? Wow is this summer ever going fast!
It also can't be July because every one in the office is getting sick. Many in my little department have coughs, have lost their voices and I want no part of it! Summer's too short to be sick.

Tomorrow is finals day......which means today is intensove study day. I've got to put in an extra study class tonight and cram, cram some more.

I'm bummed that I can't get the class I wan't next semester. I can't even register until Monday. I'll have to seriously pray about it. I went to my boss this week with my proposal to work from school on the days I have class this fall.

My company is very resistant to change so we'll see if that flies, but really there's no reason I can't.

My job consists of doing the paperwork between companies for our offsite division. It just so happens that my school is very close to that off site division---which is on the other side of the metro area.

Rather than commute from St. Paul to New Brighton to Inver Grove Heights, back to New Brighton and back to St. Paul I think it would be easier to go St Paul to IGH to New Brighton then back to St Paul......just do a loop.

I'll have to pray that works out with management.

This weekend is the annual camping trip with the Sluiters. This year's extra guest is Lucas. We're always looking for more campers but it's hard to get other people involved when everyone's got different schedules and we don't want to make it HUGE.

Can't wait to see what the caves look like in Harmony!
Hopefully I'll have some great pics come Monday :)

Another One Bites the Dust

2008-07-14T11:14:00.006-05:00

Yesterday was the 3rd and final shower I attended for my sister's upcoming nuptuals.
This one was given by her soon to be in-law family, the Ruebs.

Here are a few pics:

Me and my sis

The showing of the Jr bridesmaid dresses.

Katie behind her mountain of presents

Both of our Grandmas

No More photos!

The End of the Tunnel

2008-07-11T10:50:00.003-05:00

One more big test down, 2 more to go.
I scored 96% on yesterday's test which is 2 wrong. I thought I did better but it will do.

Then next 6 days I'll be studying like crazy and lying even lower than I have been for the final which is about 1/3 of my grade. I also have 2 papers to finish by Tuesday.

So if I seem off, anti-social or incoherent you know why. I've been making stupid little mistakes with every day things lately, probably because my brain's trying to compensate and put the info somewhere which means other things get pushed aside.

I can't say how much I'm looking forward to next week's camping trip!

Also I'm looking forward to this weekend being the last of the bridal showers I have to attend. I just have to finish getting the bachelorette party planned and invites out, get my dress altered and I can sit back and relax until August and start enjoying the summer.

I regret to say I never finished my garden and it's suffered from lack of water due to my inattention. But it still looks mostly nice in the back.

My room will be under construction for awhile and I'm hoping once school is done I can start working on the house and getting some projects done before we take on house guests for the wedding. We're definitely going to need our 2 bathrooms then.

I think tonight after church I definitely need to go out and party. Maybe some karaoke is in order. It's been months since I've been out for it.

Great Weekend Wishes To All!

And Then There Were Three....

2008-07-09T09:05:00.002-05:00

One more class down.......

You can really feel the energy has been sucked out of our classroom. Kari, one of my fellow classmates, noted that yesterday and it's true. We're all dreaming of next Thursday night when this thing will be over.

It's fun, it's exciting to learn about the body, but it's so intense.....though probably not as intense as it could be since they dumb it down a bit for a 7 week summer session.

Last night was the muscle practical. I was rather worried about this one but turns out I got 40 out of 40. No extra credit apparently. I was thrown on those questions where it asked what certain muscles actually DO. I was just happy I could remember the names and where they went....nevermind what they do. :) Tomorrow is the next big lecture test on the nervous system and the special senses.

In other news, my bedroom is being ripped apart this week as the leak was discovered as coming from the shower in the bathroom. The entire wall is full of mold as well as the carpet so sometime, somehow I have to move my bed out of there. I'm sleeping on an air matress in the upstairs spare room which is the smallest room in the house. (My borther didn't like the whole living room arrangement) so who knows when I'll get my room back.
Fortunately for now I don't have much time to really worry about it. Maybe I'll be able to convince my brother to rip all the hideous paneling down and just paint the room.

I think instead of carpet ot would be nice to get some cool marble tile or something and just have an area rug so not as much moisture would accumulate. We bought a big dehumidifier but my brother doesn't grasp the concept that the windows need to be closed in order for it to work.

I feel bad all this is happening- espceially since he just spent a large sum of $ to get all new windows in the house, fis the roof and rewire the eletrical.

Now that I'll be forced to use the upstairs bathroom I think I'm going to push to redo that as well..... something I'll probably do on my own and with my own $.

It seems like so long from now but I'm still super psyched about the upcoming camping trip next weekend to LaCrosse/Harmony. Looks like our friend Lucas will be joining us and maybe Kurt as well.

.....also gotta get cracking on planning my sister's bachelorette party which is coming up fast.
I've got a theme: the naughty school girl -since she's a teacher. Beyond that I don't know what I'm going to do with it though.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

the only downside is one of the party is only 19 so we can't go to any bars.....beyond the bowling alley of course.

Post 4th of July Musings

2008-07-08T06:17:00.002-05:00

The summer's almost halfway over already.... Holy Crap!
My wedding diet has so far been dismally unsuccessful. I think with the stress of being in school and not being on a regular schedule along with all the other crap and a very inactive life sitting behind a desk all day and in a classroom all night - well I may have gained a few pounds.

This past weekend I was at our family's cabin in Richmond, MN. The weather was absolutely perfect. I bought a cheap inflatable raft and rowed around the lake. I got to try out my brand new tent and airmattress and decided I could live in there during the summer.

I didn't handle being around so many people that well though so I came back Saturday afternoon. My best friend Troy made tacos for dinner, we went for a motorcycle ride then I was introduced to "The Bourne Identity" and "The Bourne Supremacy".
Now I'll have to watch the last one.

Sunday I spent most of the day at a Caribou in Brooklyn Park studying before meeting my friends Keith and Craig (along with a friend of Craig's) to watch the 3 part season finale of Doctor Who..... Awesome. Totally awesome is all I can say, though I will desperately miss Catherine Tate.

I got a letter from Christopher's mom with some pictures she found in his things. One of them I already have but the other I'd forgotten about- featuring myself, Chris and 2 of his uncles who I'm very close to. I still have to make the albums for his daughters but it's been difficult to look at the pictures. Guess I'm still processing. It still doesn't feel real that he's gone. Every time I think about it I just start crying.

In other news, when I came home from the lake this last weekend, I noticed something along the wall by my bed that I thought was candle wax at first. I knew there had been a party at the house while I was away and wondered if anyone intruded in my room until I realized it was mushrooms! Yes ACTUAL MUSHROOMS growing out of my carpet!!!!! I was going to take a picture but by the time I got back home my brother had already cleaned them up.

We've been having a problem with water leaking into my room and haven't been able to lock down the source of the leak yet. But since my room's got issues now I took to sleeping in the living room upstairs last night. My air matress is super comfy but it literally does take up the whole living room. It's wall-to-wall with the couches so it's one room full of bed.

Next week is my last week of class- yay- then the big camping trip. I've got 4 intensive tests left starting with my muscle practical today.

That's about it for this girl- and it's enough.

One More Shower Down....

2008-06-30T11:38:00.002-05:00

Not much is going on in my social life still.
I'm enjoying not having to study every free moment I have, and to have taken the weekend off completely.

Here's how the weekend went:

Friday, went to the Rock. Kim came back!
Ended up meeting a friend at the Grand 7 for a drink. He knows the owners so we went with them to Mancini's where he knows the Mancini's as well. My friend and I danced and were repeatedly bought drinks by the Mancinis. I had to refuse some of them.....just can't drink like that anymore, but it was fun.

Saturday got up early to work, then went to Hugo for yet another one of my sister's wedding showers. This one was one that I had organized and was co-ed. There weren't that many people there- mostly our families- and the weather wasn't that great but that was great for me because it was over in 2 hours.

I had enough time for a 20 minute nap before meeting my best friend Troy for dinner. I waiting at his work for about an hour for him to finish. I took a little nap in my car and also talked to one of his co-workers for a long time.
Troy ended up delivering a motorcycle to a customer's house so while he did that, I crawled into his bed to take a nap again. He let me sleep for a couple hours.

We finally headed out to dinner about 8pm. We pulled into the lot at Timberlodge in West St. Paul where I'd taken him not 4 weeks ago. The place was shut down!!!!

So we went to the Cherokee Room....which was still good but I'd rather have gone to Timberlodge. We both had prime rib......had been awhile since I'd had it. Yummy. :)

After that, we drove around a bit, then took about a 3 hour walk thru South St. Paul. We walked every street in the neighborhood he grew up in. Walked the grounds of his high school and junior high while he wold me stories about growing up.
We stopped at DQ for some ice cream, then at this hole-in-the-wall bar the PNA which is a side by side house. you'd never know it was a bar!

It was a great night.

Yesterday I slept in 'til almost noon. Troy didn't feel like getting together so I took my new tent out and figured out how to put it up. Turk, my dog, seemed to like being inside it.
I couldn't find my air-pump at home so I bought an new one along with some new sheets for my new airmatress. I've spent way TOOOOO much money on this camping gear this year but it'll last me forever.

Last night my friend Mike and I went out for his b-day. We say "Get Smart" which was kind of slow but I enjoyed it. Then we hit Sgt. Pepper's for dinner.

Now it's just 4 intense days of work and school and studying before relaxing at the lake. Can't wait! .......

Slight Discouragement

2008-06-27T09:51:00.002-05:00

Good news:

My developmental Psych class is over and although I didn't do so great on the last test it didn't count so I still ended up with an "A" for the class.

This week was a difficult and unsettling one in my Anatomy and Physiology class. Tuesday we had our second lecture exam and our teacher wasn't there due to a family emergency. We took the test and I felt confident. The great thing is that after taking the test, we get to take it again in groups.

Even in the group, we all agreed on the answers and they were all the answers I had chosen originally. I felt so confident I aced it. So this morning I check my grade.......... 82%.

WTF???!!

I've been mulling it over in my mind, thinking about the 2 questions I was slightly unsure of but even if I'd gotten them both wrong I'd still be at 96%.
How could I get 82%??? Of course i'm not perfect but I was so sure- everything seemed so clear.
So that's been pretty discouraging today.
Last night we had our lab test on bones. With our teach being out Tuesday, we didn't have lab which really was a disadvantage.

I'm not very confident about my lab exam and hope that I did fairly well to make up for the lecture exam. This had just been an off week for me.

I'm exhausted, not only from school full time at night, but from also working full time (some of my workdays are 10+ hours to adjust for the shorter hours I have to do on early school days). I'm also tired from weekends of having wedding showers and other events.

To top it off, I find out my sister's not very happy with me because I'm not devotiong more time to her and in elaborately planning parties-- with themes and whatever other people are doing for their friends.
I guess me freeing up 6 weekends of my summer to accomodate her and be at all her parties and plan half of them with very little help from her wasn't enough.

6 weekends- that's half the weekends in a summer.

Yet when I was trying to explain it, well my mom seems to understand, but my dad thinks I'm not being considerate of my sister...because it's "something she's only going to do once in her life".

Gee that's great. Not only is this a wedding day for them---- it's a fricking wedding YEAR! This whole year has been nothing but talk of this wedding.

Who cares that I turned 30? Who cares that there are any other events going on.....like my cousin who just got married. I really don't want to even be around this wedding because it makes me feel like crap that the one thing I want most- to settle down- looks like it will never happen. I can't even get a friggin date. I'm so scared of even entering into a relationship having had 2 boyfriends die, one take advantage of me, and one turn gay.

Nope, it's all about my sister. And yeah I'm happy for them and I want to give them time and attention. I'm honored to be the maid of honor but I can only stretch so far and it just hurts when I give my best and it's not good enough.

That's always been my biggest neurosis---- never feeling like I measure up and I suffer a massive ego complex to compensate for it. I'm overly competitive and hard on myself and always have to outdo everyone just to feel worthy of existing.

That's so not right but that's how I feel.

Wow, didn't mean to totally unload like that but think I needed it. .......

I'm just tired and very emotional. I'm almost overwhelmed but I hope things will settle down again soon.

These last few days it's been hard not to look back on the last 10 years and think so many good things happened then, but not much is really exciting in my life now. No dating, no partying or much friend time....I know there will be rewards from my efforts.......just gets to me that I have yet another mountain to climb sometimes.

The Home Stretch

2008-06-23T07:45:00.002-05:00

This is my last full week of classes for the summer- woo hoo!

I'm looking forward to being able to breathe again during the week, especially now that summer has decided to show itself.

As usual, things are booking up fast. There's something going on every weekend until September now. I'm really looking forward to going back up to the lake for 4th of July weekend and to try out my new camping equipment up there before the trip in the 18th.

Last night I went out and bought a new tent. I've been hesitant to buy one since my other one's still good- just needs a little stitching up, but I got a bigger one- one where I can actually stand up inside.

In case of bigger camping events, this tent sleeps 4-6, unlike my other one that sleeps 2-3. I debated twice at the store whether I wanted a new backpacking tent or this bigger tent. The bigger one, won.

I also bought a double high queen size mattress to put in the tent. Now I'm all for roughing it as much as possible when camping; that's what it's all about, but it seems that in my 30s I have to upgrade. Maybe this is why old people canter around in 5th wheel trailers when they "camp". Will I be like that one day????

I'm still psyched about our camping trip to Harmony, MN this year. For now it seems our campground is under water due to the flooding rivers so we're waiting that one out. Hope it works out though.

Valleyfair looks like it might be a go this year. Haven't been on rides in a few years.

Speaking of rides though, yesterday I found out Troy's sister's fiancee bought a brand new Yamaha V-Star motorcycle......like the exact same one I wanted to get. He doesn't have his license yet so has been encouraging Troy to ride it. So yesterday I finally got to go for a ride! It had been too long....and I was scared to death (and it's not a Goldwing which feels safer) but it was exhilirating.

I could write more about stuff that's happening but I've got to cut this short. Lots of work to get done before I head of to class. There' s a test every day this week.

But one more thing.......after many years of trying to get my former co-worker to come to the Rock, she finally came last Friday and really liked it. She wants to go again this Friday so please pray that she does make it again. She's notorious for saying she'll be somewhere and not show up. She's going through some stuff and really is hungry for God I believe.

Overload = Mini-Break

2008-06-13T07:07:00.002-05:00

So I'm little more than halfway through my summer classes, and you know what? My brain hurts.
No, it literally hurts. i've been plagued with headaches all week and it can only be from all the information I'm trying to cram into it in a short time.

You know what that means?
V A C A T I O N~!

I'm excited to be going to the lake this weekend to- well to study hard actually but at least I'll be more immersed in nature.

So far both classes are going well and I'm at A-level in both.

One thing about being back in school I did not expect is that:
1. I'm having a hard time getting to sleep because of increased caffeine intake and racing thoughts.

2. I keep having the strangest dreams.....many of which are about school and I'm memorozing things. Seriously, I went over and over my rat dissection in a dream just to remember all the parts.

Last night I dreamt about tissue slides and kept repeating them over and over to memorize them.... which I really hope works 'cuz I've got a histology practical coming up on Tuesday.

But also, I've been dreaming about my friends and about work. It's odd that I almost never dream about any of my family members. It's mostly friends- friends from church......guess I know where my heart lies....

More disturbingly though, last night I had a rather unsettling dream about T.L. and that he didn't turn out like I expected. I reasoned "in my dream" that I was more in love with the idealization I created of T.L. than the person himself. This could be true since in actuality I don't know T.L. very well as much as I would like to.

Maybe it was just a sub-conscious reaction to that I saw T.L. at church last week and kind of waved at him but it was like he didn't even see me.

I've been struggling with -not necessarily lonliness- more just in being alone. Guess I'm too busy to think about being lonely, but my mind and everything about me never fails to notice that I am all alone.
(I mean in the physical sense here because if I didn't think God was there I'd be in a very sad place).

I'm not depressed about it. I still REALLY fancy T.L. but such is my yearning I know it's probably not healthy for me. I think I'm arriving at a place where I either need to get serious and really go after settling down, or stay serious on a career track and I think for now I'm content on the career track.

It still makes me feel lonely. But what else can I do? ....maybe not blog at 6am when I'm still half asleep. Then I might be able to make more sense. :)

So for now, it's time to get through this work day so I can enjoy my full on weekend mini-break.
And if anyone does read my blog and attend the Rock, and sees T.L. tonight (or any Friday) maybe you can play matchmaker for us and help me see if there's any interest on his side, or help me see if I'm just deluding myself.

Happy Friday!

Neo-College Life

2008-06-05T08:11:00.002-05:00

You can tell you're back in college when you start oversleeping, over eating -especially junk food and look down at your shirt in the break rook at work to realize it's on inside out and backwards.

It's been an adjustment going back to school. Granted I'm only taking 2 classes which are super accelerated; cramming an entire semester into 6 weeks, but with working full time and increasing job demands as well I'm starting to feel a little pressured.

So far God's arranged it where I've been able to ease back in to the rigors of school like attention span, study habits, etc. One class I'm halfway thru while the other one I've just started this week. After today I'll only have 3 more weeks of both classes together then I'll just have one class for another 3 weeks.

It's been challenging trying to get Monday's homework and reading done for Wednesday when I'm in class all night Tuesday and likewise for Getting Tuesday's homework done for Thursday when I'm in class all night Wednesday.

Thank God for WEEKENDS!
So anyone who reads this and happens to see me and maybe notices I'm a little abrupt and short with people this month.....this is why. I've got tons fo information to assimilate very quickly and my brain is struggling enough with just that. Forget social niceties.

I don't mean to be irritable but really, for the most part I'm just not aware of it.
Hopefully this will all be worth it and I'll get into nursing school.

The Nosy Neighbor

2008-05-19T09:23:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had one of those neighbors who complains about EVERYTHING?
I know Kevin has but it seems now so do I.

There is this older lady, and who knows who else, who lives behind my borther's house where I now reside. Last night after a long, grueling day of yard work and planting flowers, my brother decided to try out his new fire pit. I told him not to put it on the deck at least but he was determined to try it out on the deck. The deck was wet, there was no wind, no ash, no smoke-or very little, and 3 people standing around watching it next to a hose.

The fire hadn't even been going 5 minutes when this lady popped her head over the fence and started yelling at us saying we're wrong, that we have to have a permit, this and that and the other.

My brother tried to be calm and sensisble and it was I who went off hte deep end. I could've been much meaner but I told her to go back home and mind her business as well as call her a bitch quite a few times.

Now usually I have a very ling fuse and don't talk back to people.
Maybe it's my repressed anger, or my anger at the neighbor growing up who used to yell at me for walking in my own back yard, but America is land of the free and I feel that if I don't tell you how to live, you shouldn't tell me.

This was the second time I've dealt with this lady. The first was a few weeks ago while I was raking leaves and playing with my dog- who doesn't reside with me.
She came out yelling the she hates dogs that bark like that, she got the last people in our house to move, she's calling the police, etc.

The sad thing is, she actually does call the police, fire dept. etc.

So even though we knew we were in our rights last night, my borther called the fire departement to check the laws. We were right but they said that if she calls they have to come out and put the fire out anyway even though it's legal because we're basically at her mercy.

I know this lady does nothing but watch our house to see if we're living to her standards.
Where I live, I won't stand for this kind of harassment. I'm afraid I really might lose it and accidentally turn the hose on in her direction or throw dirt at her or something.
I know I'm better than that but my temper is getting the better of me.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Normally I'd just ignore her but it's hard to ignore city officials with sirens blaring when they show up, too.

The Clone War Has Begun

2008-05-15T06:24:00.005-05:00

Drunk 'Darth Vader' assaults 'Jedi leaders'

HOLYHEAD, Wales (AP) -- A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a black garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of Britain's first Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones -- a.k.a. Master Jonba Hehol -- with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.
He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones -- or Master Mormi Hehol -- bruising his thigh, in the March 25 incident.
Unfortunately for Hughes, the incident was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.
"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.
Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the best part of a 10-liter (two-and-half-gallon) box of wine beforehand.

"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.
District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year.
He also ordered Hughes to pay £100 ($195) to each of his victims and £60 ($117) in court costs.
Barney Jones, his brother Daniel and cousin Michael set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. It claims about 30 members.
Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 people -- 0.7 percent of the population -- listed Jedi as their religion.

WOW.... I think this article pretty much speaks for itself. I couldn't help but laugh at this guy beating up Jedi Masters with a metal crutch while the Jedi were going to film themselves in a lightsaber duel. Where wre the lightsabers? Who forgot how to use the force? After drinking 2 1/2 gallons of wine you'd think Darth Vader would be a little too inebriated to take on himself let alone Jedi masters.

I think this is totally a Rock TV in the making.

Also, sadly, it just shows how much the world needs God and how people will turn to anything to fill that void within themselves rather than the one who created them.

Thursday Chick BIts

2008-05-08T07:21:00.002-05:00

Goobye bowling, hello college!
It's true I feel naked without bowling summer league this year. Unfortunately in order to apply to nursing school in January I have 4 classes to complete by December- one of them being 2 semesters.

In addition, my vacation to British Colombia is now cancelled due to school conflicts. I sure hope this is all worth it and that I do get in to nursing school. It's highly competitive.

Not much else going on.
My 30th birthday approaches and soon after the big party. Still haven't had the $ for new karaoke CDs but I pray God comes thru on that.

Looking forward to the openings of the new Indiana Jones movie and the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

My sister's wedding is rapidly appraoching and next weekend is the first of about 5 parties she's having beforehand.

I FINALLY found a new place to sing karaoke that I Love! Now twice a week I've been going to Neville's in St. Paul. It's nice that it's not on the same night as church. i do miss hanging with my friends at Hoover's but I've gotta go where it feels right.

On the plus side, I've been able to do more sketching since I bring it with me to karaoke and sit by myself- I don't mind.

So begins the wild rollercoaster ride of the summer!

One of Those Kind of Days

2008-05-01T08:28:00.002-05:00

You know it's going to be one of those days that you wish you never got out of bed when you wake up later than you want.

Then you go out to the car to find a bird must've sat above it in the wee hours of the morning because it's covered every where in dookie, you notice the driver's side door isn't shut tightly.

Sure the other 3 doors were locked and it was pulled up to the house, but the glove compartment was open, and I swore some change was missing but it looked like nothing had been taken except of course ALL my karaoke CDs that were in the back seat.

The regular CDs were still by the CD player and in the compartent between the seats.
Who steals karaoke CDs??? I'm pretty upset about it.

I get to work, spill coffee on myself- fortunately I'm wearing all black- the paperwork I should have either hasn't been done or is incomplete.

UUUUUUURRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!
I just feel like screaming and going on some kind of rampage. My eyes won't stay open, can't concentrate and now I'm crabby!

Sorry for my tirade, just feeling the weight of life pressing in hard on me today.

Life As Usual

2008-04-24T12:23:00.003-05:00

It's been a week now since I learned about Christopher's death. In ways I didn't take it as hard as I thought. We'd talked about death--and how he'd be attending my funeral--. I guess part of me is still in a state of shock, but mostly I'm just grieving silently.

Having gone through this before I think has made it a bit easier as well.

Life is returning to the normal daily routine.......trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but mostly trying to avoid the thought that I'm stuck in this world.

I have 1 month and 1 day left of my 20s then they'll be gone forever---and yes they were fun!

Class starts in a few weeks and that will occupy most of my free time. I'm looking forward to the BBQ I'm hosting next month, and looking forward to getting out of town as much as I can this summer starting with a week in British Columbia in June.

These last few days I've gone through all my pictures- pulling all I can find of Chris so I can make phoa albums for his daughters. I bought them all lockets with Chris' picture in them.

I've been sketching which I haven't done in a very, very long time.
I've hung out with my best friend Troy more this last week, and spent more time with my family.

So far, I've raked up 22 HUGE bags of leaves from our back yard and moved a large woodpile to another part of the yard......and that's just getting started. My legs and ankles throb....a little less every day though.

Every night I watch a different episode of Doctor Who which I never seem to tire of.

This Sunday will be my last day of bowling for possibly quite some time. My brother Robbie and I are in 2nd place and roll off aginst the 1st place team. We need to win both games to win the league again.
Even with many teams gunning for us and many having their career games against us, we've done very well this year.

Beyond that not much is happening. Just taking things a day at a time, trying to come out of my hermitess state and interact with people more. Trying to make it to church more.

Still single, and still ok with it. I miss being in love and I miss the guys I once loved but I don't miss the misery and being used. I still hope to have kids and be a wife someday.
I find I still have a rather big crush on one of my freinds from church- guess I didn't think it was as much of a crush until I dreamt about him last night....who I'll only give the initials for (T.L.)

For now, I'm not dwelling on it though. I'm not expecting anything. I'm not looking for anything. I'm back on my own 2 feet and want to see how it is for a bit before getting swept off them again.

My parents bought a 6 person hot tub last week. That will be nice for future gatherings, but it's kind of awkward now that every time I go over there every family member asks me if I'm going to go in the hot tub.....like it's expected of me to go in on every visit now.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel rather awkward sitting in a hot tub with my father and having my mother sit on the steps above us and it's just awkward silence.
I'm not close to my dad and I find every conversation awkward or infuriating as he tries to control my life and disagrees with all of my decisions which he then pursues to lecture me on.

But I digress........

I think another week of processing and grieving will be good and by then the snowball effect of summer will take hold and before I'll know it, it will be September and who knows where life will be.

I just hope it's a wild fun ride this year.

Christopher Stephen Aguirre 7/13/68 -- 4/15/08

2008-04-18T07:42:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I received the sad news that one of my dear friends/ ex-boyfriend was found dead Tuesday of an apparent drug overdose.

Chris (Chumba) and I met nearly 7 years ago while I worked as a bartender/waitress at Sun Ray bowling alley. Since I'm terrible with names at first I only remembered him as the guy who came in every Tuesday, have me a hard time (jokingly) and always complimented me on my smile. He tried every chance he could to get me to smile.

Soon after we dated as he was going through the final stages of his divorce. It was a meesed up time in both our lives but he always said I was the one for him.......he would go on to say this up until last year.

Chris comes from a large family to who I am very close. He leaves behind 4 daughters;

Brooke 11 yrs
Bailey 9 years
Brynn 8 years

and Tatum 2 months.

Chris was a very charismatic guy who struggled with depression at times but was almost always very happy and jovial in public. Though we fought intensely -especially when we lived together- he always found a way to make me laugh. This made me even angrier of course.

Despite our pitfalls and not being able to get along when spending regular time together, we always maintained our friendship. I even talked to him last Friday when we were planning to get together so I could meet his new baby.

His other daughters I love like my own.

There are so many memories.
This is the second boyfriend I've had depart this life before me.
My first boyfriend was killed by a drunk driver nearly 6 years ago.
Chris was my second boyfriend.
I've already advised my other 2 exes that they should start running now. :) just kidding.

It hurts. Like I said I'm close to the family and see them regularly. It hurts to think that the last 2 times I spoke with his uncle recently, he told me how much Chris still loved me and talked about me.

Chumba you will be dearly missed. Your smile, your deep calming voice, your vivacity and ability to be a leader.

Anyone who reads this, please pray for the Aguirre/Swanson families.

My Favorite Games to Play at Work

2008-04-04T14:46:00.002-05:00

One thing about having 12 years in at a company is one can become exceedingly efficient at one's job thereby freeing up- oh say a few hours of- afternoon time to see what games the world wide web has to offer.

I try to stick to simple games.

#1. Doctor Who trivia- brought to me by facebook.

I admit I was never really into the MySpace/Facebook phenonema for networking. However I love some of the applications. Since Doctor Who is my all time favorite show- one I never tire of watching and fantasize about constantly (to avoid the reality of actually being at work) it's quite addicting for me.

#2. Oregon Trail- also brought to me by facebook.

It's not quite the original that I learnt at 6 years old on the Apple II computer but it's got a few fun things. Medicine distribution is one. I just learnt to use it. I've been playing for weeks and everyone was daying in my wagon and I had all this medicine and didn't know how to use it.

Only on Oregon trail can you cannibalize your fellow wagon mates, challenge other wagons to duels, steal from wagons, write epitaphs for your friends and have your friends just finally die, die of excessive diarrhea, or be left to die due to bad body odor.

Oh the humanity!!!!

#3. Blogthings.

I love taking senseless quizzes.

#4. Google Image search- yes that can be a game.

#5. commenting on blogs. Sometimes it's like a game.

#6. Minesweeper. This isn't an online game which can be good if your online time is limited, monitored or inaccessible.

#7. Solitaire.
This was once a major game for me, but I prefer real live cards to the computer version and have way over played both.

#8. Hearts.
Hearts is my family's most competitive game......to the point we've had shirts and hats made that read "there can be only one" as we used to watch "The Highlander" while playing.
This could be a blog in itself, but when the family get together and plays, not only do we flick the lights on and off when a player is eliminated as symbolic of whacking them and taking their power, we also do the Klingon shun by standing up and turning our backs at the table when we see an unruly alliance forming between players.
I use all the computer practice I can get to work on strategies......but with my family- trying to strategize doesn't always work.

#9. Taking more senseless quizzes on Facebook.

#10. Playing the Dalek extermination game on the Doctor Who website.

The End of the Season

2008-04-03T08:37:00.002-05:00

Yet another bowling season comes to a close. I swear that each successive year passes more quickly.

This was the first year since I started bowling that my team hasn't been in the championship game. Although "Stayin' Alive" had the most pins scratch and with handicap, we were second to last in points. Every team decided to have their career games against us it seemed.

This years championship was played by "Lucky Strike" who lost to us in the championship last year, and "The 4 Horsemen" which is my brother's team.

In the end, Lucky Strike won by about 300 pins. It was a slaughter.

While the rest of us played no-tap, although I did have women's high game with a 212, my other 2 scores were lower in no-tap than they would've been in regular play. It was pretty pathetic, but it's over.

Tuesday will be our banquet and I won't see most of these people until next September.

There are still 4 more weeks of Red-Eye league left though, but even that's going by fast.
I think i'm ready for bowling season to be over though. I think I'm taking the summer off, but my class schedule will make the ultimate determination on that.

Right now, all I can think about is gardening and all the landscaping I want to do at my brother's house.

I'm so excited to have a yard again to work with and some great potential for climbling plants and vegetables.

It's So Discouraging.......

2008-03-31T09:24:00.002-05:00

I jut looked outside......... when I heard on the radio this morning that we wer esupposed to get a snow storm with up to 8" I thought they were kidding. I mean, the weekend was so nice. Almost all the snow was finally gone. I just cleaned off the patio yesterday.......

At the very least I thought it would be warm enough for rain.

Nope.

It's a frickin blizzard out there. The commute this afternoon is really going to SUCK!

This snow just makes me crabby......

Ain't It Great to be a Redneck?

2008-03-27T12:29:00.008-05:00

Ain't it great to be a redneck? Screw conventional means. Just Git-r-dun! YeeHaw!

I'm havin me a housewarmin' /sister's weddin reception barbecue. Wanna come? Check out this sweet grill:

No silly. This ain't my grill. I use this for heatin that hand dug pool in my yard.

This is my grill:

Yep. I just finished gettin that there sidin' put up. Took me 'bout 7 years to collect 'em all but a couple a my cousins in prison managed to help me out.
.....and most people say they can't afford their dreamhouse. I tell ya, I'm livin' in high style now.
Woo-ee!

When ya get there just come 'round the front and ring the door bell....

I shot and stuffed it myself. It's good luck to kiss it, too.

Oh and make sure you bring you own beer. That house sidin cost me a fortune so I can't make the home brew.
Hey, I hear if you go down to old man Johnson's place, you get a free farm cat with every case of beer.

Makes fer some fine target practice when we're drunk

oh yeah, and there'll be plenty a lawnmower parking so that's not a problem.

Just ain't my sister a blushin' bride???
My brother don't look too bad standing next to her neither.............

GIT-R-DUN!!!!!

This World is Seriously Messed Up

2008-03-26T10:19:00.002-05:00

It's been a slow day at work and as usual I've been reading the usual round of blogs.
Sometimes I wish I was more witty and funny with my own blog but whenever I inted to be, it turns out to be the opposite most of the time.
For wit and humor I generally need to play off someone else.

Today I read 2 very disturbing stories. Not like one can't read disturbing stories in the news every day but somehow reading through the blogosphere seems different. I read the blogs linked on my friends' blogs, and read their links and I find that every day I read about the lives of complete strangers to me yet I feel I know their lives and am connected to them because I read their joys and struggles every day.

So first disturbing story was from a blog by Rachel who goes by MayDay Girl. She's been struggling with infertility and had blogged about her process of going through failed adoptions and now through invitro fertilization. She's 26- which makes me feel old- but it's been a good story. She's just found out she's finally pregnant but has a log road ahead of her.

Stories like this are close to my heart because with all the feminine medical stuff I've gone through I wonder, nay worry about my own fertility. I used to be so paranoid that I'd get pregnant on the first try, but after not being so careful about 6 times in my life I didn't conceive. (And for my situation that's probably a good thing- and it was a while ago)

Anyway, Rachel posted 2 stories today. The first was about a guy who's pregnant!
Yes, this has indeed become a messed up world. This "guy" is actually a transgender; a woman who became a man but who got married to a woman and "he" decided he would carry their child.
This person really does look like a guy and I think how horribly messed up that is.

No I'm not insensitive but if you want to be a mom, be a woman. I feel so bad for that kid already and the confusion of that upbringing. I'm not here to judge but it doesn't take a genious to see that it's not cool to have that kind of family system. I would NEVER want my own child one day to be exposed to such a situation- at least as a child. I just hope it works out for them.

The other story was about another girl who underwent invitro and she was pregnant with twins. She was just over halfway there when yesterday she went into premature labor and delivered her twins who both subsequently died.
I couldn't imagine it......

It's one thing to be infertile. It's another to think you've overcome infertility and start letting yourself get excited and prepared and have it all snatched away.
It aroused a new fear in me. Should I one day get pregnant, I think I might live every day of the pregnancy in terror for all the things that could go wrong.

As the saying goes: "It's possible to do everything right and till lose".

Anyway, my heart goes out to all.
Hopefully there will be good news on the horizon.

Yesterday's bowling scores: 177, 163, 169- or something like that. Next week is the last week of Tuesday bowling already!!!

Post-Easter Chick Bits

2008-03-25T12:52:00.003-05:00

Easter has come and gone already. My relatives made a point to say that Easter won't be this early again for about 220 years.....so nothing I need ot worry about.

It just bums me out though that now there's no holiday in April- other than April fools day but that's not really celebrated anymore, is it?

The weekend passed with very little excitement. Saturday It snowed-again. I worked early in the morning, helped Deb move and went to Andover for the Lawrence celebrations.
--I got lost on the way there.
--No one wanted to do the egg hunt so we didn't have one.
--I had my first piece of meat in 6 1/2 weeks- a tiny piece of ham.
--After lunch I watched a Doctor Who episode and went to bed by 9.

Sunday I woke up at 8am- without an alarm!!! This idea to go to my old church popped in my head so I figured I'd better go. I met my mom, sis, and her fiance there.
After I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped at White Castle for some sliders and fries and brought them to my parents' where mom and I watched "Enchanted". (Dang catchy songs. Can't get them outta my head. Why Alan Menken? Why???!!!)

About 1 I got to the Fleischhacker celebration where I had another pice of ham. The sliders were wreaking havoc on my intestines. The cramps were so bad but nothing would come out.

Not feeling well and still tired I went home, cleaned the kitchen and finished watching Doctor Who- Inferno and was again in bed by 9.

Yesterday nerves were getting to me as the time for my biopsy got nearer. I remembered the dream I had the previous week that I'd forgotten to take Advil and the pain was excruciating. So I made darn sure I took 4 Advil on the way.
The procedure didn't take long. I've had it done twice before which I told the doc and she said "well not exactly like this".

I thought "um...What???!" She said the cells were further up my cervix so it might pinch just a bit more.

Um......WHAT???!!

But what I like about my doc is she talks through the whole thing so you don't let your mind roam in terror envisioning the worst possible scenarios.

One thing about this procedure is there's a mandatory pregnancy test. I'm like "Do I have to?"
Apparently I had to. I kicked myself for not remembering and having used the bathroom before I left work.
The doc and I talked about that- how one time she actually had to tell someone she couldn't do the procedure because they were pregnant. Talk about a way to find out.

Then I went on about how if my result was positive there would be some kind of immaculate conception going on......

Anyway, it was over fast. It pinched and cramped and was unpleasant but no lasting pain. Whew!
I hope the results are positive because I'd rather not have to be referred to an OB/GYN for further testing. I should know the next course of action by Friday.

And that's the excitement of my life...... I'm just stepping back from the world and from people for a little bit; must've been more burnt out than I thought and just need a long re-coup time.

Saturday I've got Bill's 40th to attend. Will see how I handle that social function.

Admittedly I'm feeling a little defeated in life. Like the realization that door of opportunity are starting to close and I'm getting older.
At 30 most people say I'm not old- because 30's like the new 13 or something- but I definitely don't feel 13 or even 21 anymore.

I feel like I'm always in some sort of transition and that if I settle down in one spot I might have stability but I'd also see the rest of the doors of opportunity closing on me.
Maybe that's why I needed to go to Easter Sunday service because that's exactly the topic that was preached. I'm still reflecting on that though.

Lately most days I feel like an old cat lady- except one who doesn't have cats :)
I feel very not-so put together. I seriously thought about buying a dog today so I'd have something more than plantsto take care of and something that would love me back.

I think loneliness might be starting to get to me but summer's almost here and maybe then I'll emerge from my hermitage.

Happy Tuesday!

GOOD FRIDAY

2008-03-21T13:20:00.007-05:00

Hard to believe Eater's this weekend. I'm excited that tomorrow I can eat meat :)
It was really, really tempting to get a crispy chicken sandwich at McDonald's today but I stuck with just fries.

For being Good Friday there's not much "good" about it. It's a snowy mess outside, and it's the anniversary of Christ's death.

Work is boring. I'm going to have to skip church tonight because I have too much to do before tomorrow. I really wanted to go tonight, too.

I'll be spending my night going to the grocery store then making sheesy potaoes for Easter at my uncle's tomorrow.

I'm actually kind of glad that "Rock Band" at my friend Ryan's was cancelled tonight. I don't want to be out or doing much driving.

Last night I decided to treat myself and get a manicure/pedicure. Before my appointment I had some time to kill so I went next door to Mi Familia mexican restaurant. It's about as authentic as you can get. I sat at the bar and had chips and salsa verde (love the verde!) and ate a quesadilla while sipping on a screwdriver.

The bartender must have mixed it extra good or something becuase after just one drink, I was bombed. I chatted up all the people sitting at the bar, plus the bartender and the manager.

The manager was Mexican so we carried on a conversation in Espanol.

I could barely feel my legs as I walked over to the Cosmetology School.

Alex was there.......he as usual greeted me like I didn't lose his number and be rude to him last time I saw him....... he's my Russian teacher's overly narcissistic son. He's got good manners but is an ass when you get to know him. But we were amiable....... I was amiable with everyone.

Carla did my nails. I'd never had her before. She was good. Didn't look 42 years old that's for sure. She was talking about quitting and had had a bad day but by the end of the night she'd said thank you to me so many times for being her client and was so glad to have met me. She said she believes every thing happens for a reason and that we were meant to meet.

I told her I'd probably have her do my foils next month when I go back to blonde.

We chatted so much, it took over 3 hours to get my nails done- but that's why I like going to the school vs an actual salon. Not only is it way cheaper, but I get worked on longer.....nothing better when you've got a whole night to yourself.

You go and sit in a room full of women and a few hours later you all know eachother's life stories and everyone's happy.....even better when I get to pick on Alex.

I also splurged yesterday on CDs. I'm going for a huge music collection because I can't stand when I hear a song or get one in my head and don't have it in my collection to listen to it over and over and over.

The only way to get a song out of my head is to listen to it for like a week straight and until I know it-every note-by heart and can sing it.

The songs from "Enchanted" are like that....even worse they're catchy. "Working Song", "How Does She Know" and "So Close" are in my head as well as "I'm Not Going" from "Dreamgirls".

It's worse when there are multiple songs stuck in my head. Fragments just keep repeating themselves over and over.

I also bought the "O Brother Where Art Thou" soundtrack to replace the one that was stolen. For got how good and down homy the music is.

Here are some pics of the cookies I made for the bowlers this week:

The Leprechauns came out looking a little stoned and I coudln't get the beards orange or textured enough but not bad for a first run at these kind of cookies. Everything is completely from scratch.

I'm done with the complex cookies for awhile though- took me like 3 days to make these.

But the bowlers and co-workers love them so much and I really enjoy cooking.

Well, almost time to go out and brave the storm here........

HAPPY EASTER ALL!

The Daily Life

2008-03-19T13:02:00.004-05:00

Since I've been living a very secluded, simple life lately I find there's not much to write about.
My days consist of work, bowling, and some TV-but mostly I just go home, watch an episode of Doctor Who and go to bed.
This week it's been classic Doctor Who-mostly the Davison era- with a little UNIT thrown in.
I had/have a big crush on Sergeant Benton. :)

Weekends I like to catch CSI or Law and Order marathons -but it sucks that they replay the episodes after only 4 or 5.

Monday I brought in cookies and cupcakes for my co-workers and on everyone's desk I put a cut-out shamrock with a handwritten Irish blessing in gold writing and a green buttermint.
It was actually a feeling of pride today as I walked around the office and saw that many of my co-workers had pinned their shamrocks up in their cubes or on their computers.

I think our office is so starved for morale.
It's a small company. We spend all day, every day together and we don't know eachother that well. I'm no better. I don't like to associate with the girls because I HATE the gossip circuit-which is alive and well in any workplace- and most of the guys are married and I stay away there, but I occasionally have a convo with my old boss and with the one single guy in the office (who's HOT by the way :) and a sweetheart.)

For 4 hours a day I stay focused and get my daily work done. The other 4 hours I try to look busy while finding something to do that doesn't make me look like I'm slacking off.....like blogging.

I no longer go out every night. I'm not in small group this year, nor have I attended house church. I'm not dating or hooking up with anyone. I'm not even hanging out with anyone-save for a group of non-Christian friends I inhertited from my first boyfriend who died almost 6 years ago. Even when I hang out with them I sit alone and just observe people.

I have nothing to say......well nothing to talk about at least. I'm a person who typically only speaks when spoken to. Sometimes I feel very socially awkward, sometimes I'm a social butterfly....it's hit or miss.

However, in this year of solitude I've grown more relient on God. I hope I can maintain that as I re-enter the social stream. I don't think it's good to be alone, but it is good to take a step back once in awhile before going forward.
I have a lot to heal from. My teen years were pretty mellow. It was my 20s that were very stormy.
Now I stand at the precipice waiting to cross over to my 30s and to see if I am destined to be joined with someone, or to live life alone. In the next 10 years my life will undoubtedly change very drastically. In my 20s it took some getting used to my younger cousins popping out kids from whatever person they were with that night.

Now the transition comes into my nuclear family. My sister's getting married. In the next 10 years will the other 3 of us do the same?
What will it be like to have nieces and nephews? I've never been particularly close to kids because they're never around me.

Will I have my own kids?
Which family members will I lose? Most of my relatives are still alive including almost all my grandparents. But they're all 80 or pushing 80 and probably won't be around much longer.

I wonder what my life will be like on March 19th, 2018..........where I'll be standing at the precipice of 40.

Will I still be at H. Brooks and Company?- hopefully I'll be a nurse by then or nurse practitioner.....

Looking back 10 years ago, March 19th, 1998 I was working in the tomato room at H. Brooks and Company. I was finishing up my 2nd year of college (holy crap time flies!!!!)
I had never dated, never been kissed- and I wanted that more desperately than anything else. :)
I didn't have hardly any friends. I didn't know Troy or Deb or Jen or Steve. None of the people -save for Ann- that are in my social life now were in my life 10 years ago......that seems weird.

In 1998 I'd never been outside the country- well to Canada but there's not much difference there.
I'd never been on a plane, never sang karaoke, wow.......I guess I have done alot in the last 10 years.

It's kind of scary to think what tomorrow may bring, but exciting too.
I wonder if I'll be more concise and coherent in blogging in the next 10 years....... Let's hope so, huh? :)

The Long Winter of Politics

2008-03-18T11:39:00.003-05:00

I've never been very "political" but every 4 years or so it seems impossible to avoid it.
How does one who doesn't care about politcs choose a candidate when none seem desireable?

I'm all for democracy and freedom; pursuing one's passions whatever they may be. I believe that no party and no system is perfect and that increasing the number of laws while making the system more perfect for some, makes it less perfect for others.

America seems hyped up on Obama. I won't deny it's easy to get sucked into his political smooth talk. It's easy to get sucked into just about anyone's political smooth talk. Why? Because people in general prefer an idealogical system.

Everyone wants the garden of Eden if it's promised to them and everyone finds disillusionment when reality sets in after the election and find that Eden is not attainable through one person alone.
Any political candidate is gonna play friends with everyone, tell everyone what they want to hear to get elected. That's just one of the games of politics.
I don't have a solution to the system. It's just frustrating to live in it and feel ignorant becuase I don't have the time to devote my life to political science, and I feel apathetic because no matter who gets elected- in the long run it doesn't seem like it will make much difference.

If there were an independent candidate this year, that would probably be the one I'd go with. I'm not for big political parties -well I'm not for just 2 big political parties anyway. It makes America seem very black or white. If we're such a diverse nation, why aren't there 5 or 7 major parties? Liberal and conservative are extreme spectrums and although we have the terms liberal conservative or conservative liberal, why aren't there other parties out there representing those intermediates?

I read a bit of Obama's speech today. It sounded great. We're trying to make a more perfect America, but you know what? There's NEVER going to be a perfect America.....not ever.... why? Because we are human and are incapable of perfection ourselves so we can't create something we ourselvesdo not posess.
People are greedy, selfish, and they are also loving and self-less (at times). There will always be the good guys and there will always be the bad guys and a candidate that makes claims that we're becoming more perfect and that perfection is possible (especially if voted into office) is pretty delusional.

I'm against war- unless it's brought to and fought on our soil.
9/11 was in America, but we're fighting by invading other countries instead of strengthening our own.

I'm against abortion- but am for it if there's a life threatening situation or if it was a case of rape

I'm wholeheartedly against gay marriage. I'm against the lifestyle yet my best friend is gay.

I'm all for universal heathcare.
I'm against and for any kind of insurance.....I think it should be optional and no insurance should be mandated by the state.

I'm very much for homeschooling and don't think the state, the government or any other person on this Earth has a right to tell someone what they can or can't do with their own kids; yet child abuse is very much alive and think kids should be taken out of homes where it's occuring.

I don't think any black and white system could ever work because life is all shades of gray. Every case is different.
I think we as a country need more wisdom and more prayer but that's me.

Guess this puts me in the middle of the road along with millions of others.....and that's ok.

To all the candidtates: good luck.

Wrath o' the Leprechaun

2008-03-17T11:35:00.007-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's day to ye all! Looks like someone stole the pot o' gold 'neath the rainbow last week. The leprechaun's retalliation was swift. Now we get more snow. Will this winter ne'er end????

Saturday I was in my first ever St. Patrick's day parade. I can say I've done it. It was bloody cold and I think there were as many people in the parade as watched it.

Here are some pics of us as we stood around waiting for the parade to start so we could jump in.

This is me with my friend Ryan to the left and John to the right. It was John's first time as well :)

The coldest part was going thru downtown. I tried to wave at people but couldn't feel my fingers. They were dark purple. I tossed candy at kids and felt bad becuase I literally tossed it right at their heads, not out on front of them. Will have to work on my aim.

This is my friend Justin's homemade music machine. It played Irish songs his grandpa recorded. We walked the parade in memory of him. I didn't realize it was his grandpa singing the songs and made a comment to Ryan that the music was a bit slow and we should play more upbeat Irish music.....oops.

(Justin didn't hear though- he's the one in black on the left)

This is Tommy- long time patron of the Parkside Lounge which is about ot be torn down. On the way downtown, Tommy told us how he saw the Parkside sign leaning against the side of the building -Tommy lives next door to the Side- and he tried to carry it up to his apartment but realized it should've been a two person job. He had to take it back over to the Parkside though because once he got it to his apartment he realized it didn't fit inside.

I don't know what happened to Tommy. After the parade a few of us looked for a bathroom. Tommy was with us, then he disappeared and the rest of us caught a bus over to the Grand 7. We never did find him. For all I know, he's still downtown somewhere. .......

Good times.

Irish Fridays

2008-03-14T09:25:00.002-05:00

This weekend marks the celebration of St. Patricks day.

For many it's just an excuse to get drunk.

But it is supposed to be the celebration of St. Patrick who tried to bring Christianity to the Irish/Celts. The shamrock represents St. Patrick because when he went to Ireland, he saw a shamrock and thought the 3 leaves were representative of the Holy Trinity.

I've been trying to decide if I want to join a group of my friends who are marching in the St. Patrick's day parade tomorrow. Alas, I think I'm going to come into work and decorate the office for Monday. Also, I don't feel like drinking all day- which my friends plan to do- and if I do join up with them they want me to be their driver.

Sure I'm ok with being a sober cab but it's not much fun to be out with a group of friends who are shitfaced and you're sober and thinking "what a bunch of idiots....." Unless you can be just as idiotic and not care- it really is no fun.

So tomorrow I think will be a day to work on artistic endeavors. There's an art show coming up at the Rock (my church) and I'd like to contribute.

So for a touch of the Irish:

Once upon a time

I went to Eire fair

her fields were green

her brew was mean

and I didn't have a care.

-----------------------------

May the weekend be warm

and the sun ever bright

may you not hear a howl

in the middle of the night.

------------------------------

Taste the rainbow

drink the gold

catch the leprechaun

and you won't grow old.

The Sky Is Falling!

2008-03-13T14:14:00.002-05:00

I don't know what it is. No matter what I do I get more depressed and disillusioned with the world around me.

I feel like Chicken Little going around yelling "The sky is falling!" and everyone thinks i'm a lunatic, therefore I feel like a lunatic and somehow unworthy of something.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

While I always try to keep those words in mind, people can make one feel inferior; people who are close to us. I agree with people who say one must learn to be loved in order to love others.
I have a hard time letting people love me sometimes. It feels selfish but I love pouring my love out on others. Then I begin to wonder if I am truly pouring out love or expectation of reciprocation.

I don't feel unworthy of life. I don't think much negatively about myself except I feel I continually fail to make people happy. Not that I should be THAT concerned, but making people happy brings me joy.

Maybe this inexplicable depression and my disconnect from my once closest friends is just another hill in the desert. Maybe God's trying to get me to rely even more on him.
I admit, in taking this year off of most social activities I feel lonely but I feel closer to God. I've relied on him more and he's been good to me.......really.
It's so hard to explain, but there have been so many days where he's given me little "God presents". Stuff only I could see that couldn't come from anywhere but Him.

It's not helping my depression though. I'm getting to a point of angry frustration.
I thought it was a chemical deficiency caused from not eating meat but I think it might be some stuff I tried to bury in the past that I never dealt with and tried to forget as it never happened and now it's coming to the surface for me to deal with so I can go on to something better.

I don't want to deal with stuff that's over and done with though. I don't want to reopen something I consider permanently closed. Looking back at the last 7 years of my life I feel like I've made them a complete failure.

I know no one likes to be around a depressed person and for that I'm trying to deny I even feel depressed but I can't fight this one. Did I mention I can't find a concrete reason for it????

Oh well. Hope something cheerful comes along this week.
Seems all I've had lately is bad news- with the exception of my brother's phenomenal bowling performance that people are still talking about. Amazing how fast word travels through the cities- especially in the bowling community.

I could use some good news. :)

This week I bowled well: 175, 194, 198 so close to a 600 and yet so far....

Daylight Saving's is a Drag

2008-03-11T13:09:00.003-05:00

Apparently going to bed at 8:30 or 9pm is no longer early enough for me.
Ever since daylight saving's time last weekend, I've been more sluggish and don't hear my alarm clock for the first hour and a half it goes off.

This has caused particular annoyance to my brother, who's room is just down the hall from mine- oh and I don't have a door on my room so the sound tends to carry.

Trouble is, loud as my alarm is and even with it being right next to my head, I don't hear it. I mean I hear it, but I am such a sound sleeper with such vivid dreams that the alarm incorproates itself into them- like a fire alarm, or some annoying guy making a profusely annoying sound constantly. Never do I realize this is actually my alarm going off.

This morning I set my alarm for 4:30am. I finally managed to open my eyes just after 6am. I didn't even hear my cell phone alarm which was set and left across the room. More times I hear that alarm more than the loud annoying one.

I loathe this daylight saving's time. There's an Irish saying: "Lose an hour in the morning and you'll spend the rest of the day looking for it."
Daylight saving's time it like losing an hour in the spring and looking for it until late October. The days may be longer in the summer but they never feel like it.

Screw you daylight savings!
I will not succumb to your shennanigans!

On another note, it's GORGEOUS outside today!!!! I mean I went to lunch and I could not even see my breath as I walked outside. I even drove with the window down. It feels downright balmy.

Gardening season is almost here........

Monday Chick Bits: Special Bowling Report

2008-03-10T13:46:00.003-05:00

Monday yet again. Somehow the world seems to skip over Saturday and Sunday. That's how it feels.

It was a big weekend on the bowling scene thanks to my brother Robbie.

Ever since he bowled his first 300 (a perfect game which is EXTREMELY difficult to do) he's wanted a sacntioned 300. Unfortunately the league in which he got his first 300 was not sanctioned.
This season he's come close with having the first 10 and 11 strikes in a row but not all 12.

He's bowled three 800 series which is phenomenal bowling in itself.

Last Friday while I decided to forego watching him and instead went to church, Robbie bowled a sanctioned 300 followed by another 300 followed by a 289 -which is 11 pins shy of a 300.
It was an 889 series and not only is it the highest series to ever come from Sun Ray lanes and to ever come from the twin cities, but he may be the 3rd highest ranking bowler in Minnesota state history!

That's my little brother!!!!!!!
It's something that comes along only once in a lifetime.....and he's only 28!

So I'm extremely proud of Robbie. :)

------------------------------------------------
Sunday, Robbie and I bowled against our dad and one of Robbie's bowling teammates from Fridays. It was a big rivalry and lots of trash talk on both sides.
Both of our teams had the exact same handicap.
Robbie and I won the first game by 5 pins.
We lost the second game by 5 pins.
Result: we tied for total. Another extremely rare occurence. 1 pin either way and the points sway, but we each took excatly 2 1/2 out of 5 points. Weird.

Then Rob and I went on to win the other 5 points against another semi-rival team. They were good but we had handicap on our side. We now are 5th place of 24 teams. We're also defending champs from last year so we have a little work to do but we're getting there.

-------------------------------------------------
Saturday, I attended an all family lunch/dinner since my relatives from Michigan are in town.
It's sometimes weird to get together with my family because even though I've known them my whole life, we so rarely see each other it's like getting together with strangers we're supposed to know.
My cousin Tracy's daughter Audra finally has hair and is sooo cute. I also found out Tracy's having another one.
I'm happy for her and Ryan, though still fighting back a bit of jealousy.

One day, one day....
-----------------------------------------------
I hear it's supposed to warm up to the 40s. Is it just me or does this seem like an exceptionally LONG winter????
I'm so tired of being COLDDDDDDDDD!
But spring cleaning has already begun. It may be a little bit of nesting as well, still getting used to living at Robbie's house, but also living with 2 guys who haven't really cleaned in 2 years- well it needs to be done.

You know I'm in power cleaning mode when I spend lots of money on cleaning supplies AND get extremely giddy about cleaning.

So far I've only managed to mostly clean my room, organize my dresser and get rid of a bunch of old clothes (something that's VERY hard for me to do for some odd reason). Every piece of clothing has a memory associated with it......like a picture. Must be a weird girl thing.
-------------------------------------------------------
One week from today is St. Patrick's Day!
Still don't know if I'm going to go out and celebrate Saturday like many people probably will. I'll probably be spending all weekend cleaning and working on my special project for my co-workers.
------------------------------------------------------
Only one more week and a half 'til I can eat meat again!
It's been weird giving up meat for lent.
No I'm not Cathollic but it's something I've always wanted to do and this year I felt especially called to do it.....can't really say why- just a feeling.

The crazy thing is, as much as I absolutely love meat and think PETA stands for People Eating Tasty Animals, I almost feel called to give up meat even longer. Like for an unspecified amount of time.
Feels like once you learn to live without something, it feels weird to go back to it.

I've found this also true with guys. In the past, guys have been my vice. Growing up in an ultra shelterd environment, then being turned loose on the world led to some pretty disastrous consequences. Fortunately none as bad as they could've been but it's left me scarred and prone to give into temptation.

Not since I had my first kiss could I go even a week without being kissed by a man. It's now been several months since I've felt that way and every guy who's made a move on me this year has been shut down.
I hope I'm not turning bitchy because that's a fear of mine. I have been a little more introverted and depressed but that's to be expected -along with my impending 30th birthday looming over my head.

I've had some desire but not lustful desire. I've had genuine desire- hard to describe the difference.
Playing games holds no interest for me. I see people differently. I'm proud to have pretty much conquered my greatest vice. However, being introverted was the one thing I most wanted to conquer in life and for a time I had it conquered. Now it's back. So I'm afraid if I'm not on guard I'll fall into the trap of guys again one day.

Geez this could be a blog in itself.

All in all, life is good. It's been a tamer, but good year so far. There are some big transistions going on this year but I'm confident all will be well as long as I'm sticking with God - and I am :)

Hope all you find this Monday great!

Irish Fridays

2008-03-07T08:50:00.002-06:00

May Old Man Winter be gone

May the sun shine e'er brightly

May the flowers be plentiful

and the trees tall and mighty.

------------------------------

May we all live to drink another day!

----------------------------

May the luck of the Irish

shine upon ye

now pour me another

while I go pee. :)

---------------------------

May we all go to heaven

and rejoin all our kin

May God have an abundant

supply of gin.

There's Gold in Them Thar Hills!

2008-03-06T13:12:00.003-06:00

I'm excited for tonight. It's my family's annual pilgrimmage to the White Bear Lake Lion's Club show. This is a play my family has attended every year without fail since I was born.

Sure it's pretty much community theater but there's a lot of family pride in it. My Grandpa Fleischhacker, Aunt Janice, and uncle Jerry are White Bear Lions and usually in these plays.

This year my Gramps even worte the play "There's Gold in Them Thar Hills!", and he has written a few others. It will be interesting to see how my uncle gets thru the dance routines on crutches.....after all, these plays are more musicals than anything. Guess that will teach my uncle not to fall off his deer stand again. He's been on crutches since November.

I'm also excited that my relatives from Michigan, Aunt Sue, Uncle Bill, cousin Tracy, her daughter Audra are coming to town and my cousin Molly is flying in from Portland.

Coincidentally, one of my great uncles died yesterday and the funeral will be this weekend so they'll be in town for that, too. My Uncle Ernie lived a long life. He was 89 and his wife, my aunt Evelyn, died some 20-something years ago so I'm glad they're together again.

I hope the show is as good as last year's which was Gilligan's Island themed.
I try to know as little as possible about the show before I see it so I can be surprised and think it better than it might actually be. It's all part of the magic, and the nostalgia of sitting in the same theater I've been sitting in once a year for almost 30 years now.

Go Gramps, Janice and Jerry! Break the other leg!

Aren't We the Dickens?

2008-03-05T12:38:00.003-06:00

There are more days than not when I just want to ask God: "Why do you even put up with us humans?"

People are so finicky, and shifty.
We have people that kill others and people who feed the homeless; people who have abortions and people who adpot unwanted babies; people who have no conscience and only pursue their lust for greed and people who give all they have and live a meager existence in the hopes of making the world a better place; people who look to the religious fads of the day and people who stick to long held traditional religion.
There are people who live in mansions and have servants, and there are still human being who live in tribes- like animal herds.

There are all sorts. All sinners but if you think about being around a child- a disobedient child at that- through all the tantrums, and "no"s, and crying.....if you see just that one moment of hope; one moment of goodness- all the bad stuff seems to fade away.

God must be like that.

People bicker and complain about EVERYTHING, yet if there's some universal crisis, we unite like no one ever thought possible.......until the crisis is over then we quickly forget and go on with life as it was.

I hate election time, especially the presidential election year. I hate the ads. I hate the bickering, the put downs, the false promises. Elections seem to evoke the worst characteristics of humanity.
And I can't say I really feel good about voting for any candidate. With all the scandals, and greed I feel like voting is putting my life in danger.
Not that I think 1 person can make all the difference but there is a significant sway.

Then one or 2 years from now, we will all forget the whole thing and mocl even those we ourselves voted for.

People will still be causing and fighting violence.
God will still be watching....probably shaking his head.

Aren't we people the dickens?

Yesteday's bowling scores: 177, 132, 151. Ouch.

Post Bowling Depression

2008-03-03T14:10:00.002-06:00

So this last weekend was the Spring Fling bowling tournament. I was excited all week and Saturday made sure I got up early, had plenty of time to get ready, have breakfast, coffee, etc.

I thought I was going to explode in the car on the way to the tournament. Seriously, I have no idea why I get sooooo excited about this tournament but I do. Maybe it's because I get to bowl with a bunch of friends I only get to watch bowl the rest of the year.

Anyway, I vastly outdid my performance from last year- thank God!
I bowled a 178, 197, 249 no-tap. My first 2 games should have been better, but I did win a trophy for 3rd place women's high game for the 249.

I also went 3 for 3 in colored head-pin shots and won 2 t-shirts and a towel.

By a stroke of luck, my number was drawn for the strike pot and I had the chance to win $275. But I was so nervous and my legs were shaking and all I could do was think "don't trip and fall, don't trip and fall". After all, O was making this shot in front of several hundred people.

Alas, I missed and only knocked 7 pins down. I should've taken more time. Oh well.

My brother Robbie and friend Curt who were first timers to the tournament seemed to have a great time as well.

It was good to see Curt again. We were sort of dating/haning out ---at this point I don't know what it even was but I hadn't seem him in a long time. We talked a lot. He had a poker game to go to right after the tourney and said he would visit me after his bowling league on Sunday. He didn't show and didn't answer my calls.

Turns out he left his phone at home but things like this happened last year and I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up again.

Yesterday at Red-Eye league, I did manage to bowl above my average: 162, 162, 175, 169 but still, I'm a better bowler than that. I had a great shot at a high 200 game in the 3rd game. I started with X X X 3/ X then it fell apart after that.

Looks like I need to fix my ball so it does't keep cutting into my hand and need to get a little more practice.

Troy and I were not talking again yesterday. Guess I didn't really care either. All I get from him is negativity and put-downs- well that's not ALL but I feel like I get more than my fair share.
I just sat there the last game looking around, trying to focus, trying not to cry, thinking "is this all there is? Is this all that my life has to look forward to? A Sunday morning bowling league?"

I was so apathetic and depressed, all I could do was pick my dog up, take him home with me and lay on the couch 'til I took him back to my parents' and then I layed on the couch the rest of the night.

The last 2 nights I've had pretty vivid nightmares. Nightmares are rare for me and they're typically not life-threateningly scary. I don't wake up screaming or anything.....I don't even wake up in the middle of the night because I'm compelled to watch the nightmare unfold.
Maybe I should just call them bad dreams then.

I mean when you dream you live alone in a beautful little house that you lock up when you leave, only to come home day after day and find someone's been in there.....then one day you come home and there are 2 men there who tell you they've been breaking in through the upstairs windows and turns out they are cannibals who've been burning the bones of their victims in the furnace in the basement....... that's not necessarily and good dream now, is it?

I think I just need a holiday- and not another weeklong siesta like Mexico in January, but a couple weeks of adventure. Going somewhere where they speak English, meeting new people, seeing new things, like a road trip, or hiking, or something! I just need to get away.

Generally I've been really happy and content since I closed a bunch of old doors; got rid of a few people in my life, changed my number.

I've given up eating meat for Lent, which I don't generally practice but feel called to do this year. Chicken is looking better and better every day.

But......yeah........... I've been in pretty good spirits since the turn of 2008. I've been happier than in a long time actually....even without sex, kissing, drinking (profusely).
I've read more books in the last 2 months than in the last 3 years.
I pray a little more, read a little more scripture, find myself more content with just God.....looking to Him for my fulfillment.

These lat couple days though I feel so discontent. I don't enjoy anything. I can do nothing but lay on the couch in a passive haze. I don't enjoy eating because I'm not hungry (from doing nothing). I'm bitter about not being in a relationship one moment, then grateful I don't have t osadjust my life for someone else the next.
I'm excited about my sister's wedding and love my future brother-in-law, but am growing slightly more bitter about not being able to get married myself.

Not even that.....I can't even get a date. Sometimes I tell myself, God's just too jealous and doesn't want to share me with anyone else just yet but it's maddening.

I've retreated to my house. I work (with very little socializing) I go home. If I talk to people, it's my immediate family or my bowling comrades.
I rarely see my friends. I rarely even want to..... That sounds wrong. I want to see my friends but it seems like it will suck the life right out of me if I do anything but go home and rest.

I'm always tired.
I'm always close to breaking down in tears but never let myself.
My mind is always somewhere else.

Looking at the months to come I have a lot written on the calendar to look forward to but I don't feel anything.

It's like I'm ok with where I am, but feel like I'm settling for a life that shouldn't be mine. I should be somewhere else.

This could all be spiritual attack. I've been praying and trying to ignore and reflect. But I feel
T I R E D. Tired of everything. Tired of my job, tired of being single, tired of going to school, tired of watching other people seem to get so easily and many times undeservingly the things I most desperately want in this life.
I'm so tired of it all!

So that's my little pity party rant.

But I have hope that things will look up. :)

Irish Fridays

2008-02-29T06:39:00.004-06:00

A new theme for Fridays!

Since I'm into all things Irish, Fridays are now designated for Irish blessings, toasts, or curses.

Erin Go Bragh!

To My Ex-lover:

You chased me, pursued me
then I was left broken hearted
since you went after another
and thought you had me out-smarted
but then you were careless and
I spoke to your bonny lass
now you've got no one
and it just makes me laugh!

Curse you I say!
may you never more score
May you gray prematurely
may you remain poor
you don't have a heart
nor a care in the world
and I pity the next lass
who agrees to be your girl.

For Drinking With Friends:

My eyes they are smiling
The company 'tis true
so drink up dear friends
this fine in house brew!
Let us toast to our youth
and to all that we've done
Let us toast to the Spirit,
the Father and Son
Let us give thanks for beer,
gin, vodka, rum
brandy, and scotch, and of course valium
now drink up dear lads
and lassies, too
don't stop 'til you drop
for that's what we do!

Thursday Chick Bits

2008-02-28T09:51:00.002-06:00

More snow today...... why is it that it seems to snow near the Spring Fling bowling tournament?
I remember last year we had almost record snowfall in 2 days right before the Fling. I had to be out of my apartment lot on a Saturday and got a parking ticket because I'd gone back to grab a sweater.

At least I live in a house now.

--------------------------------------------------

Yesterday on my way home from work, I kid you not, this old guy rolls up next to me at a stoplight. He had a cigarette in his left hand sticking out the partially rolled down window, and while he stopped he was smoking a pipe with his right hand.

Talk about muli-tasking.

-------------------------------------------------
Speaking of multi-tasking, I heard on the radio yesterday that multi-tasking causes a person to lose focus and even shortens your life span.

But I guess if you get more done even with a shortened life span, it all works out in the end.
Any years I can shave off the nursing home I'm all for.

---------------------------------------------------
I read this morning that a mom who's daughter died from alcohol poisoning at Mankato State is suing not only the bar who served the daughter but also the friends that were with her.

Clearly this woman has never been out drinking with friends in college. When everyone gets wild, crazy, and drunk......you're really not going to think to take your friend to a hospital or call an ambulance.

1. Because you're too drunk yourself to think about that sort of thing
2. you'll fear being caught for underage drinking if you're under 21.
3. Most people who drink often know that passing out is a common occurrence and if you see your friend pass out you don't assume they're dead.

Sad but true, the reality of life is that people do stupid things and accidents happen.

Suing people isn't the answer.

How about, um, maybe mentoring instead. Mentors are greatly needed in a generation pretty much raising itself.
--------------------------------------------------------
Sadly the hockey season is winding down. The next 2 weekends are the high school hockey tournaments.

Not that I'm into high school hockey per se, but it's a fun social outing and a lot cheaper than trying to see a MN Wild game.

------------------------------------------------------
Looks like this June I'll be flying to Washington/British Colombia to visit relatives. My dad offered to pay for the whole thing.
My uncle e-mailed me yesterday saying only "The ocean awaits".

Are they planning to throw me in and be rid of me for good?
Are they selling me to slavery?

In any case, I can't wait to see the mountains and ocean again. It's been far too long.

My relatives said they're going to prostitute me on the Canadian karaoke scene and at this one bar, there's naked -yes NAKED- bull riding on Wednesday nights.

Didn't think the family was into that sort of thing. I declined since I've got a lot that might go flying around....not to mention I don't like to be naked in front of strangers.
They said "no problem. There's girls bigger than you who do it".

Family.......... sometimes I wonder.

Hmmmm

2008-02-26T13:51:00.002-06:00

What do you write about when no Muse stikes you??????

The weather's warming slowly.
Those politicians sure are funny.
February's almost over.

There's nothing new worth watching on TV

I'm now a Century College student- or at least I've been accepted.

Today marks the halfway mark of my vegetarianism for lent. It's actually gone by pretty fast.

Mushrooms are good; no they're Grrrrrrrrreat!

I can't stop eating things with lots of sugar....but my pop intake is very low.

I thought no meat would help my diet. Instead I eat cookies, doritos, and pocorn for dinner.

I like green.

Boys have cooties; men have even bigger cooties.

Is it Friday yet????

Monday Chick Bits

2008-02-25T15:43:00.002-06:00

It's Monday...fortunately it's almost rolled by.

The Oscars were last night. Apparently that is an award show of some repute worth watching my millions? No thanks.
I enjoy Hollywood's movies but am not all caught up in celebrity gossip or fashion. I'll catch everything worth seeing in some glam magazine a few months from now while I wait to get my hair cut.

Instead I spent the evening on the couch watching CSI and Law and Order marathons. Probably just as pathetic but I can't help myself.

----------------------------------------------
Yesterday I couldn't bowl well no matter what I did. My hand's still bothering me. I bowled a 159, 125, 157 and another 150-something. I don't remember. We took 7 of 10 points to move up to 3rd place.

This week will be challenging with bowling Saturday in addition to Tuesday and Sunday.
This Saturday is the highly anticipated Spring Fling tournament. I've invited both my brother and friend Curt to bowl.
Should be interesting and fun; interesting because though Curt and i have been friends for many years we were sort of dating around this time last year but things just grew distant for no apparent reason. Long story I guess and I seem to be a glutton for punishment when it comes to my heart......which is now thankfully guarded.

I've kissed dating goodbye and am surrendered to a life of domesticity for now. Kinda boring and lonely but I'm getting good at cooking and cleaning :)
----------------------------------------------------------
You know what one of humanity's greatest inventions is? Music. Actually did humanity even invent music? Because the Bible talks often about angels singing and singing in Heaven.

Though not all music is Heavenly. I think music is complicated in that it arises from the spirit and is manifested through human inventions called instruments.

I've been listening to "The Lord of the Rings" and "The Chronicles of Narnia" soundtracks today and the beauty of the music contained in those tracks makes me trancend the physical realm to a place of spiritual rest. It's pretty amazing really.

I often day drean about being shipwrecked on a tropical island with one other person (more of an idea than a person I really have in mind) and I think all day about how hard life would be but also how much simpler and really more fulfilling because there wouldn't be all the distractions we, as Americans, have around us all the time.

Dare to dream I guess.
---------------------------------------------------------
The weather's warming marginally. I'm looking forward to green grass and trees and flowers.
Not mosquitos though.
--------------------------------------------------------
That's pretty much all I got today. Not much going on at the moment.

Hope in a Depraved World

2008-02-22T13:19:00.002-06:00

Last night I had dinner with my BFF Troy.

I was supposed to go to Mystic Lake casino to celebrate my cosmetologist friend Lucy's 21st birthday. I was all dolled up (because hanging with a bunch of girls from beauty school can make one feel a bit frumpy in every day attire).

Long story short, I couldn't get ahold of Lucy. I called her before I left the office and left a message. It took me an hour and a half to drive to Shakopee from work. I stopped at a gas station hoping to reach her, but to no avail.

So what do you do when you're dressed up and your plans fall thru? You call your best friend to see what they're doing.
turns out Troy only planned to make spaghetti and stay in. That worked for me.

Troy has a way of letting me know I'm a girl at every turn yet never treats me like one. He talks about my girly stuff rather derrogatively and yet shows me no sensitivity and in his manners treats me like a guy.
I am in fact a girl and therefore can get rather emotional. So when he saw my new dress, etc -which I'd received numerous compliments on- he just said "The Gay 90s called, they want their dress back", it hurt more than it made me laugh.
In retrospect it's funny, but my plans had fallen thru, I'd spent 2 hours driving in rush hour which I loathe to hell and it was very poor timing.

I had trouble getting one of my knee high boots off because I'd inadvertantly zipped up my nylons in them and it got stuck. More anxious to get the mushrooms I'd bought into the spaghetti sauce so they could cook, I walked around the apartment with one high heel boot on.
Eventually Troy helped cut me out of it.
I wasn't going to rewear those nylons anyway.

I placed my boots next to a pile of stuff he had on the floor, 'til he yelled at me to move them saying he'd alreadt asked me to do so. He hadn't asked me, and it pained me again. All this after I'd even specially bought him his beloved Mountain Dew and some cupcakes for dessert.
Gratitude is NOT something I ever feel from him.

Our little spat went on thru dinner. I didn't even look at him much less talk to him, but I swalloed my pride because we rarely get to hang out anymore and I'm working on neing more loving towards people.

I always thought of myself as an exceptionally loving and compassionate person.
Blue Like Jazz, which I just finished, convicted me that I was perhaps not as loving or compassionate as I had thought. I had a few revelations while reading it, but that's another blog subject.

As is usual, Troy and I talked about politics, faith, relationships, and the depraved state of the world. our conversations never cease to amaze me because for being friends, we are such polar opposites on many subjects. Often times I think that if two people like Troy and I could be friends, than there is no reason for any darkness in the world because most other people have more in common.

We talked about the fallen state of the world.
I believe there's still hope in the world and that people are still basically good; that good can be found anywhere if you really look for it. It can also come unexpectedly. I believe there can be salvation for the human race.

Troy however feels we are doomed rather than to be saved. He sees all people as desolate, depraved, evil. For that he would not consider ever having children because it's a terrible thing to bring a child into this world that is so cruel and violent.

This is where I come back that the world needs good people to be brought up and stand against the bad. I would like to have children to teach them the right way of living and to be lights to a world of darkness. (high hopes perhaps, but hopes nonetheless).

Then Troy said something that struck me......... he said he believes God doesn't want us to have children. He wants the human race to shrink and gradually die out because we're so evil.
I told him that if that were true, he wouldn't have made the world in the first place or have made humans. Sure we cause God pain; lots of pain, but we also bring Him great joy from time to time.

Our conversation ended rather unresolved on that point with Troy believing god doesn't want more children to be born and me thinking he does.
I just found it something I'd never considered before. That people see the world as a wholly bad place.

Sure it's immoral, we're all sinners and bad things happen out there.,,,lots of bad things but if all a person does is whut themselves up in their home and only view the world thru a TV screen or a radio or newspaper or internet......sure it would probably seem like a microcosm of Hell itself.

But meeting with people, sharing with them, getting to know them, praying with them or over them, loving them, that's a side of the world people don't look at because it's not plastered all over every media outlet we expose ourselves to.

Just last week a complete stranger came up to me and gave me a $20 off coupon at a store I was shopping at because she couldn't find anything she liked and it was going to expire.
She could have let it expire, or given it to a friend or family member, but she gave it to me- a stranger. I'd consider that a random act of kindness and when I experience stuf like that, it makes me want to do kind things like that for others.

So if we condition ourselves to stop seeing the imperfections and all bad things in others, bad manners, habits, pet peeves, things that just get under our skin......if instead we choose to swallow our pride and just keep loving people and doing good for them even if they're ungrateful, different, spit in your face, rob you, or whatever, who knows?
We might subtly change people and inspire them to want to be better thru our kindness and love.

Sure, there are many people out there who do want to use you for all you've got and giving is not a word in their vocabulary. Maybe it's not in their vocabulary because they've never seen giving or loving or kindness. Maybe if enough people share these things though it will one day rub off.

There's my idealistic thinking for today.

Happy Friday! Hope the weekend is great to all! :)

This week's bowling scores: 154, 158, 204.
Hand is almost healed.

The Home Stretch of MN's Frigidity

2008-02-21T14:01:00.005-06:00

You know what?
It's like living in the Artic here in Minnesota.

No, really.

I hear that temps are well below freezing in space and many times I wonder if Minnesota approximates that in the winter. It's bitter. Very bitter and unforgiving....like rich people.

Every morning I try to resist the temptation to drink a concentrated liquid of sugar- also known as hot cocoa, and fail miserably because I'll drink just about anything that is hot and trickles down my throat like gentle lava to warm me up.

My diet is cocoa and hot Campbell's soup- mainly tomato or cream of mushroom.

Today is Feb 21st. I month today it will be spring and I can kick Old Man Winter right in his cold snapping jaw.

Until then, you know what warms me up?

Leprehauns.

Yep, Leprechauns will do it. With their rainbows over green fields and pots full of molten gold- well maybe not molten but it was never really specified and molten sounds much warmer.

I've shielded my cubicle from Old Man Winter's blows with shamrocks of varying shades of green.

Just thinking about Leprechauns warms me up.

Kiss my Irish curse Winter!!!!!

May spring come early
And global warming be true
May in your purse you
Find a gold coin or two
Then fill up your gas tank
And fire up the car
Let IT run outside
While we drink in the bar!

A Poem for Tuesday

2008-02-19T14:15:00.004-06:00

I dreamed a dream
That I was queen
And the universe knew of my beauty

But then I awoke
and like some cruel joke
all I could see was but work and duty.

Day after day
All night I would pray
I tried to return to my palace

If ever I did
My memories were hid
Like drinking from Lethe’s chalice

Inside I could feel
What I lived wasn’t real
I knew there was something more

Resolved to find out
What this mystery was about
I quietly knocked on God’s door.

At first I didn’t care
If he was really there
I wasn’t very persistent

Besides why should he
Even want to let me
In cuz’ he’s pretty omniscient

My dreams, they all faded
My life lived still jaded
More and more I wanted my throne

Through the hurt and the pain
Through trials and rain
I remembered that Heaven was home

So once more I knocked
The door was unlocked
No longer was I alone

I entered in awe
As I looked up and saw
God polishing up my throne

In my anger and greed
My lust and bad deeds
I’d given up what he gave me

when unto Him I surrendered
I was allowed to remember
And be the queen He first made me to be.

Monday Chick Bits

2008-02-18T12:57:00.003-06:00

So I hear we taxpaying citizens are getting federal checks to encourage our already shop-a-holic natures while at the same time increasing the federal deficit.
Seems a lot like giving someone in serious financial debt a bunch of money and expecting them to use the money to further their debt rather than start paying it off.

I have no words to express this lame-brained scheme.
Sure, I'll enjoy getting a check from the government- who wouldn't? And as a self-absorbed individual no doubt I'll enjoy spending it on myself. But I'm at least respnsible enough to be climbling out of debt while spending this dough.

I wonder how much this government sponsored shopping spree will entice consumers to spend even more:
"Oh honey, I know we got $600 and look, this brand new HD TV is only $1200. I know we can't afford it, but it's only like half price now. We won't have this deal come around again....."

How much more financial loss do you think we'll incur when even more people file for bankruptcy and financial assistance.

The problem isn't debt; the problem's self-control- something that's become nearly equated with the vilest of words in our language.

---------------------------------------------------
If there are 2 things God has been revealing to me in the last few months it is these things:
1. Beauty
2. Self- control

In the books I've read, the friendships I've had, the movies I've seen I've been learning much about these things.
And had I seen or read or experienced anyof these things out of sequence, they might have gone unnoticed and made no impact on me.
Gotta love how God works his stuff, don't you?

I've become aware of how essential beauty is-most especially to women and how beauty is key to shaping everything around us in this world. We are drawn to it- models, flowers, sunlight, makeup, jewelry, finery.....we want it, we NEED it.
Beauty is the gift women possess and give to the world as a representation of God's heart and softness. ...compassion, sympathy, mercy, love, gentleness.

Last night I watched a movie called "The Little Princess". It's probably more a kid's movie, but I found it to speak to my heart about this theme of beauty I've been learning about.

In a nutshell, a girl named Sara is raised in India by her father. Her mother is dead and when Sara's still fairly young, her British father is sent off to fight in world war 1. Sara's father takes her to a girls' boarding school and sees to it she gets the biggest and best room and all the nicest things. She has tons of toys and an incredible imagination.
Soon all the girls except one (who's jealous of her own popularity taken away) are mesmerized by Sara's stories. She has to tell them in secret because the headmistress does not approve of communication among the girls.
Sara's father, before he left, told her she was a princess; that all girls are princesses no matter what.

During Sara's birthday celebration, she is told that her father is dead, his assets are seized and she is penniless. Her toys, clothes, eveything is taken away and the headmistress bestows "charity" on her by making her one of the servant girls. She cannot speak to any of her former classmates, and is now the lowliest person there instead of the wealthiest.

But her firends stay true to her, imagine with her. Sara never asks for anything and always knows that though she has no money, she is still a princess no matter how she is told differently.
It was pretty cool.

I would say it was the crown of beauty- to keep the inner beauty. Because no matter how fithy she was, she was still beautiful. Her spirit shined.
-----------------------------------------------------
Now I'm being directed to self-control.
I'm reading the book Blue Like Jazz. In it, the author identifies our self-absorption and lack of self-control as conflict and that conflict can only be called SIN.

I'm also observing lent this year, though I'm not Catholic, as an excercise in self-control. I've givin up all meat for 6 weeks.
Yesterday my BF asked me why I would do this. When I told him it was simply an exercise in self-control and that if I can say no to myself in this small thing, I might more easily be able to say no to myself in bigger things- like spending or sex or alcohol or anything.
He simply said "I couldn't do that".

I believed him. Here is a guy who taught me aolt about being responsible and keeping things together for a time. Now the tables have turned. He can't keep anything together. Many of the things he taught me I've had to re-teach him because he's forgotten.
He has abandoned all self-control. Hs no desire for it, and his life is in dore chaos. I know there's nothing I can to do help. It hurts to watch and not be able to persuade him to change back.
All I can do is pray, and hope and love him in spite of his actions.

For me, self-control is attainable but like every human, I have addictions. I've spent years fighting them and am now at a time where they're reasonably under control.......hopefully this will last as long as it can.
It seems like nothing at all, but I'm also not faced with drastic temptations or hard choices. God has sort of shielded me in (at my request).

But being in this place, it's amazing how easily I forget many people can't bear to face their demons and have no interest in even trying. They run away from self-control. It's all about ME ME ME ME ME.

I recently went out a few times with a new divorcee and all he talked about was "I'm taking time for MY needs. This year is about what I want. It's time for ME. I want you to give ME........., etc."
It was sickening hearing him talk like that. I know he's hurting from his divorce but that's no reson to wall up and push everyone away to glorify himself.
----------------------------------
I don't even know where I'm going with this post. My thoughts feel so abtract and it's a rarity indeed that I ever feel I can be coherent and explain things and thoughts well.

I do find myself agreeing with author Donald Miller. The problems of this world aren't racism, or human rights, the environment or predjudice of any kind. They are only symptoms of a bigger problem. The problem is with in ourselves. The problem is conlict with the cosmic harmony. The problem is sin against God.

This seems a heavy post for Monday :)

Happy President's Day.

Sunday's bowling scores: 164, 200, 134, 185. Took 8 of 10 points.

Friday Segway

2008-02-15T11:28:00.002-06:00

Yay! It's Friday again. My favourite day of the week. The whole weekend to come is yet before me and not behind me.

I hear it's supposed to be decent outside tomorrow. Maybe I ca get my lazy butt off the couch and doing something constructive with my time; although I do still have 2 chick flicks I bought htis week to watch.

Last night I spent Valentine's Day with my dog, then my mom.
My parents went to dinner at the Cherokee room. I declined to go with them. Instead I gathered a bunch of ingredients and went to their house. I made stuffed mushrooms which were rather good. There were no-fat fig Newtons for dessert.

After getting mesmerized by old family photo albums as I looked for a vase for the flowers I'd brought my mom, I started watching "Chasing Liberty". I didn't get very far in the movie when my parents got home.

I swtiched movies to the more tear-jerking "A Walk to Remember" which my mom had wanted to see. When the movie was over and I prepared to leave, I played with my dog for one more minute.

In a careless toss, I threw one of his toys to the dining room, where it hit he wine glass full of red cranberry juice I'd been drinking and sprayed it all over the light gray carpet.

Needless to say, I spent the next 1/2 hour with mom's help, scrubbing it out.

I was in bed by 10.

Morning I did have a nice voicemail from a close co-worker thanking me for the Valentine i'd left on his desk that morning. He thought it was something work related so didn't open it 'til after I'd left.

Nothing much of tremendous interest is going on in my life......
I finished reading Captivating and am now moving on to Blue Like Jazz.

I feel a certain sensitivity to spiritual warfare I've never felt before. I've always kind of ignored to warfare concept but now I feel it's presence....it's unusual. I feel my eyes have been opened to new things this week. Now I'm trying to process.

Tonight I will watch my brother bowl and perhaps have an encounter that's bound to happen at some point. I confess, I'm skipping church to try and hasten this encounter just to get it over with because i'm tired of it looming over my head.
I want to be able to see and feel the Son without big emotional clouds looming over me.

I'm not seeking out this encounter per se, just placing myelf in the same building to see what happens. I have no idea what I'll say if it does happen. But much of my anger is gone and I feel a peace about the past.

Sorry, I know a lot of this sounds pretty vague but it's a very personal matter.

I'm excited that spring is coming. The spring fever is coming on. I long to be back in nature and out on the water and just drinking in the beauty all around me.

Hope the weekend brings good things to all. :)

Valentine's Day 2008

2008-02-14T09:58:00.002-06:00

Another Valentine's day is upon us.

This morning I went back and read last year's post. It's always interesting to see how many things can change over the course of a year and how many things haven't changed.

So here are my 2008 reflections of being single:

This is the last year I will celebrate a Valentine's Day while in my 20s.
I've almost finished reading the book Captivating and I have to say it's had a more profound impact on my outlook on life than I ever thought it would.

I'm not a huge reader and it's difficult for any book to hold my attention but this book made me aware to many things I was hiding about myself or trying to deny and made me realize how essential it is to the world, to God, and to myself for me to be vulnerable, open and beautiful.

I wasn't even aware how much I'd been hiding my heart or how hardened it had become. I feel softer this week.
So to celebrate Velentine's day, I bought a dozen roses each for my mother and each of my grandmothers. I made homemade Valentines for them and some for a few co-workers as well.

Yesterday I visited my maternal grandmother and it felt really good. She almost couldn't believe I'd brought her flowers which made me feel like I should be doing that more often.

Tonight I plan to visit my mother and perhaps my paternal grandmother.

I was excited and flattered that an acquiantance of mine last Friday had asked me out to dinner tonight so that neither of us would have to spend Valentine's day alone. I gave him my number. He never called..........and you know what? That's ok.

Sure, it would have been nice to go out to dinner and hang out with someone, but on the other hand, one of the goals I set for myself about a year ago was to spend more time with my family and I get the opportunity to do just that.

I often tell my mother I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone in my family- except perhaps her father but like me, he's often busy.
I'm trying to change that feeling of not belonging.

So what's it like to STILL be single on another Valentine's Day?

It's actually ok. I won't lie; if given the choice to be single or not I would choose not but I still find myself content in my life more or less. Though I may throw out the remark that "it's just another day" it isn't. It's a day to celebrate love in all it's forms. Romantic love is just a small part.
I'm fortunate to have lots of people to love. God, family, friends, co-workers, maybe even strangers.
I don't need to have just one man in my life in order to experience love or to define it solely around that. No man could ever love me or make me feel loved enough. It's a bottomless pit that only God can fill and though I've tried to fill it elsewhere and it's made my life miserable, the failures also draw me back to God ever quicker and ever stronger and finally for the last few months I've been content that God is enough.

Though I may go home alone at the end of the day and watch tear-jerking chick flicks, today is a happy day and I am glad to celebrate it - just as I am, and just the way I was intended to celebrate it.

Hope you all find contentment today and have the happiest of Valentine's Days! :)

Last Tuesdays bowling scores: 156, 134, 179. .......I was playing injured.

If I Lived in Lincoln's Time

2008-02-13T09:53:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was Abraham Lincoln's Birthday. He's been dead how many years? And we're still celebrating it?

I hope people celebrate my birthday when I've been dead 100 years but that's most unlikely.
it would be intersting to see what life would be like 100 or even 200 years from now. With thie internet and digital photography and videography we keep better records of our lives.
I couldn't tell you who most of my great-grandparents were, let alone great-great and further back. There are few to no pictures, no videos, little evidence they were ever alive except for pieces here and there among anonymous family members and the memories that live in my grandparents' minds.

How will future generations see their lineage as people photograph nearly everything (I'm one of those people) and try to document as many moments of their time on Earth as they can? Will the pictures and vidoes be thrown away?

I marvel sometimes that the internet mat still be around and people could actually look me up and find me, my blog, my MySpace or whatever hundreds of years from now. Cool.

But what if I lived 150 years ago?????

As Valentine's day approaches tomorrow and for another year I remain single- in this year that I will cross 30 years of life, I think about how, had I lived in Lincoln's time I would be called a Spinster; a old maid. There would be little chance of my marrying anyone- ever. I would still live with my parents and tend to the housework.
Or my parents would actually have fixed me up with some guy and married me off. That seems more likely. Parents seemed more involved in their children's affairs back then. Now many are indifferent.

As I've mentioned before, I've been reading and watching a lot of Jane Austen's works. She lived at about Lincoln's time as well, only in England. Back then women couldn't inherit property. they had no political say- unless they had extreme influence with the men around them.

A woman's sole purpose in life back then was to be well mannered, educated, able to sing, play, draw and do anything she could to attract a man- moreover a weathier man so she could elevate her position in society. Love was often a happy coincidence if it ever happened in the marriage at all.

Most people -in America at least- today would rather marry for love.
Illegitimate children are the norm and no one likes to interfere or have their lives interfered with.
Everything's informal. I see people wearing jeans more and more to functions like weddings and funerals. In just about 100 years society pretty much turned itself upside down.

Will it turn again in the next 100 years?

I don't know that I have a point here.......just marveling at how very different life in general, and my life in particular would be if society is as it was back then.

Music and the Muse of Melancholy

2008-02-12T14:08:00.000-06:00

You know who's one of my favorite musicians?

Rachael Yamagata.

She's a relatively emerging artist. She's only a few months older than me. Her music tears into my soul like Juliet impaling herself with a dagger after Romeo drank poison for her.

There's the smooth, calming effect of her voice- much like Norah Jones but completely different altogether. There's an edginess to her music and the instuments she employs makes you realize this isn't music from a pop factory.

I eagerly anticipate her next album. There's been a teaser for it for at least 1/2 a year but no next album debut in sight. I love every song save one on her Happenstance album. The second song is just too dissonant for my tastes though I've tried to like it, I can't.

Please Rachael Yamagata! Give us more!!!!

Some people like upbeat tunes or happy tunes.

Most of the time, I am not one of those people. Gice me a song that makes me cry my eyes out and want to put a gun to my head. A song that isn't all "make me feel good" with it's repetitive chorus and high tempo.

I stragely feel good after hearing a melancholy song. No, it's not because I realize I have it better than whoever wrote the song, but because I find I can really feel my heart and my humanity thru such music.

I spend so much time repressing feelings and shutting myself off to my heart to prevent myself from feeling wounded of getting hurt but it also isolates me from feeling truly and passionately. slow songs bring me back to that, as well as appeal to my romantic nature. Give me a slow song, anytime, anywhere. I'm fixated.

Also, John Mayer's got some decent tunes in his Continuum album like "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" , "Gravity", and "I'm Gonna Find Another You".

PS: RED EYE league officially started last Sunday. I'm playing injured this week due to last week's hasty pre-bowl; 3 games in 25 minutes. Cut my thumb up a bit right on a nerve so no doubt today's bowling will suffer.

The scores I can recall are 137, 149, 150-something and I think 155. Hope today goes better. :)

I Love Alan Rickman!

2008-02-11T15:21:00.000-06:00

Well to be honest, I've never met Alan Rickman so I don't know that I truly love him, but I've been an admirer of his for some time and it blossoms ever more the more I see his works.

Or course Mr. Rickman plays well known villains like Hans Gruber and The Sheriff of Nottingham, and the mysterious Severus Snape in the Harry Potter films, but yesterday I FINALLY watched "Sanse and Sensibility" since these past few months I've been on a Jane Austen kick.

Until I bought the movie, I had no idea Alan Rickman was in it and it was another great performance.

One thing I admire about Alan Rickman is that he plays complex characters, many times neither good nor bad or at least it's hard to distinguish. There are many layers of emotion and mystery that his characters are shrouded in, and some characters that display the shades of gray that are so true to the human spirit because let's face it, life is seldom black and white and choices are rarely easy.

I have to admit in watching "Sense and Sensibility" I liked Willoughby's character because he was younger and more extroverted but I would have gone more for Colonel Brandon. I loved the way Rickman portrayed him.

"Love Actually" was another great role for Rickman and though he plays a cheating husband, there was a certain appeal he held -an attraction that I haven't notice in any other role.

Then there is the role Rickman has in "Galaxy Quest" -AWESOME. "....by Grabthar's hammer........" :)

So though I admire many actors like Johnny Depp, and Mel Gibson, and Colin Firth and actresses like Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson, Renee Zellweger.....etc, I give special kudos to the sexy, mysterious, deliciously menacing, and delightfully comedic Alan Rickman.

He is now added to my list of people I would most like to meet before I die.

I'm still jealous and elated of my friend Criag's encounter with Tom Baker.......an opportunity of a lifetime that I'm sure I'll never have.

Happy Monday all!

RED-EYE!

2008-02-08T14:47:00.000-06:00

This weekend the 11 Sundays of mirth, merriment, and drunken bowling begin!
Ok- so I drink coffee but I can't speak for the rest of the league.

It's Red Eye Season! My brother Robbie and I are defending our championship title against the forces of evil- and the 23 other teams.

In a year of unprecedented rivalry, our father and friend are joining, adding to the already existing rivalry of my best friend and my brother's 2nd in command, and the team of our parents' neighbors.

---------------------------------------

I've been thinking alot this week about Beauty. The more I read CAPTIVATING, the more I feel I am coming to understand beauty in a way I never did before and am understanding it's importance. It's not just a fringe benefit of life but an essential. We NEED beauty to survive.

Of course it can be used as a weapon and I'm learning more about how as well, but will try not to emply it that way :)

Reading about the necessity of beauty in our lives and realizing how many people are starving for it has opened my heart and strengthened my desire to serve others, to be more intent and outgoing in giving kindness and attention.

My spirit has been lifted, though in the last half hour as my heart opens, I find that my fear- especially fear of men has also been increased.
I'm not afraid of men in the physical sense because I can fight back there. What I fear is the area I feel I can't fight back -the emotional. I still have deep emotional wounds that are still healing from the men in my past.

And although I've been able to overcome most of them and move on, I realize that there is an impending encounter with a man tonight who had hurt me deeply and recently and I fear- not what he'll do or say- but what I'll do or say.

All week I've had visions of what could happen when our paths cross. I lose my temper, I take a swing at him, essentially I go ballistic and that's not what I'm going for. That's what I feel he deserves but not the kind of person I am.

On the reverse, I also don't want to be passive with him as I have been in the past. I've been hurt. I have a right to own up to that and to stand up to defend myself, but in the right way not a cruel way. That's the biggest area I have to work on when it comes to self-control.

I'm a hot head.

I'm governed by my emotions and although I have some sort of reasoning filter, many times I let my anger and frustration get the better of me.

Hopefully all goes well and that the encounter DOES happen, because I need to get it over with.

-----------------------------------------------

Tonight will be my last night of singing at the Parkside. Sadness. :( I hear there's a big article about the Parkside in the Pioneer Press today. Check it out.
It's my second home away from home.

Lots and lots of memories.

----------------------------------------------
Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Thursday Tiredness

2008-02-07T12:44:00.000-06:00

Why is it that more than any other day in a week, Thursdays leave me the most fatigued and drained?

I can never get up on time Thursday mornings. I feel devoid of life all day. Wednesday nights are nothing extravagant and so shouldn't leave me so unconscious Thursdays.
Lately Ive been sucked back into a pattern where I maintain just enough consciousness to get thru day to day living. I don't go out of my way or expend myself for anything more than I HAVE to.

What happened yesterday and in the past creeps up in my mind, but I really avoid thinking about the future. Too many uncertainties and therefore sucks up more of my energy.

I know this weekend will be the last weekend the Parkside lounge will be open. Since I've ridded myself of all boyfriend/ex boyfriend attachments, the only social life I have this year resides between Sun Ray Lanes and the Parkside......moreso perhaps at the Side because I open myself up more there - to my friends and through my singing.

It feels like I know there are many events- big events- coming up this year but I can't feel excited about them. All I feel is going through the motions. Like it's something I'm detached in observing, as in a dream.

So many days I long to feel that excitement and anticipation I used to feel as a child when a birthday or wedding or holiday would approach. I keep asking myself, "What did I do then that made me so excited? Why did time seem to go so slowly back then?"

I think about how holidays were built up in school but making art or doing projects and lessons related to the upcoming event.
If it was a family event like a birthday or a wedding, I'd be around my mom who would talk about it constantly to various family members. Always being at the apron strings, as it were, I would think there was nothing else going on in the world because I heard nothing else.

Now as an adult, I'm pulled in so many ways. Time seems to accelerate as I have more responsibilites, know more people, and am free to explore life in my own independence. There's just so much information coming into my brain all the time that I don't give myself time to process it and reflect on it and get excited about it because there's still more, more, more info to absorb, more good times to be had, more responsibilites to see to.

So often I wish there were more hours in a day so I'd have time for "EVERYTHING" but in knowing myself, I would sleep them away or watch TV. There is something within myself that utterly refuses to spend time alone if given the choice.

On rare occasion when I do spend a night alone, with no TV on and no phone calls.....I find that I get alot of crap done and I feel so good about the time I've spent alone after the fact.

Yet as a new day comes, the fear is there all over again. Fear that if i'm spending time alone, I'm being unproductive in some way- maybe to society or something.

I've been reading a great book by John and Stasi Eldredge called CAPTIVATING. It's hit the nail on head about what I feel much of the time and had put into words feelings I've had but couldn't articulate. Basically it talks about how a woman devotes her entire life to find an answer to one question, "Am I lovely?". She will look to anyone and anything to answer this question, even to men and the only one who can answer it truly is God, but to hear him we must spent time alone.

Maybe I don't want to hear the answer because I might find out I've spent all these years and all this energy for absolutely nothing. In some ways I fear God will say I'm a disappointment because I'm a better sinner than a child of His. I know that's not what he'll say but I've known nothing but heartbreak, lies, and mistrust from every man who's ever been close to me--- from my father, my boyfriends, and man I ever allowed myself to become attached to and I've closed my heart up to avoid the hurt.

Here this book is telling me I have to keep it open and take the beating because that's part of remaining vulnerable so we can allow ourselves to be loved.

Right now I don't feel like I can allow myself to be loved. I always try to lead if I don't feel a strong leadership with the person I'm with and if I try to follow I feel I become too permissive and blind.

So this post took a little turn but with all the energy spent on this:
Approaching 30, going back to school to change careers, dealing with being single and childless yet trying to get rid of bad suitors at the same time, having a full time job, trying to eat right, look young, making an effort in appearance to seem "pretty", working on domestic skills, being smart, talented, charming, polite....all the time.....always being looked to, to do everything right and yet still feel like a failure- and having your family tell you you are a failure because you were given so much potential and you've wasted it because you didn't pursue something you didn't want to------------ugghhh no wonder I feel my energy sucked out most of the time.

Women in general are tired and crabby because they are expected to be and do everything- all the time. It's no longer enough to just grow up and be the mistress of a house; a wife, a mother. No we are expected to work full time, be in every place at once, clean, cook, make more money for men who are indifferent, lazy and non-committal.

NOTE that this is not all men but the majority of those I've encountered expecially in the dating world. They want everything with no effort from themselves. It's frustrating. It's infuriating and this- no doubt- is why I'll be spending another Valentine's Day in my own company......and I'm ok with that but I feel like I'm supposed to have all these answers to questions i've never encountered before.

I can't be everything to everyone and one thing CAPTIVATING has brought to light for me is, that I'm better by not even trying to be.

However, my personality is such that I have no real passions or desires that I would spend all my free time doing. I'm passionate about music but I want to do a little of everything to mix it up, not just music but art and sports and socializing, and cooking, etc.

oh well. Guess this has become more a venting session now. Didn't mean for that. :)

Tune in next time for another menstrual emotional rant. (Ha Ha).

Ash Wednesday Chick Bits

2008-02-06T13:02:00.000-06:00

Joyeaux Ash Wednesday blog readers. :)

This year, though it is not practiced in my religious denomination of choice, I am observing the season of lent. My motives for this are not as much "religious" as they are perhaps spiritual.
I believe the saying "NO" to oneself is the greatest thing that separates humanity from the rest of the species on Earth.

Apparently God thinks it's pretty important, too- for self-control is a fruit of the spirit; and yes I would say that saying "no" to yourself is what self-control is all about.
Growing up I thought the whole concept pretty much sucked, but as I get older I see the wisdom of it. Just look on any area of your life where you might indulge yourself a little too much and tell me that area isn't particularly chaotic, and not making your life suck as a result.

If I keep allowing myself to spend money I have none when I truly need it.
If I keep sneaking extra snacks, I become overweight and look down on myself as a result.
If I say yes to a guy who I know has poor character but I just want the temporary "feel good" high a budding romance brings, I learn heartache, betrayal, and find myself in a pretty beat up, depressed, and poor state.

So for lent I have given up meat. I will eat fish- which I consider a meat but a meat of the sea. I'm giving up the meat of the land- most notably my beloved chicken. I will learn to be more creative and healthy in my eating habits- maybe- and it will help me sharpen my ability for self-control---and believe me I need all the help I can get in that area.
I'm pretty darn permissive.
---------------------------------

Last night I went to the MN Wild vs Detroit Red Wings game. My sister decided to give her suite tickets to her fiance and his brother because she thought the suites were completely enclosed. When she discovered otherwise she was pretty bummed. I think we had the better view of the arena as a whole though from our upper deck seats.

The Wild lost 3-2 in overtime. I was a good game. The Wild played well. I finally bought a jersey (that makes me look prego) and some PJ bottoms. GO WILD!

---------------------------------
Work has been incredibly boring for me lately. There's no challenge and when something remotely out of routine requiring a little thought comes around, I find myself too apathetic and lazy by the afternoon to tackle it.....I digress a bit here.

Yesterday I left early to try and buy a Wild jersey before the game. The store in Maplewood mall was still there but the gate was down and the lights were off.

So I decided to continue on and prebowl............... a 149, 201, 165. The first game I couldn't pick anything up. My ball took off hard to the right.
The 201 tore open the blister/callous I have between my thumb and index finger.....but I played thru the pain to finish out and not too badly.

Today I am forcing myself to stay at my desk but am going to flip thru some recipes to find yummy non-meat stuff and I hope to work on some long overdue bowling paperwork.

-------------------------------------------

I took a quiz mentioned on Ochuk's blog to see which presidential candidtate my views were most aligned with.

It came up with Mike Gavel-----------WHO????!!!!
Guess I've missed out on that guy. Is he even still running?

Second place was a tie between Hillary and Huckabee. HMMMMM that doesn't help me.
I hear there was record caucus turn out. let me tell you, going to the Wild Game was the better decision.

-------------------------------------------
For the most part, I've been handling the end of a very close friendship much better than I thought. I think a big part of me is still in denial and so angry I don't want to waste tears over it, but I hear that crying is supposed to help in the whole grieving process because it demonstrates that whatever we're crying about really matters to us.

Ok- but is it worth it? I feel like crying most of the time anyway. I'm emotional.
I am woman- hear me cry.

But that doesn't mean I'm not strong. Anyway, I face the possibility of seeing this person (in a public place) on Friday and don't know how I'm going to react.

By and by I'm starting to feel the subtle creep of loneliness ebb it's way toward me.

The closing of the bar I frequent to sing karoake this weekend isn't helping combat the loneliness any either. As for finding a new venue for singing, the only one close to me I would want to go to is frequented by the friend I'm no longer friends with. So that's out.

Life really sucks sometimes. I hate that it's this way. Bring on the armageddon and let's just get this all over with as soon as possible, please.

-----------------------------------------------
The groundhog "Phil" saw his shadow last Saturday. Only 6 more weeks of winter. Oh good, 'cause I thought we might -you know- get snow through April or something. I'm glad groundhogs are around to tell us these things.

Incidentally I'll be keeping my gloves and car scraper handy 'til about June.

-----------------------------------------------
I'm very much looking forward to this year's release of "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian".

----------------------------------------------

Guess that's about it. It is only Wednesday after all.

Ever notice how many songs there are about Mondays and how they're "Manic" or "can't trust that day"? And how many there are about Fridays with gettin' paychecks and partying and fun?

No one writes about Tuesday-Thursday. Huh.

Super Wild Tuesday

2008-02-05T11:42:00.000-06:00

Yeah I've heard.............

Today is Super Tuesday. I was going to go to the caucus, but I'm still undecided and more importantly, my sister called me last night and has an extra ticket to tonight's MN Wild game.

Gee, that was a tough choice.

I've decided that since I got my MN tax refund yesterday and since my sister will most likely be borrowing my mom's Wild jersey which is what I usually wear to games because i've been too poor to buy my own and Santa keeps dropping the ball every year, I'm going to leave work early and stop off to buy a friggin jersey.

Now my dilemma is whether I want a white jersey or a red one. I've always envisioned myself in a white one, but red as a color does look fabulous on me. :)

Oh and I also have to pre-bowl since I'll be skipping bowling as well to go to the game. Wish I would have gotten a little more notice than at 10pm last night though, but still, we musn't complain.

Mondays Suck

2008-02-04T07:25:00.000-06:00

The more I think about it, the less I can find anything good about Mondays.
Mondays rip us away from our restful states and bring us back to work- whether to a job or within the home. Mondays tend to feel like extra long and boring days; lonely days; chore days.

This morning as I cling to my coffee like Golum to his "precious" and gaze at the piles or paperwork I have surrounding me, I let out a big resounding "UGGHHHH!!!". I wish I could crawl back into bed and just sleep 'til about noon and then get some laundry done I didn't have time for over the weekend.

I think I'd rather be just about anywhere than here. I so do NOT want to work today. On top of it, I hear there's a big snowstorm coming our way. That ought to make the afternoon commute pleasant- or not so much.

Gee Mondays make me such a crab ass.

Anyway, to lighten things up, here's a brief review of this past weekend:

Friday- atteded the Rock which I'm trying to do more frequently. After the service I met a co-worker and his girlfriend at the Parkside Lounge for karaoke. Sadly, the Parkside will be closing its doors on Saturday night and is soon to be torn down.

Saturday- came to work but that lasted about 90 minutes. Met my girlfriend Jen at the mall for her birthday outing. We went to The Cheesecake Factory which neither of us had been to before. The menu was seriously like a book. I like options in dining but there is such a thing as TOO MANY options.
I had Evelyn's favoite pasta. It was pretty good as far as pastas go.

Jen and I then went to see "Juno" which has been all the rage lately. It was actually pretty cute and the dialogue was witty.

Due to illness and blaseness in some of my friends I did not go out for karaoke Saturday night but instead met my friend Kurt at the Tapestry in Minneapolis for some swing dancing. I always tell people I'm a singer not a dancer but this was actually really, really fun! I only stayed for about 3 hours but I plan to go back and do some lessons. I'd like to be a better dancer. i'm just not a great follow because I don't trust the leads enough. I think it will be good practice for me to learn to trust by dancing.

After the dance, I caught the end of the Republican debate at my best friend Troy's. I have to say I do not like McCain, or Romney. I don't have a very high opinion of Huckabee though he seemed better than the aforementioned 2 and Ron Paul seemed alright.
Admittedly, I'm still at a loss as to who to vote for, for president this year.

Yesterday I dragged myself out of bed to attend Woodland Hills church (my former church) with my mom, sister, and sister's fiancee Joe. After church we went to IHOP which I'd never been to before. Joe's niece works there apparently and it was ok. The steak was too sweet for my taste but the pancakes were good.

Later I went with my mom to visit my grandparents who have been sick with colds lately. After a few hours there I came home and made my third attempt at baking beer bread. This time there were no kitchen travesties, but I was a bit timid leaving the bread in the oven too long. I'd say the results were OK but I need to work on the recipe a bit.

I split watching the Superbowl by starting at my place, then going to the bowling alley to have cake with the family for my sister's birthday, then to the Parkside for one drink, then back home.
I rooted for the Patriots, but I'm happy for Eli Manning that he won a Superbowl, too. It was a great game. Pretty exciting at the end.

Now back to this Monday thing. Guess I should try to make some of these papers disappear.

It's a New Day

2008-02-01T10:26:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I think one of the biggest curses of being human is not being able to forget what happened yesterday. We remember hurt, pain, loss, and from many of these things we form regrets that can eat away at us and interfere with the life we're trying to live today.

However, we also have the blessing that each day is, in fact, a new day and every morning when we wake up we have a fresh start. We have to live with the consequences of what happened yesterday but no matter what happened then, today- nothing's happened yet. The slate is clean and we have the opportunity to make the most of the blank page of today.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was harassed and threatened. I'm a big girl. I can take it, but I don't have to endure it. I have the choice to make it so I don't have to endure the consequences of a choice that was not my own.

What did I do yesterday? I changed my phone number. For the first time ever, I deliberately changed it. I've been harassed and threatened before and many times have thought about changing it, but it was almost a part of me. ....yes that might sound weird.

But as I near my 30th birthday and look back on my very turmultuous 20s, this change was a long time coming and essential to me moving on to the chapter I'm about to begin. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. There's a goal; a plan and support.

There are many things I've done in my vast array of yesterdays. Some I'm proud of, some I'm definitely not proud of. Yesterday I ended a friendship that was one of the closest, most profound and intimate, and one of the unhealthiest in my life. It was someone I grew to love deeply and hate and the same time. It was one I thought I would die without. Well guess what?

I said goodbye and I still woke up today. I was almost surprised at the relief that swept over me when I ended it. I thought I would feel guilty and regret-- and I do-- but today they are overshadowed by a feeling of freedom and an "anything is possible" attitude.

I feel sad about it. I regret that my last words to this person were spoken in anger and that I had to hurt this friend in order to help myself. I desperately loathe hurting people and I do it most often unintentionally. This time it was intentional and a little betraying. I ruined two peoples' happiness yesterday because I needed the truth to be known.

I deeply regret I had to betray this friend's confidence and I know that in the next few months I will feel the loss of this friendship profoundly because my life was so interwoven with theirs.

I still can't believe I yelled and hung up and immediately changed my phone number- for a $36 frickin dollar fee but I digress.

I can't believe I was actually bold enough to do what I needed to do over what I wanted to do. Unfortunately the more I dwell on this friend the more sad about it I feel. I know it was a correct decision. I've deleted all the contact info everywhere- except the numbers still burned in my memory. I've deleted all the contact info for our mutual friends. I'm pruning some branches that sting.

It's funny that I even feel a little less significant in the world- smaller- but I hope that with every blank page I begin with every new day, the chapters get richer and the story takes off and leads to a happy ending.

It's a new day today and I delcare that it will be a good one! :)

Descension of the PsychoBitches

2008-01-31T13:25:00.000-06:00

Although I feel it unbecoming and beneath me to blog about this, I am seriously disturbed by some events in the last 24 hours.

I dated a guy who I haven't been with in almost 6 months. I was with him for 2 1/2 years. We'd known each other for many years before we started dating and in those years when he tried to pusue me, I turned him down.

Why I gave into him at last I'm not quite sure. We had lost touch for a few years after we met and during that time I dated another guy who died in a car accident. About a year after the accident when I was feeling particulary depressed, I ran into this guy again.....let's call him Cassanova because that's what he's turned out to be.

Cassanova recognized me after I'd sang at a bar one night. I was glad to see him and in the years apart, he'd gotten married -again- and I knew it wouldn't last but I couldn't say anything.

We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet for a drink- just to catch up on old times. When the day came to meet, Cassanova called and said he had to work late and that it would be more convenient if he could just stop by the liqor store and swing by my place for one drink since we lived so close to one another.

I'd wanted it to be a public place but my schedule was very busy so I gave in.
Well in a nuthshell, he came over, came on to me despite my trying not to look at him. I was at a very weak point in life and I crumbled- and fell pretty hard.

I'm not proud of us being together in an affair but it happened, it's in the past and life goes on. He has a way of making a woman feel like no words can describe. I felt beautiful, wanted, pursued and I couldn't let go of it. I was so blind I wouldn't believe anything else that what I wanted to believe.

It took 2 1/2 years for that spell to wear off and I thank God every day that it did.

However, Cassanova and I were raised and live in the same part of town. We have mutual friends and travel in similar circles so our paths were bound to cross anyway.
But let me quickly sat what broke the spell........ he had me convinced he was going to get a divorce. Then his wife (Oops) gets pregnant. 4 weeks after the baby is born, they separate and are now getting a divorce.

I moved out of my own apartment and in with my brother. Cassanova and my brother know each other well and Cassanova feels awkward about coming to my brother's house.
I was still seeing Cassanova when he decided to go out on a date with someone else....right in front of me. Cassanove wanted to keep me in his little secret closet.

Now as I've said we tried to remain civil and friends- not working out though. Cassanova's new girlfriend- well one of them because he told me himself that there are 2 others besides her- has taken it upon herself to seize Cassanova's phone, look at all his old messages, take my number and start sending me harassing and threatening messages.

I am very guarded as to who I give my number out to. I am appalled. I am extremely irate. I am extremely hurt. I do not want to change my number. I've told this woman who doesn't even know me that she's blind, I pity her, Cassanova's got other girlfriends and politely asked her not to contact me anymore or I might have to take action against her for harassment.

But who are these Psycho bitches that do this??? I know she thinks Cassanova's going to place her above all else and be committed to her. I was there I used to think that because I was so fricking blind. I wish I could go back and slap myself silly for even considering him.

He's been married and divorced twice.....the second divorce being nowhere near complete. He's got 3 kids by 3 different women. He tells everyone what they want to hear with no follow through. He stood me up countless times and I truly learned what disappointment was in seeing him.

He can have his life and we don't have to be civil if that's what he wants but Psycho bitches like this new girlfriend who goes to every bar in town if she can't get ahold of him- and his soon-to-be ex-wife who's not all that unintellgent but extremely immature and confrontational.......I just can't seem to get away from this.

Is this penance I must pay for my sins? It must be. At least I'm intelligent enough not to confront the other women that Cassanova has lied to unless to enlighten them. If I have a problem with Cassanova or his fidelity I take it up with him- not the flavor of the month.

Maybe rightful blaming 101 should be a class. I can accept when I make a mistake and face the consequences but I don't chase after and harass people I don't even know so I can blame them for my own mistrust or unhappiness.

I needed to vent this out. Hopefully I'll never have another blog topic like it.
I'm still unsure as to what I can do. I can change my number I suppose but I don't want to.

I HATE PSYCHO BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!

It's Friggin COLD Outside!

2008-01-30T11:29:00.001-06:00

Yes I'm a born and raised Minnesotan but no matter how many years of living in this state, one never gets used to the sub zero temperatures. Thankfully spring is just 2 months away.

Yesterday at bowling my team "Stayin Alive" skillfully won a pizza as we all got strikes in the 5th frame of the second game, otherwise known as "Pizza Frame". This is the second pizza we have won as a team this year setting a new record. It's not very easy to do.

As I ate the pizza I chanced to notice this sign denoting Leine's beer of the month:

Leine's Big Butt. Just recently, Fat Tire (not from Leine's) made a come back. Who gets to name these beers?

I just found the Big Butt to be extremely funny for some reason. :)

It was a good afternoond for bowling. My team won 5 out of 7 points, personally I rolled a 179, 191, 144. The first game I matched the magic number of "79" and won a free drink, the second game our team had a score of 777 along with winning the pizza, the third game we all kind of fell apart though. I started off great but had 3 splits in a row and couldn't pull anything back together. I won the card game though.

Only 9 more weeks left of Tuesday bowling and next Sunday the annual highly anticipated "Red Eye League" starts. 10 sunday mornings of loud, rambunctious, and drunken (from some but not myself) behavior. It's a riot, it's 4 games, my brother Robbie and I won it last year and have a title to defend.

He's carrying about a 230 average this year, mine's dropped 10 pins to a 161. Our father and friend Homer are forming a new rival team to match the team of my best friend Troy and Homer's son Dustin.

Not much else is going on in my life at the moment, though it won't be long 'til summer rolls around and I'll be back in the thralls of school and prepping for my sister's wedding.

Stay warm and drink lots of hot cocoa for now!

A Victory

2008-01-29T11:28:00.000-06:00

Maybe someday I'll blog about my trip to Mexico, but while it was a nice change in scenery and was nice and warm amidst Minnesota's deep freeze, it was a rather unintersting trip.

I was worn out, burnt out and spent most of the time sleeping which is what I needed. I'm probably one of few people who go all the way to Mexico for a week long siesta but at least no one could find me there. :)

The last couple months -since I broke up with a guy I was never officially going out with who started dating someone else that I just found out about but it's complicated- way more complicated than it should be but I was too stoopid to see past this guy..... well anyway I've been doing lots of thinking.

I've been telling people that I'm generally content in my being single and though I dont look forward to being singe my whole life, generally I am pretty content. The relationship I was in was extremely unhealthy and it was with a guy, a friend I've known for many, many years.

I couldn't stop myself. I convinced myself that I was completely unhappy and life was over unless I was dating someone and I held on to him with everything I had even though I tried to convince myself and him otherwise.

He's gone on with his dating this other girl......and whatever girl runs in front of his path.

In the past week I've had 2 encounters with him, and though on the first encounter I met his eyes and for a moment felt the same longing to be with him I always had when we were together, I turned my head and life was still able to go on.

The other encounter was last night and he tried to make a pass at me- a pretty good one and I was able to resist.

Now this might not seem a very big victory to anyone else, but to me. Men are my biggest weakness. Having been single for 29 1/2 years and being a woman, I find myself sometimes feeling desperate and hopeless as the dreaded 30th birthday approaches.

I always envisioned myself getting married at 22 or 23, having my kids and going back to a career once they were all in school. That is what I based my life on.

Now being 29, not in a realtionship, not having kids, just deciding a carrer move that will keep me in school another 5 years, I feel like things are backwards and that I don't have anything to dream for or base my life on......but you know what? I do. This is not a realization I've come to recently. Finding contentment took awhile.

I admit I suffered a great deal of jealousy as I watched my friends get married and have kids and I wasn't able to do those things myself. Because of my jealousy I distanced myself from many friends- trying to be happy for them but secretly hating them....well not hating but you know how it goes......

I still had single friends to hang around who felt much the mase as me, perhaps a little too much. And I began to see that where I had placed my feelings in life wasn't healthy.

I Love all my friends- married and single alike. Sure I've created a lot of my own problems and baggage that have perhaps held me back from the kind of relationship I've long desired.
As many people might suggest, I read more of my Bible, prayed and tried to seek God. But seeking God -while it's a great thing- isn't necessarily going to solve and instantly fix all my problems. I have to work on myself and my character.

I can't keep expecting to not change myself except to be more religious and expect every area of my life to start changing at once. I needed some female role models in the area of love and romance......something I never really had as my mom is very passive and though I love her- really not helpful in this area of life.

I have no older siblings. All my cousins on both sides are younger save for one older male cousin on each side. I'm not close to my aunts. I'm not close to women in general because I've been gossiped about and backstabbed too many times. I'm like a blind duck trying to fly over a pond during hunting season.......very easy for a guy to spot me, shoot me down and make me do pretty much whatever.

Fortunately I've taken to feeding my mind with movies and books where there are strong female role models who have the same feelings but are able to deal with the pain of separation.

----perhaps I should've mentioned that I have strong abandonment issues. I've been let down many times; never expect anyone to be there for me or help me, and I have an immensely difficult time letting people go....even if they're the most toxic poison in my life.

Some books I've found helpful in particular are actually from Jane Austen. Even though her books are fictional and considered literary works of art for they was they portray society in the 19th century, they really capture the struggles of single women trying to find that one true love. These women are presented with the possibility of love only to have it torn from them where they have to learn how to deal and carry on with life. They presume to be single forever and they end up having the best romances in the end. But there are no guarantees.

Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion have been very inspirational to me..... especially Ann Elliot in Persuasion. Movies like "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet's character I've found inspiring, where the man she's unrequitedly in love with gets engaged to another woman but still strings her along to where she can't look at anyone else and had to deal with the pain of seeing some other girl where she should be .......... that's totally me, or it was.

I know I'm rambling here but these have been the neverending thoughts on my mind for so very long. These are the thoughts that are holding me back. So when I came across my lover of the last 2+ years I was able to say no- twice- firmly and i'm still ok with it.

No longer do I think saying "no" to a guy is too harsh. (Seriously I used to think that). No longer am I sitting and dreaming of the day when I'll be swept of my feet. If it happens it happens but there is so much more to life.
I'm still trying to figure out what all that "More to life" entails but I know that if I were to get married and have a kid, then what? Will I really let that consume my whole life? That doesn't seem healthy.

I grew up very sheltered, why would I want to go back into such a shelterd existence when I've seen how exciting life can be outside in the open?

So I claim a victory over my old demons this week.

And I know that single guys suffer these feelings as well. I know many great single guys who are where I am (unfortunately I consider them "just friends" or haven't been asked out by any of them :) )

Life goes on and I choose to not let it make me miserable.

Huzzah!

Thursday Chick Bits

2008-01-24T13:36:00.000-06:00

What a week it's been!

Of course the whole world has heard by now that Heath Ledger died. That will undoubtedly give the media something to cover for 6 months.

I'm not a person who had to see every Ledger movie because he was in it, but I really did like him in "10 Things I Hate About You", and "The Patriot".

I don't believe I've seen any of his other movies yet, though someday I'll rent "A Knight's Tale" and "Cassanova". I'm highly anticipating his performance as "The Joker" in the upcoming Batman film with many others I'm sure.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been experimenting in the kitchen again. This time my interest is swayed towrds marinades and breads.

I've had some great results with my experimental teryaki marinade and buffalo marinade. One of my roommates also gave the teryaki a thumbs up.

As for breads, I had a slight incident last night where the butter I pured over the top of the dough to bake it, boiled over to the bottom of the oven where it generated copius amounts of smoke. I had been downstairs and had to open all windows and doors as well as hold a wet rag over my face to get to the oven. My bread was only half-baked but I couldn't finish it due to the smoke so until I have a chance to clean and scrub out the oven, my bread making activites are suspended. :(

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Christmas present from my cousin finally arrived from Canada yesterday. It was the best present EVER!!!!!

Check it out:

A DOCTOR WHO SHIRT!!!!!!!!

Anyone who knows me well knows I'm a very big Doctor Who fan and I'm fortunate enough to have met other such fans as myself at my church, The Rock.

This shirt will be worn much I dare say...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got back from Mexico on Sunday. It was warm/hot; sunny every day. I spent the majority of the time there sleeping----- yes sleeping.

I went on vacation because I was burnt out and just needed a change of scenery, not to mention weather. I slept 11 hours every night with 3 hour naps at least 1/2 of the days I was there.

It's wasn't a touristy place and if you walk a mile you've just about walked thru the whole town.

There wasn't much to do there. I visited my friends who I'd longed to see. I did not get sick this time. But despite this frozen hell here, I'm glad to be back.

My energy returned to me - though is rapidly fading with all the stuff I've been getting done.

Here are the people I went with (minus the 2 kids). From left to right- Joaquin (My friend and co-worker Irma's husband), Irma, me, Lupe (Irma's sister and my former co-worker), Noe (Lupe's husband and Joaquin's brother) and Felix (Joaquin and Noe's cousin who I dubbed "the Little Chihuahua that his family now calls him).

Here we are at a Rodeo- which seemed rather impromtu but we drove an hour thru the mountains to get there. It's a different world down there. As for the rodeo...... it sucked. No one rider lasted more than 5 seconds and there were only 3 rides. Oh well. the ambiance was nice, expecially with the Mariachi band playing off to the side.

More on the trip later.........

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Valentine's Day is around the corner. Every year I have high hopes for this holiday and every year I become more discouraged by it as it becomes more and more marketed and commercialized....as if it's a "couples" holiday. Ok then how about a "single's" holiday, huh?

I still do not view it as a "couples" holiday and usually go out and spend it with friends or family or singles who just want to have a good time. Unfortuantely, I also have good friends who would just as soon bury their heads in the sand until the day was over than celebrate the many other ways in which we as humans "love".

As of yet I have no plans and might hang out with my mom or rent movies and hang out alone. Who knows??? I think I'm gonna wing it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Superbowl Sunday is next weekend.
GO PATRIOTS!

I confess I stopped watching football when the Vikings lost to the Giants 42- whatever it was. Now I try to watch the Superbowl and I enjoy it. I confess I love to see what the Bud Lite ad people have come up with over the year. Generally speaking, I REALLY REALLY LOATHE commercials, but to see them once a year and when they're clever I actually sort of enjoy them.
I think those Bud Lite people are clever but every year I still wait to be disappointed.

Dont know what I'm doing for that even either. My kitchen escapades are making me long to make a bunch of tasty treats but many of my friends are having parties with small groups or house churches. Since I belong to neither this year, I feel a bit left out.

There's another one I'll wing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next 2 months are intense bowling season time. Sunday morning Red Eye league starts in 3 weeks and if we take on additional teams- such as my dad and my brother's bowling teammate from another league, the competition and rivalry will be greatly increased.

My brother Robbie and I won this league last year. He's now carrying a 230-something average while mine has dropped 10 pins this year to a 161.

This week I couldn't keep up a decent game and finished only with a 150, 156, 157.
I hope the extra practice in Red-Eye league along with the Spring Fling bowling tournament will increase my average a bit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's about all I have for now. I have no idea what's going on in the world other than celebrity gossip and only that because it's EVERY WHERE!!!! I can't get away from it- most especially at the grocery store as I stand in line- and being it the kitchen a lot, I'm at the grocery store a lot.

I heard something about George W. changing daylight savings time???? Change it? Get rid of it.

Are we still in Iraq? Who's running for President again? Chuck Norris? (I really do know the answers to those questions- just feel out of touch though).

Until next time..............................

Vacation!

2008-01-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

22 hours from now I will be on an airplane and bound for Mexico City, Mexico- well actually after I get to Mexico City I will have another hour's drive to the town of Chiautla de Tapia which is the hometown of my friend and co-worker Irma.

It's been 10 years sinec I've been to Chiautla; seems like yesterday. It was the first time I was in a non-english speaking country and the first and only time I was away from home at Christmas. I was only a year into learning Spanish and for the most part I was clueless as to what people were saying to me.

This time, I'm super excited to be going. My spanish is almost fluent, I get to see Irma's parent's whom I haven't seen since they moved back to Mexico 8 years ago along with her younger brother and sister.
I've got better drugs to help me combat Montezuma's revenge, and my digital camera is armed with a 4GB chip so I don't have to carry 15 rolls of film around with me like last time.

There's a running joke about me down there though. Last time, while I was there and shortly after I left, every animal I had come in contact with died; all the chickens at Irma's in-laws house, her family's pet bird Chachalaca, her grandmother's donkey.......... and I didn't even tough the bird.

So I've been asked what animals I'm going to mark for death this time.
Hopefully none.

The one thing I'm not looking forward to on this trip is drinking tequila. I can drink with the best of them- if it's been a shit day and I'm angry, but lately I haven't been able to tolerate more than 1 alcoholic beverage at a time. However, Irma's husband, Joaquin, is determiined to see me drink and have a good time..........
The last time I got drunk, someone had to carry me over their shoulder to bed because I lost all feeling in my body from the waist down.

I'm still working out a plan to avoid this scenario. I might have to pull a Coyote Ugly.

Anyway, for the next 8 days I'll be in the warm sun and out of the city smog.

Life is good. :)

Another Lesson In Patience

2007-12-11T15:17:00.000-06:00

In the last few weeks in my time of reflecting on the course of my life, I had the epiphany to go back to school for nursing.
Last night I attended a preliminary meeting to enter this program. Right now I am lacking 3 courses for the prerequisite: Anat/Phys and Nutrition.

I learned that in order to even apply for the nursing program I must have completed all these courses by mid-January. Since that's about 4 weeks away it seems highly unlikely.
I'm good, but not THAT good.

So I cannot apply until next application term which is January 2009. Then if I'm accepted to one of only 30 spots available, I' will be able to actually start the program in January 2010.

What???!!! How does it take an entire YEAR to process one's application????
NEvertheless I have decided this is what I want to pursue, so I hope to start taking classes this summer. No doubt finals will be the week of my sister's wedding, but I've got to get rolling on this. So Looks like I'll be sticking around MN for awhile.

The upside is they're revamping the program so that when I finish in 2012, I'll have a master's degree and not another bachelor's degree. Then I think it's 3 more years to a doctorate of nurse practitioning.

So hopefully by the time I'm 40, I'll finally be able to start my career....... good thing I wasn't planning to retire..... with social security most likely not being available when I hit that age......

Just kidding on that. I am planning to retire at some point.
It's funny how different my life's turning out from the one I always imagined growing up. The tapestry is similar but just has a different pattern.

Baking Season 2007 Has Arrived!!!

2007-12-07T11:32:00.000-06:00

WHY COOKIES SHOULDN'T GET TOGETHER:

BOY MEETS GIRL.......

7-8 MINUTES LATER....... :

It's official. The 2007 baking season is here! Yes it's a season. For 4 weeks out of the year, I turn my kitchen into a mass-producing confection center rivaling the Keebler Elves sham little operation. It's a full-contact sport.

That's right Elves. I'll eat you.

I started out by making 2 of my favorite kinds of cookies. Kris Kringles (the gingerbread men) and Peanut Blossoms. Most of these cookies I give away by taking to work or to the Wednesday night leaguers at the bowling alley. I have spoiled them year-round with cookies actually and now every week they come to expect them like rabid dogs on acid.

I get my fill just in making them- because every batch has to be tasted. It's a complicated process.

Step 1:

Make the threat to the other cookies in the batch. Showing them what will happen if they don't turn out perfect.

Step 2:

Follow thru with threat by decapitation.

Step 3:

Continue

GOING

Step 4:

Extract limbs

GOING

Step 5:

Induce vomiting to prevent Holiday weight gain and caloric intake.

GONE

(just kidding)

Enjoy every last bite because when you're old and lose all your teeth you'll wish you has eaten more while you still could.

And guys, remember that a woman LOVES her chocolate. :)

Let's Go Wild!!!!!

2007-12-01T08:32:00.000-06:00

The first day of December........ it seems like August was just yesterday. Now I hear predictions of a big snow storm coming thru to drop 6-12 inches of snow on us today possibly mixed with rain and or sleet. I hope that's not the case because today is the 35th birthday of one very special friend- Debra- and I don't want her to have to spend it alone. :)

Happy Birthday Deb!

Last night I was invited to attend the MN Wild vs. St. Louis game. It's exceptionally rare that I get invited to sporting events. I was asked by a guy named Stan whom I've bowled on the same league with the past few years. He and I met his nephew Sean and nephew's friend Jason at The Depot bar before heading to Alary's to catch a shuttle to the Excel Center. But before going in, we also hit The Liffy.

The game was pretty good. It didn't have the intensity Canadian teams bring in, but it was enjoyable. The Wild won in overtime 3-2. The 3 guys I went with were very entertaining and really into getting the crowd going. Unfortunately the crowd wasn't very responsive. There was a lot of yelling and clapping and booing. NICE!

We even had a run in with Charlie Brown.......

After the game, we were gived free bottles of "Boost" energy drink. I declined my bottle but Sean insisted that we all take shots of it. it tasted like drinking the milk that's leftover after eating a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. The guys were convinced it was laced with Ex-Lax ir something.

We returned to Alary's but didn't stay there. Instead we went back to The Depot for another drink. Stan brought me back to the bowling alley. I went in to say hi to Uncle Mick and Uncle Ruben. Vern was sitting there with them.....drunk of course. Reveling in his newfound singleness....... It would take me a book to explain all that's gone on with him. I tried to just make it a quick hello and decloned their drink offer but a drink appeared before me anyway.

As soon as I could, I hightailed it to the Parkside lounge to see my circle of friends there. Stan met me there. We talked. I attempted singing which apparently sounded good to the audience. After battling bronchitis for a month now I don't feel I have much of a voice anymore.....and no breath support.

I did the usual massage rounds with Ryan and Josh. Had mostly water to drink with one shot.

There was a Chicano guy there high on peyote buying drinks for the whole bar. I joked iwth Stan that he will wonder where his money went in the morning. We tried declining his offer. He said he was toasting this guy (I assumed he knew but didn't) who apparently served in the military and was toasting him until Johnny -the bartender- tried to step in and tell this chicano guy that the guy he'd been toasting all night was just another neighborhood crack addict and never served in the military. Things started to heat up at that point and so Stan and I left and parted company.

Another fun-filled Friday night.

YAY.
We Also have a new cardboard patron. This guy's living the High Life.

Playing Games

2007-11-26T14:38:00.000-06:00

Another Thanksgiving come and gone.....and all to fast it went. Hope yours was fantastic!

Didn't do too much. As usual I bowled in the annual "Gobbler" tournament. I had a side bet going for each game with a close friend. It was open-ended. The winner gets whatever she or he wants. (within reason).

I lost the first game and the first bet. I now have to cook this friend dinner in "something real nice" which is open to interpretation. :) but I won the other games. In Fact, I took 2nd place among 132 bowlers overall in the second game. Tournament's scratch scores were : 127, 232, 180 for a 539 series. Not too bad. I think I was nervous and hungry that first game.

The rest of the day was spent with my mom's side of the family and my best friend Troy's family (who are a bit more animated than my own family).

I've still been doing a lot of pondering and I've decided I might actually know what I want to be when I grow up. I want a job that's flexible, that I can take anywhere in the world, a job that's challenging but that i'd be good at and one that makes decent money or at least offers unique life opportunities. So 2 weeks from today I am going to attend an info meeting for the nursing program at my alma mater Metro State U.

Yep- I'm gonna go for being a nurse and if I like it well enough, I'd like to become a nurse practitioner. Then if I want to travel or live elsewhere in the world, well I think this profession would make it a heck of a lot easier......but I'm not spreading this around too much just yet. I have to see if I can get in the program for one and figure out the financial stuff as well.

I figure it's time to get going in something. I've been dismally unsuccessful in finding any new employment in the last 18 months nor does anything I might remotely be qualified for appeal to me.
Growing up, I always thought I wanted to be a scientist, or work in an office. Office supplies made me completely giddy. But Having worked in a cubicle for 5 or so years now, I know I more active/interactive job is what would be more fulfilling to me and I'd like to make a difference in what I do. Basically anything I do at my current job is meaningless and all the paperwor I do just gets recycled at the end of the year.

I also feel that I've wated far too much time in pursuit of the elusive "L-O-V-E". I have learned a lot no doubt, and been hurt alot. Every time I try for optimism, I get crushed by the reality of pessimism. As the movie "Enchanted" put it, this is a world where there aren't any happy endings. (the movie was great by the way).

I've always been idealistic and have always believed in love but the more romantic experiences I have, the more pessimistic I become.
Now...... it's not all bad. I still trust there's someone out there for me somewhere but I'm just sick and tired of trying to keep my eyes open. I finally learned to stop "Looking" per se but usually am wary of any opportunities.
My most recent romantic atachments have been filled with ambivalence. As I apporach the threshold of turning 30 I feel the physiological pressure growing. I don't want to pursue a total career/life change because part of me is still on hold.....waiting for that "guy" I will end up with so I can start a family first. But as I don't see that happening any time soon, I've decided to just finally move on.

In the back of my mind is that constant fear or worry "there might not be someone out there. God might really intend for me to remain single and have me give my life to service of some type" and I'm coming to terms with that. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to let go of all these things that are holding my life back......all these things I'm "waiting" for that might never come.

I feel like I've wasted 10 years playing games. Silly, childish games in chasing after love. There has been nothing as prevalent in my mind these last 10 years as that. Love, love, love , love , love and it's finally starting to become sickening.

Case in point, I recently agreed to date a guy some 20 years my senior. I've always fiercely clun to my "age rule" which is I will NOT date anyone more than one year younger or 10 years older than myself. But seeing how an 18 year difference worked for my aunt and uncle (who've been married like 25 years now) I thought I'd give it a shot.

He's recently divorced- not a good start. He was only married a year and a half and I knew the story pretty well before we went out since I'm close to his entire family. I knew it was not a fault of his that caused the divorce so things proceeded. It was a case where my good sense of character proved drastically wrong. I thought one thing- he meant another. It was tug of war, rocky and confusing. He accused me of playing games because I was timid in how much of myself I would give to him having been thru a lot of hurt.

Yet he would convince me he was into me, then say he met someone more his age. I would stop calling him, then a few days later he'd come back saying it was nothing and that he really missed me. I would talk to him, but then something would happen or be said and I'd tell him not to contact me anymore. It came to a point where I made myself ready to give him what he wanted then he decided he felt guilty somehow and hoped to get back together with his ex.

If this sounds confusing- believe me it is. And no one's as confused as I. Yet I am accused of playing games...... well sure I'll play games if I feel I'm getting played.

My only sense of triumph is that I didn't compromise myself with him. I didn't give him everything he wanted, yet this most recent experience has only pushed me further away from that lofty dream of "love" that has obsessed me this last decade.

I've finally tired of chasing love and so if it chooses to chase me then it can chase me and try to win me. Which is probably how it should've been in the first place but I'm impatient as well as impertinient. :o)

So even though I feel as though in the last few months my life has been put in a blender and someone hit the ice crushing button (cuz it's not as bad as puree really) and life just seems al jumbled up right now, things are starting to fall into order- a different order. One I couldn't see as well as before. The pieces might still be falling and sorting themselves out for a little while but I finally feel like some sort of path has been illumintaed for me.

I guess i'l have to wait and see how this nursing meeting goes in 2 weeks and will have to pray very hard but I'm optimistic about this path as I grow less optimistic with old paths.

Thursday's Thoughts

2007-11-15T16:11:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been thinking about things that matter. "What really matters in life?" is a question I face daily.
For one, family matters. Family is the core of our lives; the people we don't necessarily "choose" to love. They're the ones we're "supposed" to love whether we really like them or not. (Fortunately most of them are choosingly lovable :O )
Then there are friends. Friends help us in lifting us up, or helping us find our place in the world.
The funny irony is that for those of us who are still single, our friends are part of our daily lives- family perhaps less so- yet we spend all our major holidays with people we spend less time with rather than more time with.

I'm all for spending holidays with the relatives, but only seeing them twice a year I feel like there's nothing worth talking about. My friends who are with me in the trenches every day are the ones i'd rather be celebrating with- but I digress.

Jobs matter. Without them we cannot sustain ourselves unless we rely on the charity of others.

And the one that should be on the top of the list, GOD, is somehow found at the bottom of this list. I can't say my spiritual walk is thriving- neither is it dead. It's just there when I want to pay attention to it.
Every day I have intentions of doing more to make it grow but after tending to these other things that matter, I find I'm too exhausted to do anything. Some might say to tend to God first thing in the day. Well, not being a morning person, and being the person I am I know that my best time of day is at night. But also I'm just plain lazy. I will do nothing in the morning before I have that first cup of coffee.

I ws reading my friend Craig's blog about having good intentions and I found it inspiring. I find that the more I read anyone's blog I find out not how much we're all different as human beings, but how much we're all so similar.

We all have ambitions. things we want to do in our lives. We all have our family and friends to gab about. We all have our jobs- well most of us. We all have our things we like and things we dont like.

So what REALLY matters?????
If I woke up one day and found out it was the last day I'd be alive in this world, would I spend the whole day praying and talking to God???? No, I'm sure I wouldn't. I don't think any of us would.

Which of these so-called things that matter would I devote most of my remaining time to?
It wouldn't be my family. Sure I'd call them, tell them I love them, maybe write letters.

Would I go to work? HELL NO! Even though I spend the majority of my waking hours devoted to a job just to pay the bills; even though most of my life is spent among co-workers, I wouldn't even give my job a second thought.

So how about friends? Would I spend the day partying the time away? Taking a road trip and just having good times? Probably not. I'm sure I'd at least spend a few hours with them but not an entire day.

A lover? Well not currently having one would complicate that, but even going and spending the day with an ex who I once loved wouldn't be fulfilling.

I wouldn't want to spend the day alone. So.............what would I do? What REALLY matters so much I would devote my remaining hours to do it???
And for right now, the only answer I can come up with is : helping others. Serving food at a homeless shelter. Spending time with those who have no one to comfort them- like those in a hursing home. I would spend time doing the things I really enjoy- like singing or painting or writing.

Beyond that, I can't think of anything that truly matters in life. Then I ask myself why every single day I do have I spend my time doing things that don't matter? Losing all the chances to do what does matter.
Greed, fleshly desires, selfishness, lack of self-control.......

Gee, that makes me feel like crap. Resolving to change though seems a lofty goal. I've never been able to attain it. So it comes back to the spiritual life. Only God can bring about true change and he's at the bottom of my barrel. Makes me think I have some re-organizing to do.

So for anyone who actually reads my blog and thinks I've been a ghost lately....this is why. i've spent the last several months trying to find out 1. what really matters? and 2. trying to find the best way to reorganize and to some strategy development.

To my friends: you DO matter and I hope this didn't make it sound like you don't. You're the encouragement, the foundation that's built on the rock.

Think that's all the concentration I have for today. :)

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T15:04:00.000-05:00

Looks like we'll be blizzard free this Halloween. I have to say it's been a beautiful day. There's nothing like not working on nice days such as this; except when it's not working because you have the latest highly infectious plague going around.

After being sick from October to March last year I thought I accumulated enough immunity to last awhile. I was wrong. I've spent the last week weak, light-headed, stuffed up, coughing up thick green goo, and lost my voice.
Being sick sucks. On top of that, I've had to use vaction time to cover time away from work and I've spent my time off cleaning and moving instead of resting.

It's official though....I'm now living in a house again- even if it is with 2 guys. I already miss my apartment but it was time to move on- or I thought it was.
Since my sister's engagement announcement last week, looks like I'll be stuck in MN until next September now.
I sill know I will move out west, it's just that the timing seems to be off in this.

These last couple months I've tried hard to do some soul searching and reflecting. I can't say I'm closer to any answers but I have a better picture of which direction I want my life to go in and for me that's a huge step because I feel like I've been wandering around aimlessly for most of my 20s.
Though I've yearned to go back and continue school I've decided that it's just not where I really want to be right now. Maybe I still don't know exactly what I want- but at least I know more of what I do NOT want.

Anyway I just had some time to kill before facing a new doctor in a little while. There's nothing like sitting in a CAribou and being the only person wearing a Halloween costume.
I think America has really lost it's sense if festivity. Everything is rush rush rush leading to half-asses jobs and half-assed enthusiasm.

Well time to see what the doctor has to say.....

The First Stage of Moving

2007-10-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

My apartment is now bare. All furniture has been removed and it's hard to believe that I have one week left there after living there for over three years. it feels like I just moved in.

For those of you who don't know, I surrendered my apartment and my privacy in order to not be tied to a lease when I finally make the big jump and move to the West coast.

My plans for that move have been fraught with financial issues, family issues, and work issues.

Originally I was going to move there this month until I had to come up with $1000 in unforseeable expenses. Since then I've revised the plan to move in March and have been pretty firm in that. I got out of my lease; I'm moving in with my brother.

Now just when things seemed to start falling into place, my sister announced this weekend that she is engaged and getting married in August. As her only sister I kind of expect to be in the wedding.......something that would be hard to do if I move out west because I couldn't afford to come back so soon. Now I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I move anyway and just hope I can work out dress fittings in Washington, as well as come up with enough money to come back in August?

Or do I postpone my move -yet again- until September???

One just can't plan on anything. Yet I still feel a great pull to go out West. Perhaps I'm meant to go but the timing just isn't right yet.

So if anyone wants somthing to pray about, a little wisdom and guidance as to what I should do would be nice.

I also hope that living with my brother and his friend will be ok. I don't want to have to be the housemaid for 2 guys but my brother Robbie is my closest sibling. He's got a great heart and a good sense of humor.

Thursday Chick-Bits

2007-10-04T14:43:00.000-05:00

This week has been crazy. No, I mean it CRAZY!!!!!!!

Here are a few events in my life from the past week:

- my car died. It seems the new starter I just had put in was also bad.

-I accidentally laundered my brand new $330 digital camera which now no longer works.

- I went to a friend's mom's wake ....a day early. The funeral home was conspicuously empty.

- I attended a surprise b-day party for my Russian teacher and tried pickled herring and escargot for the first time. I felt bad that one of her daughter's is going thru a rough time; having discovered her husband of 10 years was having an affair with the next door neighbor. I wanted to talk to her about it, but she doesn't know that I know and is a very private person.

- The supervisor of the division I work with (who used to be me boss) decided she'd had enough of the BS and quit with 4 days notice. I am now involved as of an hour ago to help plan the surprise going away party. Good to have 16 hours notice I guess.

- I attended a food show; which is like going to the State Fair only indoors with better food and it's free.

-I spent a night watching the "Saw" movies (which were surprisingly good) with my Russian teacher's recently divorced son- who's 20 years my senior. I thought it was just a movie marathon. I'm pretty close with the family. Apparently he wanted it to be more. YIKES! I've been in turmoil over it all week........he's HOT and a gentleman but YIKES!!!

-One of my best friends is a new daddy this week; a month early. There's volumes to this story but not appropriate for this blog.

-One of my favorite business associates has quit his job and moved on. I will miss seeing him. But some of my friends work within that firm so I got to see one of my HOT friends, John, and his equally hot friend Brit this week. John's been my friend outside of work for several years and I hadn't seen him in over a year. He brought me lunch yesterday.

- I'm in the process of moving out of my apartment and in with my brother for the winter until I move to the West coast in March- at least that's still the tentative plan.

- I'm bowling in a tournement on Saturday.

So I'm a bit on emotional overload this week. It's been surprising. It's been fun. It's been perplexing, happy, sad, busy, anxious and CRAZY!!!!

That's where I'm at. It's been especially hard in my romantic life because though I'm glad to be single and only have to be responsible for me, I also wouldn't mind being tied down. Ever since my decision to move though, men have come out of the woodwork to say they're in love with me, or want to go out with me.

Where were these guys before??? And though they're all different and I have different things in common with each of them, none of them- I feel- is right for me; yet I find most of them to be great temptations as far as my flesh goes. It's like Satan knows my biggest weakness and it's being thoroughly exploited at present.

But I'm persevering. I've become turned off to any guys who say they are turned on by me.
I could definitely use some alone time with God and I hope after I move I'll be able to find that time.
It's a plus I'm moving to a neighborhood I can take walks in. Right now I live on one of the worst gang, drug, hooker, drive-by corners in St. Paul.

Guess that's about all I've got for now.

This week's bowling scores: 146, 170, 201.

Need to work on those first games.

Counting My Blessings

2007-09-20T12:15:00.001-05:00

Wow, has it really been a month since I've blogged?
I have to say without a doublt this has been the busiest summer of my life; trouble is I have difficulty recalling where all the time was spent.

A couple things have struck me this week that have me pondering things in my life. First, my best friend wrote me that:

" ur existance has become depraved of anything good. You have been scurrying around doing this and that to bide ur time. You are not connected to anything. But passionate about everything. Ur heart longs, but your willingness to be transformed is mute. "

And further goes on to welcome me to what he calls demonhood.

Yesterday, Adam blogged about baptism and church community and it got me thinking about how I have sort of abandoned the community that's always supported me when everyone else has abandoned me.

With all the events of the summer, I feel like I could blog endlessly. It's been a summer of searching, but rather aimlessly. It's been a time of seriously thinking where I want my life to go and seriously trying to view myself as an adult because so many days I wake up and still expect ot be in high school. I still expect someone else to handle all of life's more difficult tasks and I just have to kind of take responsibilty.

I spent some time last night reflecting that I am nearing my 30th birthday. I am -like it or not- a full blown adult and must now shoulder 100% of adult responsibility and burdens. This includes setting an example for those younger than I. I've thought about all the great role models I had growing up. People who had passion, aspirations, and maturity. They were then younger than I am now. That makes me feel like I'm dismally failing at life.

I have one dream in which I dare place my hope--- to get married one day and have children. Beyond that I find I have no real ambition or aspiration. I've never been one to say "That's exactly what I'm going to do with my life or be when I grow up." For the longest time I didn't even want to have a family. I didn't want anything.....with the exception of friends.
Growing up being as shy as I was, I didn't have many of those but there were a few. I found that most of my high school friendships were very superficial, as were those in college.

As Troy put- I'm passionate about everything but connected to nothing. To some degree that's true. There are few things I'd say I was truly passionate about; singing or anything music, writing Doctor Who, but I've always had a hard time figuring out what I don't like. And in that I find myself disconnected from everything.......always trying to observe at a distance.

Is this really something I like? or don't like?

It was very much like that in my church/spiritual life. I half-assed it as with everything else I did. Then I started going to the Rock- my present church. The starvation for fellwship and friends; conversations with a group of people my age was suddenly fulfilled and I felt a willingness to be transformed more than ever before. Just as I had started attending this church I was overcoming several recent traumas and was so broken.

I got involved. I integrated into a great community, but over these last 4 1/2 years I've shirked more responsibility rather than take on more. My willingness for transformation is fading and my fellowship with this great community is falling away on my end, yet still I feel it reaching out to me; not willing to let me go and it gives me such great hope in such a depressing, depraved world.

When nearly no-one on my guest list showed up for my birthday party- the church community just showed up and filled the place and I had one of the greatest birthdays ever. I often get cards or e-mails or messages on holidays from my friends at the Rock. I don't get that from family or other outside friends.

Maybe this is just a rambling blog from this flood of emotion I'm feeling. I agree that you get out what you put into something. Lately I've been feeling that starvation for fellowship again. I haven't been around my community so that 's my fault. Then I think of my family and how most days I feel I have nothing in common with any of them and I must have been adopted, but then how often do I visit them?

It's pretty sad when most of my family lives within 20 miles of me and I only see them maybe twice a year. So what if they don't make an effort to get to know me either? Why can't I make the effort?

It brings me to other things. I dislike my job. It's tedious and boring. With no raises in 3 1/2 years I've had to take on a part time second job. I've been working 70 hours a week, but I have the ability to do that. I have a car that runs to get me to and from. I don't have to rely on anyone else to take care of me. I can buy things and have food to eat.

I've been uncomfortable giving up my private space at my apartment to help out a friend. I miss my space, but I have someone who cleans for me when I'm gone. I have someone who's there with me so I'm not alone and therefore don't feel the terrible lonliness I used to feel when I spent a night at home.

I've got people who care about me, tell me they love me, pray with me, ask about me, and help me when I need it. And more than any amount of money, more than any number of parties, more than anything I do not have- I have community........and I am blessed.

No I am not perfect. Yes I backslide. Yes I'm a hipocrite. Yes I drop the ball and I am human but I am blessed and more than anything in my life just knowing that is what moves me the most and what gives me the most hope that tomorrow will be better.

So THANK YOU to all my friends who take the trouble to be caring and responsible and good rold models. Thanks for not giving up, thanks for all you do!

-------------------------------------------------------------------
This week's bowling scores: 143, 175, 198.

Afternoon Break

2007-08-13T14:14:00.000-05:00

It's Monday afternoon. Do you know what that means?
Well brainless, it means it's time for an afternoon snack. That's right.

What could be better on a hot Monday afternoon than a special ice cream treat?

MMMMM...vanilla ice cream with raspberries. Or as I learned in Spanish - nieve vanilla con frambuesas. Even my Mexican co-worker couldn't remember the spanish word for "raspberry". Her mind is being consumed with English words.

The only downside to this little delicacy is that the raspberry seeds get stuck in my teeth; hence reminding me why I generally avoid rasberries even though they're tart and savory.

Some of you may still be up at a cabin right now- or on a fishing trip. To you I say- you don't know what you're missing by skipping out on work and thus skipping out on this little afternoon delight most enjoyed while sitting at one's desk while trying to think of something else to do.

Sucks to be you!!!!! --

Nah I'm just kidding.

PS: the new Pompeii exhibit at the Science Museum was pretty cool. I forgot how big the screeen actually is at the Omnitheater.

PPS: Happy Birthday Luker!!!

Last night's bowling scores: 186, 166, 152.

Last week's league scores: 126, 134, 135- ouch!

The Making of Mini-Donuts

2007-08-10T14:36:00.001-05:00

These past few weekends I've taken on a second job in an effort to raise money for my migration to the West coast.

Welcome to the world of Mini-donuts and midgets; caramel apples and Carnies; freaks and funnel cake.

Yes, this is the netherworld I've chosen to enter for the summer.

The head of this operation, or GRK Inc is my uncle Phil.

Just look at the rides in the backgroud that somehow make him look like a carnie propheteer!

I must say that although it's hard work and grueling hours- I worked 30 hours with little more than 1/2 hour break each day over the course of 2 1/2 days- but the money is pretty good. Hence the altername for my uncle's enterprise. GRK= Get Rich Kwik.

Here my cousin Jenna demonstrates the magic that is mini-donut making.

Look at all that glorious, fattening oil! It takes the donutes less than 2 minutes to fully cook. Truthfully, i've lost my appetite for them just seeing at how they are made. I can't handle watching food take in absorbitant amounts of grease.

But of course there's the saving grace of the special ingredients: Love and sunshine. :)

I finally and skillfully mastered the atr of making funnel cakes.

I was even given "Superstar" status by my uncle come me second weekend.

Just look at the perfection in this cake. It's like Ambrosia for Carnies. It will make you live forever- or die prematurely from clogged atreries. Results aren't in on that yet.

I even got to go to Hibbing to see my best friend's nieces, Kristen, Shauna, Mallorie, and Kacey (not pictured). You can tell this pic was taken towards the end of a 14 hour day. I look quite baked myself.

At least I won't have to submit to all my carnie cravings at the upcoming State Fair. I think I've satisfied most of them this summer already.

A Day Late and $620 Short

2007-08-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

So I've decided to move out west and to do so near the beginning of October. I got my lease papers and checked my intent to vacate. Of course I failed to notice the paperwork was due July 31st instead of August 1st as I had thought.

Normally I have a 4 day grace period in which to pay rent so I didn't think a few hours would make a difference. Boy was I WRONG!

My paperwork was returned to me with a note saying because I was a day late, I am now responsible for rent for October plus a $25 charge for a month to month rate-even though it doesn't put me on the month to month plan.

So much for being a good tenant I guess. For 3 years I've paid my rent on time and not rocked any boats and I get this slap in the face. Now granted, those extra few hours I was late in handing in my paperwork isn't really going to make a difference to the powers that be of my apartment complex. It does however make a HUGE difference to me that I am now stuck for another month's rent which means I may as well get my money's worth and spend another 4 weeks with my neighboring crackwhores and gangster wannabes.

I do love my apartment but I am frustrated that shit happens.
So I am just going to take my anger out on this blog.

My best friend's working on me to wait 'til spring to move so I can pay down more debt. I now find myself considering this plan but the real reason for the move-a certain man in my life with whom I have a realtionship that is ripping me apart from the inside out- will still remain and I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle another 6 months in the Twin Cities.

Seems I've never been able to plan anything and have it turn out the way I planned it. I can't seem to get my ducks in a row and that just makes me want to pull out a rifle and shoot them instead.

It makes me want to get knocked up, go on welfare and become a raging alcoholic so I don't have to deal with life's problems. (I have no intention of doing that by the way)

In the end, guess I'm stuck here another 4 weeks- unless that is I get a marriage proposal which I told my mom is the only thing that would make me stay. Somehow I don't forsee that happening though.

This week's bowling scores: 144, 218, 179. I beat my brother and Homer 1 game. YES!!!

Summer Adventures 2007: Take 2

2007-07-24T14:54:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was the kind of summer weekend I live for; getting out of town.

Once again I had the pleasure of my friend Mike's company and he was a trooper yet again in accompanying me to my family's cabin on Big Lake in Richmond, MN.

After being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic for a good 30 miles, we stopped at Cabella's in Rogers to get Mike a new fishing rod. I had never been to a Cabella's before. Holy sports equipment! And holy prices ot match! Yeah I guess they had some reasonably priced stuff, but it probably wouldn't be my first choice in places to shop for sporting goods.

Fortunately the traffic broke up soon after Rogers and we made it to the cabin shortly before dinner. Mike and I decided to take a quick reckie around part of the lake before making our grand entrance by boat to the cabin. I'd never arrived by boat before.

About 75 feet from the cabin, Mike's boat ran out of gas- and I mean completely out. Neither of us had remembered to check if we needed gas at the 2 gas stations we stopped at on the way up.

He got out the one little oar he has for his 16 foot boat, but it was just windy enough to make it pretty problematic. Fortunately I had my cell phone on me and called into the cabin. My dad and sister's boyfriend, Joe, ferried out some gas to us. ......so much for the grand entrance.

It was kind of funny though.

I also found it pretty humorous that my mom, who was hell bent on having steaks for dinner and therefore said I didn't need to bring the kabobs I'd made, couldn't wait for me to pull out the kabobs so she could try one. it was almost obsessive. :) In fact, the kabobs went in a hurry as they became the preferred dining choice. Even my uncle Jerry, who was a chef at one time, said they were outstanding.

After dinner, Mike and I decided to try fishing. It's been a long time since I'd caught any fish in our lake. As it happened i did catch one little bitty sunfish. Mike had a couple nice bass, including this one:

It was a beautiful day up there.

We stayed out fishing until just after 10pm when the stars came out. The bugs started to get bad so we packed it up and were about to head in, when Mike couldn't get the boat started. We knew we had gas this time, but it was the battery that had died. He had 2 other batterires in the boat, but knew they were both also dead. That didn't stop him from trying them though, but alas to no avail.

He did what he said was the "unthinkable" and pulled the top off the motor so he could try to pull start it. The given rope was exceedingly small so he tried a longer rope. No luck. I suggested we call in for help again, but Mike was determined not to do that.

Fortunately for us, the lake was as calm as glass. We took the 1 oar. I sat at port bow, he at starboard and we paddled our way in.

Grandpa and Joe were sitting on the dock as we got in. I told them we were travelling in stealth mode though I know they didn't believe me.

The battery got put in the charger straight away.

Saturday morning, we went for a walk and as we got back, my uncle Jerry rode up in his Harley. the 2 of us had a cigarette and chatted until the rest of the gang got back from town.

Mike and I decided to try fishing one more time. He caought a couple more bass. I got nothing.

Just after noon, we procedded to drive to his family's cabin on Mille Lacs.

This time there were no boat problems! We trolled around. Mike got a couple walleye including a 16-incher we were able to keep. We stayed on the lake 'til 10:30 or so drinking Vodka lemonades.

There was a band playing at the picnic pavillion so we decided to catch the end of it.

As we walked up to the pavillion, Mike saw the drummer laying in the grass with an almost empty bottle of vodka. The band had picked a guy out of the audience to fill in and he was actually very good. We caught the last 3 songs or so. The lead singer had left mid-set go go drink with some people and she wandered in at the end. I almost wanted to take up the microphone myself. It all ended when the fill in drummer started a drum solo at behest of the audience and the original drummer got off the grass, walked up and kicked over his own drum set.

There were some people we hopped on a golf cart with to go hang out with but we ended up somewhere we did not intend which was hosted by a lesbian who was not shy about proclaiming her orientation to anyone. When she came up to me she told me she wouldn't hit on me because she knew I was married- which I'm not and how she deduced that is beyond me.....but hey- if it kept her from hitting on me.......

We soon left that little gathering, Mike cleaned the walleye and cooked up a Heggie's pizza that he insisted I try. By 1:30am we were both snoozing on the couch so in a brief moment of consciousness I crawled upstairs to bed while Mike meandered down to the bedroom.

Sunday morning it was rainy. That didn't stop us however, from taking a 4-wheeling trek.

I'd never driven a 4-wheeler before in my life. Mike gave me the basics. Fortunately I drove his mom's which is an automatic.

On our way out of the resort, the guy operating the security bar across the driveway must not have seen me behind Mike because he brought the bar down right away. I thought I could clear it until it belted me in the head. I quick checked for blood-- none-- so I was good to go.

We rode quite awhile all the time it got rainier. Mike decided to try an "adventure trail" he saw. Adventure was right......though I don't know if you could call it a trail. I fared pretty well for the first half of it. Then on one turn I thought I was in Mike's wake, but suddenly I found myself on the ground with a rolled over 4-wheeler. Mike was oblivious to this happening and kept on riding.

Somehow I managed to roll the 4-wheeler back over and get it restarted. I caught up with him a good 1/4 to 1/2 mile down the trail where he'd gotten off and started to walk back to find me. He would've had a long walk. When I told him what hed happened he couldn't believe it; saying he's never rolled one before. I said "when you fall off the horse you just have to get right back on though". He said "don't fall off the horse".

A little further down the trail, I thought I was going to roll again. It was a flase alarm. All I did was throw myself off as I went one way and the wheeler went the other. I had a good hard land on my left kidney. But I got back on and caught up to Mike, who was once again oblivious to what happened.

When I told him he just got a concerned look and told me to be careful, still in disbelief how I could fall off. From there on out, he watched me and told me to be careful at every turn and hill.

Hey- it was my first 4-wheeling experience but after that trail 4 wheeling was a piece of cake!

It was a good 30 mile run and we got back just drenched.

After drying off and cooking up lunch, we took the boat out for one last fishing excursion.

This time I scored with a 21" walleye!

Mike also scored with a 36"+ Northern! It was a monster fish- the biggest I've ever seen come out of a lake!

Despite all the trials and injuries I had an absolute blast! Another successful summer weekend.

Cheers!

Last week's bowling scores: 154, 162, 156. go figure I only needed a 155 for a free drink.

Tuesday Chick-Bits

2007-07-24T14:40:00.000-05:00

I had 2 good ideas for blogs today. At present I can remember neither one of them. Crap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what I hate? Televisions in restaurants. Sure it can be a good ice breaker, but it really gets under my skin when I take time out of my day to meet a loved one or aquaintance for a meal and we are unable to converse because the blasted TV is constantly running.

It's just crap anyway. Most of the time it's neverending news like CNN, Etc- and it's the SAME news. Someone just robbed something, or got robbed or killed. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Lindsay Lohan gets arrested for drunk driving, Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Paris Hilton, Iraq, Iraq ,Iraq. Ughhhhh. Just give me the damn gun already!

Im ok.

Now I remember one pf my blog topics. How could I forget?????????
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This weekend I will be starting my 2nd job for the next couple months, therin increasing my weekly work hours from 42 to 65+. Yay......there's something to look forward to this summer.

------------------------------------------------------------------

ISTP

2007-07-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

Anyone ever take a personality test?

I've taken many quizzes and free personality tests and surprisingly I remain rather consistent in the label I'm given.

Can't say that I claim to know which personality test was devised by whom but some of my results are:

sanguine-melancholy

Idealist (< 20% of the population)

SI -from the DISC test

Today from the Myers-Briggs test, I am an ISTP which is an artisan or craftsman (or in my case woman).

Basically in all these tests I am a natural introvert but with an adventurous/potentially reckless streak. I tend to let things build up inside me and guess I could be considered passive-aggressive.

I like to know how things work.
I'm dominant in group situations if I feel the group is slacking off; though I prefer to work independently.

I guess nothing these tests tell me is anything I didn't already know about myself, yet I still find them interesting to take. Like I'm ego-centric.

Just count the number of times I say or write "I". That should tip you off. :)

Today is a day of classic professional boredom. Most of the time I don't feel like any sort of "professional". I just want to crawl in bed and take a 2 week siesta.

This weekend can't get here soon enough.

Monday Randomness

2007-07-16T10:37:00.000-05:00

I'm oblivious to worldly or even local news so I have no new opinion on any burning issues of today.

------------------------------------------------------

Over this past weekend I attended my youngest maternal cousin's hight school graduation party. It was nice to spent time with family and not be exhausted from being out all night the night before. Many family functions like Thanksgiving or Christmas eves I spend out partying and singing karaoke and am therefore usually found snoozing on the couch of whichever relative's house I'm at the day after.

----------------------------------------------------------

I still haven't heard anything back about my bloodwork from the week before last. I suspect that I'm still healthy and my 24 day menstrual bleeding was nothing serious. Probably hormonal. Sometimes I dislike being a woman.
Fortunately with every problem I do not have, the outlook is good for child bearing someday.

------------------------------------------------------------
So many people I know seem to be getting layed off. Is the economy slowing? Why don't there seem to be jobs out there for people who need them?

------------------------------------------------------------
I still haven't quite figured out how I'm going to make this move to Canada. More and more things keep popping up that tempt me to stay and rethink my plans though in my heart I know it would be a great move for me to go. Please pray for me anyone who reads this.
--------------------------------------------------------------

The new Harry Potter movie is good, I'd say better than the last but can't even come in any close comparison to the book. I await the release of the next book with eager anticipation.
Most people are predicting the death of Ron Weasly.

---------------------------------------------------------------
The boss is out for the next 3 weeks. Coincidentally, I seem to be working much faster and have less work, especially since my boss left me an e-mail to delegate my work for reason if training to a co-worker. It's going to be a very long afternoon when I'll have nothing to do but watch dust settle on my cubicle for at least 4 hours.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Looking forward to the weekend already. I'm anxiously awaiting a trip to both my family's cabin and my friend Mike's cabin. For now my mind's stuck in nostalgia from the last camping trip.

Summer Camping Trip 2007

2007-07-12T06:51:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I merrily joined some friends for our annual summer camping trip. It started as an annual pilgrimage to the North Shore but has since become a migrating trip to a different place each year.

This year we hit Itasca State park to visit the Mississippi headwaters.

Unfortunately in all my headwaters pictures, no one failed to inform me the wind blew my bandana straight in the air thus making me look like a red klan member.

For the uninformed, the Mississippi River starts as an overspill of Lake Itasca.
The weekend was frought with adventure, well at least we tried to make it adventurous.

I brought my friend Mike- an avid fisherman.

He was truly a sport in hanging out with me and 4 people he'd never met before. My friends were thrilled that he brought his boat along. Our goal was to fish the waters of Itasca and Long Lake (where we camped) and have a fish fry Saturday night.

Unfortunately, the fish you see above was about the biggest we caught. There were many large fish jumping all around us. We just couldn't catch them. --Another thing I'll mention about MN northern lakes is that many of them are exceptionally clear watered. Long Lake was about the clearest lake I'd ever seen.

Sunday after breaking camp, the 6 of us decided to head to Bemidji to take in the sights and see Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. These statues were far cheesier than I remember of those formerly in Brainerd.

Seriously, Babe looks like he just smoked the world's biggest joint and Paul looks like he's wearing football gear under that grunge era flannel shirt.

Being the group of silly touristy people we are, we decided to play a round of mini golf a la Paul Bunyan themed. This is where our inner children shined.

This Picture looks wrong in many ways.

Every year we make Vern, the biggest guy in our group, crawl into the tiniest place we can find for a picture. Lately he's even taken to scoping out his own spots for us.

In the end, I made par for the course with 61!

After Bemidji, Mike and I decided to take the long way home and go through Brainerd. He's more familiar with fishing out of North Long Lake so we gave one last attempt at finding a decent sized fish for the weekend.

When we arrived at North Long, the water was about 6 inches deep at the public access. Fortunately, a couple of big dudes emerging from their kayaks like the Norse vikings helped push Mike's boat into the water.

From then on, we couldn't stop catching fish!

It was really hard to leave the lake but we knew we had to return home at some point.

Getting out of the lake was a bit of a challenge. It may look easy, but pushing a 16 foot boat through sand to try to reach the boat trailer is not a quick process. The viking kayakers had since departed so it was up to us, but we were succesful in the end.

Long story short- it ws one of the best camping trips ever!!!

Last night's bowling scores: 164, 189, 189. Missed my 189 triplicate :(

CANADA OR BUST, EH!

2007-06-13T14:25:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago I joined my family in celebration of my youngest brother's college graduation. During the weekend of festivities I had the opportunity to spend some time with relatives from out of town, mainly British Colombia in Canada.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I've been trying to get out of Minnesota to no avail for some time now. I also knew my aunt and uncle wanted me to com visit for awhile. I've thought and prayed about it and didn't quite know how to present it to them.

Then a situation arose where I sat alone with Uncle Doug and Aunt Wendy. I was scared to ask but figured this was the opportune moment. I asked them how they would feel about me coming to stay with them. They were all for it. Then I added, "for about a year" and they were still all for it.

Tentatively I have projected October 10th to be the day I hit the road for Canada. There're still a lot of logistics that need to be worked out. I'm scared to death of leaving everything safe and familiar, but I also feel like a great weight has been lifted from me as well. I'm excited for the adventure and to see where life takes me; even if I just end up back here- at least I know i'll have tried it. (that's a passive sentence if I ever wrote one)

The thing that weighs most heavily on my mind is leaving behind my friends and my church. Sure I'll miss my family but vacations taken to come back and visit will most likely be consumed with family visits. It's my friends I'll miss out on and while I'll make new friends, I can never replace the old.

Some of these friends I know I'll have to say goodbye to forever. Not because I couldn't keep in touch, but because they're the catalysts for my decision to leave. They're the friends I both love to death and hate; the ones with who my life has been deeply entwined and entangled and now is the time to detangle my life and start putting things right.

So I pray I'm able to raise the funds to embark on this journey. I plan to work weekend in my Uncle Phil's mini-donut truck and whatever else I can. It will be a proud day for me when I can go into my boss' office and say "I QUIT!". My job's been great to me but I should've left 6 years ago.

Last night's pre-bowl scores: 158, 137, 191. Breaking in the new Spitfire.

Tonight: We're gonna win Twins!

The Birds!

2007-05-21T17:02:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was little, I've liked Alfred Hitchcock's movie "The Birds". I even remember writing about how "everybody got all bloody" for a 1st grade assignment.

Generally I've had no reason to have a rapport with birds in any other way but good- geese being a whole different subject.

This summer I've decided to have a garden on my deck.

This "Little" project that is surmounting to a small fortune has apparently been dubbed as prime real estate for a couple of robins.

Not one week after I bought and hung some baskets of flowers, this is what I discovered:

What the hell? Apparently Robins love mobile homes as much as a certain demographic of people do. I won't expound there since I feel like maintaining an atmosphere of niceness on my blog- for today at least.

So I was faced with a dilemma. Surely these industrious beasts couldn't be deprived of their new home. I couldn't blame them for their locale. It's airy, it's pretty, and it smells nice.

However, letting them take over my plant like the uprising of union workers, I would have to let my plant suffer and probably die. Reluctantly I decided to let the nest remain.

A few days later I pulled the basket down and found one egg in there. Yesterday I found a couple more....

The blue eggs looks kind of pretty in the pink wilderness there. I'm finding it hard to work in my garden with mama bird or "Robin" as I call her sitting on the nest. If i keep her away too long the egs might get neglected.

I am looking forward to seeing the little baby birds-not to listen to their incessant chirping when they hatch but I'll have to suffer the bad with the good.

Next year I'll have to remember to spray my plants with chemicals to keep the birds out. i'm all for the miracle of life in whatever form, but I think this is an experience best left to once a decade or something.

Last Wednesday's bowling scores: 191, 168, 212.
This average is gonna be a killer to maintain.

I finally got my hand fitted for my new Storm Spitfire ball, though the Storm Shock Trauma still seems to be working quite well for me.

The Ides of May

2007-05-16T07:58:00.000-05:00

So I'm a day late and a dollar short for the actual Ides of May but close enough.

Lately it seems I have little to no free time and it's wearing on me. I'm rapidly approaching my 29th bithday with both excitment and with a bit of regret. My 20s are almost gone and how have I spent them? True I've attained my college degree but after that I've done nothing but learn how to spent time at the bar and learn how to be promiscuous.

Then I've spent a few years trying to unlearn how to be promiscuous and attain and maintain a single, steady relationship to no avail.

The more positive things I've done are pursue learning more languages, art, and trying to set more goals and see them thru.

For all my hopes and desires to be married one day, I really don't mind the single life. Life is full though it seems somewhat shallow with a big part missing.

I'm very eager to see where the next decade of my life will take me....and the rest of this year. So far 2007's been a pretty good year for me. My brother Robbie and I have won all our leagues in bowling. Tonight is the second night of summer league. I'm going to get my new ball drilled today.

Last week's bowling scores: 205, 135, 167. Not a bad start. :)

Winds of Change

2007-05-15T11:42:00.000-05:00

These past few months I've had the privilege of learning the Russian language. I say privilege because we live in the United States of America; where we're free to study and learn whatever we want.

Over these last months I've befriended my Russian teacher, a 76 year old Ukrainian woman named Svitlana.

I admit that learning Russian was never a goal in my life. Never would I have thought that one random choice would so profoundly impact my life as it has.

It's easy as a (somewhat) young American that the whole world is pretty much the same and that people really can live like we do if they just make an effort. It's easy for most of us to imagine a world without war or hunger because we've never had to face those frightening realities. As much as I try to sympathize, it's virtually impossible to imagine all the horrors encompassed in a diseased, war torn area or what it's like to be removed from your home and family and relocated halfway around the world.

More and more I listen to Svitlana's stories about having to leave Ukraine during WWII; moving to Germany and along the way having either potatoes 3 meals a day or watermelon depending on what was in season to harvest at the time. Having to wear the same clothes every single day and only bathing once a year- a year!

What must it have been like to have to run from bullets and bombs, trying to stay ahead of the encroaching front? How can you not forget watching friends and relatives die of starvation including your 5 month old baby sister?

I admit that as I hear these stories I'm intrigued, horrified, and increasingly grateful I was born in this country.

I can only hope I don't squander away all my freedom through idleness and willfull ignorance of what the world is really like.

A Day in May

2007-05-02T14:04:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it's May already?

Seems like I've been living life so fast this year I'm out of breath just thinking about it.... and yet somehow I still have trouble trying to be patient in some things. You'd think that if I'd just hold my breath a little longer, the waiting time would be over and where patience is required it would be found. Not the case.

Like any other American, I am consumed by instan gratification. I've been in denial about this for some time, but it was highlighted just last week. I was running short on funds and I had an overwhelming compulsion to buy the new Doctor Who series out on DVD. It's $100 I definitely didn't have, but I WANTED it.

I tried to borrow the money from 2 different people. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not the type to aks for money. Even my mom told me to wait. She reminded me I have a birthday coming up- like I could forget- and that if nothing else I should at least wait until the end of the week.

I didn't want to wait. I couldn't. I had to have it. Mom said I can't get everything I want when I want it and inside this rebellious little voice said "you just watch me". As fortune would have it, I received $85 the next day from a bowling banquet. Like all fortunate monetary receivings I thought some disaster would fall upon me to swoop away my reward but instead I spent it as fast as I could drive to the mall.

I managed to watch the entire season of Doctor Who- 585 minutes of it in 2 days. It's like mental crack. I couldn't stop.

Yesterday I received my federal tax rebate in the mail and already I'm planning to go to the mall today to buy more clothes. Do I really need them? Probably not. But I WANT new stuff. I'm getting older and I need new stuff to seem cool and make guys notice me, don't I?

(I'm not serious about that last statement but it's in the back of my mind sometimes).

I feel the strong pull of wanting to quench the desires that well up within me- with money and stuff instead of prayer. Many times prayer is enough to make my temptations subside, or just sleeping on them makes them diminish. Although sometimes it doesn't work and I'm not persistent in my prayers and I think I end up wasting so much money on stuff I don't really need.

It's just stuff to enhance my life, nothing that's necessary.
If I think of all the wardrobes I've gone through, all the money spent that I could stil have if I didn't care about fashion, about what other people thought....if I didn't keep losing jewelry or buying makeup.

I might even give away almost as much as I spend. I'm a pretty big tipper, take friends on trips, or to expensive hockey games, or buy expensive presents. I Love to dote upon people but that seems squanderous as well.

Like so many of my posts, I have no idea what my point is. Maybe there's just more worthwhile things for our earnings, or letting the money sit in savings might not be a bad idea. Just something I've been thinking about lately.

Happy belated May Day!

Hard to believe it's been almost a year since my last birthday and that in 23 days I will enter the last year of my life that I will ever be in my 20s.

Valentine's Day 2007: A Reflection on Being Single

2007-02-15T13:29:00.000-06:00

I realize Valentine's Day was yesterday, but reflection can't occur until after the fact.

It was yet another Valentine's day where I was determined not to let being single get to me. I resolved to celebrate and pursue other forms of love such as bortherly love or neighborly love. For the most part it worked. My mood was rather amiable all day even though Curt was in Colorado. (we're still not officially a couple). I gave a few co-workers Valentines and received a few e-mails and numerous text messages from friends, many of whom I was surprised to hear from. Curt did send me a text from Denver which was nice but not as much as I'd hoped.

All in all it was another ordinary day that I felt must somehow be made extraordinary- as commercialism instructs us to do. I left work early in order to buy a Russian-English dictionary and a car wash before having time to bathe and study Russian. With 4 cars ahead of me in was a good 35 minute wait in line for the wash but it was badly needed so I endured.

Everything seemed to go according to plan. I picked up Svetlana, my Russian instructor, and took her home after class. We were supposed tog have tea together but I postponed it until next week because I wanted to hang out with my usual Wednesday crowd (all males) and be doted upon because I craved male attention and I knew where to get it.

Dustin, the assistant manager of the bowling alley, gave me a teddy bear with chocolates. Yea! I got a Valetine present! Then I treated the guys to some french fries and some drinks. They treated me to drinks. After bowling, most of us went to the Parkside lounge to finish watching the Wild lose to the Canucks in OT. I didn't really want to hang out in a bar but instead was waiting to go hot tubbing. Dave, who owns the hot tub, wanted to stay at the bar for awhile.

About midnight, I found myself in a hot tub with 3 of my guy friends. For some reason the other girls who were supposed to arrive, didn't. About 90 minutes later I went home. It was a bit awkward being the only girl. So a rather ordinary day but it was fun I guess.

Am I glad I'm single? I don't mind it. Actually I find the thought of a prospective monogamous relationship kind of scary. I've always enjoyed my freedom. Me in a hot tub with 3 guys wouldn't have happened if I weren't single. There's a non-pressure of not having to care about someone else, yet there's a pressure of not having anyone, too. This probably doesn't make alot of sense yet I don't think I've ever claimed ot have much sense. :)

I don't think the day could really have been made much better by not being single so for now i'm content with singleness. Besisdes, I'll never know when I'll getto celebrate my last Valentine's day being single. A lot can happen in a year..........

The MN Wild vs The FL Panthers: The 5th Date

2007-02-10T11:49:00.000-06:00

This week has been a rather bizarre one. Will get to why in a moment.
Thursday night, I enjoyed the privilege of Curt's company at a MN Wild hockey game. I love hockey but am not a fan to the point where I know all the players and their numbers, but Curt is.

I didn't really have the money to go, but as I had the night off of class and was trying to do something both different and something to keep me out of trouble I asked Curt if he would go with me and he quickly agreed. I bought some tickets online-overpriced of course- and we met a ways down from the Xcel Center where I used to live and he used to work.

Curt payed for parking, food and beverages. We both had white Wild jerseys on coincidentally (awwwww yes we matched :) ). The seats were good, the company better and it was a good game with the Wild winning 4-2. Curt gave me some commentary on the game and we talked about other stuff and where we're coming from relationshipwise.

I told him of my fear of being in a realtionship because I couldn't stand being hurt again to where he replied that he's not out to break my heart and he doesn't want to be hurt either. I was able to guard my heart well throughout the night and yet still had a wonderful time. It was perfect.
This whole week I've been beaming and many people are noticing. However with Curt's job interview in Denver this week, the week upcoming might end in a more somber tone. For now I'm trying not to dwell on it.

The weirdness of this week is that, invariably, whenever I begin to become romantically involved with someone it seems that guys come out of the woodwork and suddenly tell me they have feelings for me. I think "where are all these guys when I'm single? and where do they go when I'm single once more?"

I'm not exceptionally strong when it comes to facing temptation so in general I try to avoid it, but last night was a bit overwhelming in temptational traps.

After work I needed to confer with some of my bowling teammates about an upcoming tournament. These teammates bowl on a Friday league with one of my exes. My ex, Chris, was there. As usual Chris flirted with me- while letting his eyes stray. I find it hard to stay mad at him though because he is so funny and charming. I felt my mind wander towards him and quickly left to go to church to avoid letting anything go further.

Mark's message on not wasting our lives (part 4) was very good and convicting. I came away feeling stronger and went to go sing at the VFW and have a quiet night. When I got there I noticed my good friend Vern there -with his wife whom I despise and who despises me. I won't get into all the drama that's happened there. It was uncomfortable though. Not 5 minutes later, Chris showed up and flirted with me-- and everyone else. By the time he started telling another girl all the bullshit he told me about having more time now and wanting to be together and having a lot in common, I was ready to leave. It was awkward and I was very angry- not to mention arguing with him in the bar. I left.

I stopped at the Parkside Lounge close to home to try to find some quiet time and yet still sing. When I got there a bunch of my friends also arrived. This is the same group of friends I have some lingering drama with from last summer when I decided to drink a bottle of Captain Morgan on an empty stomach and was inebriated to the point of not being able to understand English. Of course the 1 person from the group I have the most drama with, Audrey, my friend Dave's wife decided to come out last night. It was uncomfortable. I said hi to her but she blew me off which I expected. I don't despise her but she doesn't give people many reasons to be amiable towrds her. Even worse is that the reason for the drama, my friend Josh, was there and quite obviously intoxicated.

Long story short, last summer we were drunk and discovered in a compromising situation which I've regretted abundantly, but for which I've become the salt of the Earth. Josh and I have never spoken about what happened and have been a bit more distant since. Last night however, he was drunk and bold enough to make it quite obvious he's thought about me alot over the year and has "bad thoughts" about me running through his mind. Bad as in sexual.

He was insistent on kissing me and when I tried to refuse kissed my cheek. I admit I've been attracted to Josh since I met him, but he has a girlfriend somewhere who tends to disappear in the winter and is never present at any social event. It's very strange. Anyone who didn't know him would think he was completely single. My attraction for him diminished somewhat after what happened between us- not that I haven't thought about it much.

Now being involved with Curt though, it's not right or at least it doesn't feel right for me to go around kissing other guys- even though Curt's said we're not boyfriend/girlfriend at this point but has alluded to what might be in the near future. So I faced temptation last night. I was not a complete angel but I was able to run from it 3 times and come out of the evening without being compromised. Unfortunately the strength I felt after church last night has greatly diminished. I feel doubt and uncertaintly; longing- and lust creeping in. I'm trying to devise a plan to help steer me clear of these things.

I've been in The Word, and reading "My Utmost for His Highest". I've prayed. I've made plans to hang out with a girlfriend tonight, but all that doesn't feel like enough.

The thought that Curt and I might not last much longer if we decide to go our separate ways in the event of him relocating makes it worse. "What if? What if?" keeps running through my mind. Nothing good has ever come of me trying to bend the rules or disobey God-NOTHING and why I keep thinking any one time will be different I do not know. I need to refocus.

Now all I can do is wait, hold my breath and see what news I get this week.....and try to hide in a hole away from guys.

Dinner and a Movie: The 4th Date

2007-02-06T13:32:00.000-06:00

As many of my friends have taken to converting their blogs into baby blogs, for awhile CBAC will be geared more towards a dating blog, though with probably alot more randomness in between.

Last night- after nearly a month apart- Curt and I FINALLY got together to hang out. Both wanting to avoid the cold weather, we decided to hang out at my place. We're both so easy going and polite it's hard for us to make decisions. I prefer the man make all the decisions because that's less that I have to make. While Curt says he doesn't mind making decisions, he sure seems to find a way of deferring them to me, then I defer back until I get frustrated and just make the decision.

We finally decided on ordering in a pizza for dinner. It was my first on-line ordering experience as I ordered a large pepperoni- 1/2 mushroom pizza from Papa John's on my way out of the office. Since this date was planned very last minute I rushed home to shower and clean my entire apartment which fortunately wasn't in too bad a state to begin with.

Just as I finished the dishes, Curt arrived. Although I have looked forward to seeing him for a month, there was also an awkwardness in being with him after a long absence. We sat on the couch and talked about his job and how things are going. Next week he's flying to Denver to see about taking a management position with Qwest. This would of course mean he relocate to Denver which caused even more trepidation on my part as the night progressed.

It's hard enough for me to guard my heart around men. I'm so open with it-at the beginning at least- but I don't want to fall for someone who may be leaving soon. Not that it would be the end of the world, but I know I'm not the kind of person to handle long-distance relationships well nor do I think I should rush to move to Denver myself.

I've been looking to leave Minnesota for several years and so far haven't found a good enough reason to. Denver was one of my possibilites and I do have other friends there, but I would need to move out there for more than to just follow a guy I've sort of been waiting for, for 5 years.....not that I was really "waiting" for him but sort of....

So throughout the evening last night I tried to be affectionate yet keep a distance. I discussed my revelation with my best girlfriend that after watching "Pride an Prejudice" this past weekend, I noticed that women avoided eye contact with prospective suitors in order to maintain better composure around them.

It's true that when a guy looks deep into my eyes, I crumble and all my vulnerablilites surface. I can't help it. So I tried to avoid eye contact and it worked for the most part. The pizza soon arrived and Curt picked out "Hitch" for us to watch as he'd never seen the whole thing. I think it's a great date movie.

As we sat down with our pizza, he gave me a quick smooch on the lips and further on in the movie he asked me if I could tell about us by the way he kissed me- or something to that effect. It was in response to the line in the movie "where 8 out of 10 women believe the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship......"

When the movie was over we talked a bit more, but I honestly couldn't think of any conversation topics. The tension was growing in the room and I felt more awkward. That is until he leaned over and full on kissed me.....and kissed me.....and kissed me. After some amount of time (which felt like 2 seconds) he said he'd stay and kiss me all night, but he had to be to work at 6am. So I told him to get out (jokingly) and he kissed me all the way out the door. It was sweet......not like we were all over each other or anything. He was a perfect gentleman and promised me we'd see each other again (in less than a month this time).

He alluded to feeling a bit apprehensive about jumping into anything since his divorce is VERY recent and I told him I don't want to be a rebound girl. He said he doesn't want me to be either and that he's waited a very long time for us to be together in a right way. So of course my head's been spinning ever since and I've literally been skipping through the office today. However, in the back of my mind I keep thinking about Denver.

I see no reason why he wouldn't both get and take the job out there. This is forever my luck with guys. I either find very bad guys or none at all, and if chance to find one I might have something with- he leaves either by relocation or to the hereafter. (My 1st boyfriend died in a car accident).

For this week I'm going to enjoy my elated state though and let next week worry about itself.

Now I just have to focus om bowling this afternoon since my team was swept by the last place team last week. I feel like I might bowl well. Then I have a lot of Russian studying to do.

Just Another Ordinary Day

2007-02-03T09:38:00.000-06:00

I would have to agree with fellow blogger Peter (JLP) that February is the month of the damned. It's cold, it's dark, and it takes love out of romance.

Today I have nothing pertinent to write about. It's been a strenuous week in the aspect that for the next two months I am learning both German and Russian. A bit ambitious perhaps, but I have this problem with sitting still. Television holds next to no interest for me, so rather than stare at the walls I take classes. My cubicle is full of post-its with German words and a big chart of the Russian alphabet.
Now my mind is full of words in all these languages and it's trying to sort out which words go to which language. (For those that don't know me, I speak Spanish every day at work and there's always more to learn there).

Looking back on my last post, I may have been having a stressful day and had a slight chip on my shoulder. Nothing makes me angrier or more frustrated than when someone says they're going to call and doesn't, or when they say they'll be somewhere and don't show up. How I find so many of this class of people I'll never know.

The more I pray for patience lately, it seems the less of it I have. I have no patience to wait around for anyone, no patience to bowl, no patience to stay in any one place for more than 2 hours (including work) and seem to wrestle with everything. I feel like as I'm trying to run more towards God it's sort of diagonally- like I think I'm running straight to him, but really I'm sidestepping alot.

So as this week has passed here's where my dating life stands:

Curt and I have spoken several times via e-mail. He is the sweetest guy I've conversed with. Thinking back on the 5+ years I've known him, he's always been very sweet. We haven't gotten together though and it's now been almost a month since I last saw him.

He says in every message how he misses me and can't wait to see me, but every time I come up with a time or place to do something he's either unavailable or just doesen't answer his phone. this week he's not feeling well because of a flu shot he got on Monday. It's the classic case of saying one thing and doing another. So what can I do? Just keep giving him grace I suppose and wait for his drama to die down.

In the meantime, I went to dinner Tuesday with another friend, Mike. Mike can be annoying at times and a bit immature but he does have some redeeming qualities. He loves to fish and spend time up north. He's polite and returns calls. :) I was very skeptical about going out with him, but it went very well. He wants to hang out tonight. So as I want to keep moving forward and not put my life in limbo or put it on hold to wait around and see what some guy's going to do next, why not go out with other people?

I won't call it a date, just hanging out. More and more I think this dating thing isn't for me. Dating alludes to romance and certain expectations, and how to form a relationship based upon Biblical priciples seems to keep eluding me.

It's hard to figure out dating or hanging out with people outside the umbrella of the Rock or Evergreen, etc. Most of my friends outside the Rock are non-practicing Christians or want nothing to do with church. Their views are very worldly and makes it confusing and tempting to go back to a more worldly way of living. Just sucks. There's my little woman's perspective for the week. Boys have cooties.. :)

One other interesting conversation I had this week was before my German class. There are 2 Fransican nuns who are in my class and we were discussing God and the different denominations beforehand. I told them I'm not Catholic but my mom's family is and my dad used to work in a convent so I'm familiar with going to mass. When I told them I was non-denominational and what my church was about, they said that was a trend of younger people and asked if I went there because I wanted that "feel good" experience. I explained that I've been to churches of just about every denomination and non-denom is what's best for me- not to mention what I was raised in. They were polite but I could tell they think Catholicism is "the only way". It was an interesting conversation and I'm sure we'll have many more in the weeks to come.

That's about all for my random thoughts this week.

DATING ADVICE

2007-01-29T16:45:00.000-06:00

If there's one thing the world's never short on, it's advice. Everyone has an opinion and most aren't afraid to share theirs.

Pretty recently I decided to re-enter the dating world. I believe dating is hard enough, but as a Christian who is trying to avoid the worldly trends including cohabitation, no sex before marriage, and non-recreational dating it can be a real challenge- actually there's a 5 letter word for it that starts with "B".

Dating has never been easy for me. I never had a childhood sweetheart and I didn't even have my first kiss until I was almost 24. Most of my early 20s were spent learning how to overcome being shy and scared to death around men. Once I convinced myself that not every guy was a potential rapist or mass murderer I didn't think they were all that bad.....then I started dating a few of them.

My parents never really talked about dating. The only advice they had to offer is that I couldn't date until I was 30. All my siblings are younger and none of them have dated much at all. Most of my cousins even close to my age on both sides of the family are unmarried single parents. The friends I acquired during my early 20s were also either single parents, married, or looking to get laid.

So where does a girl go to find potential candidates for "dating" that won't involve sex at the end of the night, or me requiring to pay for everything- or even my half. Where does a girl in this day and age go to find a gentleman (outside the nursing home)?

My father always said I would only find a husband in church. I went to church. (he no longer did) There were thousands of people at my church. Why were all the guys between 25-35 conspicuously hidden? I joined some of the singles events at the church. Sure I met some cool people, but no one that really caught my fancy. It didn't help also that at the time I was dealing with the latent pain and trauma of some previous not-so-Christian relationships. At that time I could rationalize just about anything to be "God's will".

So I started going to another church. Low and behold- there were lots of guys there and they were all my age! People all around me were dating and getting married all the time. I figured I finally found the right place. I mean yeah, church is for God and stuff but look at all these single people around me! Right? WRONG!

After attending this church for a few years (which I still absolutely love) I came to realize that many of the people who got married and were devout in the church suddenly seemed to disappear. The eligible guys left seemed too timid to step up to the plate and despite our pastor teaching good dating ethics and trying to stir the guys to move, I think it more frightened them away. There's an unspoken assumption that if a guy and girl are seen talking together that they are dating....and if you're dating you HAVE to get married. It seems absurd, but the mentality is there.

For awhile, I thought bars might not be a bad place to go. I like to sing karaoke and have yet to find a non-alcoholic karaoke bar that's close to home. I met a few guys in bars (all jerks of course) but I figured I'm not such a bad person and if I can go to a bar and be a decent person, some hightly eliglible guy could be there, too. It didn't take me long to see the insanity of this mentality....besides after sobriety sets in, the guy that looked so good the night before can make you cringe the next day.

I've had guys randomly call me- some by accident most on purpose. Most have been friends I've had for years who have gotten divorced or who were just scrolling thru their phone books one night. It was just such a random phone call 2 months ago that led me back to dating again.

In this case, it was a good friend of mine who'd just gotten married when I met him 5 years ago and got divorced recently. We hadn't spoken in about 6 or 7 months and he wanted to take me out. Now comes the part of advice. (I could write a book on this).

How long do I wait before I call him? When he tells me he'll call and doesn't, what do I do? If I blow him off, what do I do when he apologized profusely the next day and sincerely says all the things I need to hear and melts my heart? He's got lots of drama going on in his life and I just got rid of mine....what's a safe distance from the drama? And hoe close can I still get but still stay away from the drama?

He was always a person to return calls and answer messages and now isn't? Is it the drama? He repeatedly says he wants to spend more time with me but I've only seen him 3 times in 2 months. What the F#$% is his F&^*#$g deal? He says "I want to see you very soon" and in the next sentence says, "and I know good things come to those who wait". What the F$%^ does that mean? So obviously I'm quite beside myself and frustrated. I need advice.

Who do you go to for advice? Mom of course. Mom says forget about him. If he can't call bak he's not worth it. he's got to make all the effort.

Ok- what about all the drama? Shouldn't I be a little gracious? Mom says NO.

Next I go to best friend (who happens to be an ex-boyfriend now turned gay-but hey I get the male perspective). Best friend says I'm too soft. I need to toughen up and be more of a B$%ch. I should chuck him and move on to another guy, or many other guys.

Ok- but all I can think about is this guy I mean he's the first guy I've really liked in 5 years and he seems to genuinely like me back and I dont' want to lose him- besides I think I'm really starting to develop feeling for him. Best friend says to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and stop being such a pussy.

Next I go to best girlfiend who also goes to my church. Best Girlfriend says to give him more grace and space but that "dating" is worldly and it's better to let something develop out of a close friendship.

Ok- I thought that's what I was doing (and Deb if you read this don't kill me :)!) He and I have been good friends for 5 years- but not too close because he was married.....but how can something more develop if you don't hang out together and have it turn towards romance- which it did. And isn't hanging out in a romantic fashion called "DATING"?

Still others say I should consider singleness as a gift. A Gift? If it were a true gift, why is finding a significant other a multi-zillion dollar business? Why doesn't anyone really want singleness truly? So I'm stuck once again in limbo.......guess we'll see how the week goes. God's really working with me on this patience thing.

How does it relate to bowling? Well, this particualar guy "Curt" I round-a-boutly met at the bowling alley when I used to work there.

Also, this past weekend I bowled the best series in 5 years with a 172, 235, 183, 198 and I took first place in a scotch doubles tournament the next day.

Any other advice out there? I was stood up yesterday and so far haven't heard from Curt, nor have a received an e-mail apology. I called him twice yesterday and nothing. What do YOU think?

Stayin' Alive!

2006-12-13T14:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was the roll-off match between my team and my brother's team. Proudly I say unto you that my team aka "Stayin' Alive" secured first place and will automatically bowl in the championship game at the end of the season.

Now if we can somehow manage to stay strong and win the second half, we'll face ourselves- actually we'd face the second place team but I'm not sure how that works. I should know these things being the secretary I suppose but htis is my freshman year for that.

I just want to say how much I love my team! When I had to go from bowling 4+ leagues a week to just 1 it was easy to choose which team I'd stay with. We're the smallest yet strongest team on the league and when one of us falls down and had a bad day, the other 3 team members invariably pick up the slack.

Also- I was randomly called and asked out on a date 2 days after my last post by a guy I know - from the bowling alley. Can you imagine? Actually our friendship extends beyond that one place but that's where I met him.

It was quite shocking as last I spoke to him several months ago he was trying to focus on his marriage (that's a looonnggg story) and apparently he is now divorced and decided to look me up. So I'm back in the dating game; hopefully with a bit more seasoning, experience, and success this time. Time will tell.

(Details upon request) :)

A New Beginning

2006-12-05T13:58:00.000-06:00

It seems that somehow or another, many of the major events of my life over the past 6 years are related to a bowling alley.

Bowling allies aren't churches but have somehow remained social centers of urban hood rats such as myself. One of my younger brothers manages a bowling alley called Sun Ray Lanes- it's coincidence that S,R, and L are also the initials of of my father's name.

My sister works there as a waitress. I also used to work there as a bartender/waitress. Almost every relationship I've had with the opposite sex came from or is somehow indirectly related to this bowling alley and for whatever reason this place still has an impact on my life as much as my church does.

Therefore, I resolve to chronicle the weird, awkward, fun, challenging and misc. experiences in my life which no doubt result because this bowling alley continues to operate.

More posts to follow......

Jackass Drivers

2006-09-16T11:50:00.000-05:00

It's generally known among my friends that I only haave one speed when it comes to driving-FAST!

However there are driver's who I consider a bit excessively fast. I try to keep it to 70 within city limits and 80-85 outside.

Nothing aggrivates me more than stupid drivers and this morning on the way to work I was witness to a prime example of jackass driving.

While driving westbound on hwy 36, I cruised at about 70 with great caution because it was also raining. After having spun out on a freeway years ago at the same speed, I have no intention of doing it again anytime soon. I was in the left lane when some SUV decided to cut right in front of me for no apparent reason and stay at 60 mph. I looked behind me and a black sedan comes up right behind me doing about 80-85 I'd say. He passed me and jumped ahead and stayed maybe 3 inches of the next guy's bumper. Both lanes were blocked to where he couldn't pass anymore but that din't stop him from trying.

I watched in horror as he wrecklessly swerved between cars nearly taking out about 5 of them, then jumping at last into the left lane and deciding to make a very abrupt exit on the right nearly taking out himself and yet another car.

I honestly could not believe i was witnessing this. I thought about coming up behind him to get his license plate # but that's when he quickly exited.

How can people get away with this? Where are the cops? I'm sure they'd be right there if i was driving like a jackass. I also don't even want to start on the foreigners who drive about 40 on hte highway.

Road rage? Yes I have it. I try to be patient but there are so many idiotic drivers out there.
This is where I support the second amendment and the right to execute it. I don't need a shotgun per se to take people out, but give me a good paintball rifle so i can mess their cars up.

Ok- I feel better now.

Awake?

2006-08-17T15:58:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and think your may still be asleep?

I often have dreams of waking up and getting ready for work only to "really" wake up and have to do it all over again; or worse I wake up from a dream where I've been at work all day.

This morning I heard my alarm go off. It was the first morning I awoke to the new sound "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy" which I downloaded this week. Although I heard the alarm, it didn't prompt me to get up.

I re-entered the dream world where I could buy romaine lettuce and green onions at the library whereI bought books from my pastor, Mark. I found it more amusing that Mark was more concerned about me getting ripped off and thus added some veggies to my bunches because some of mine were a bit decayed, than he was with turning a profit ofr the company.

I enjoyed being with my friends, especially the notorious "Mr. T" who I have a slight crush on (not the Mr. T from the A-team, but someone who goes to my church). Then, I heard the sound of a doorbell. I swear I heard a doorbell- not an actual doorbell, but the sound my phone makes when I get a message.

I instantly popped out of bed and checked my phone- nothing. I swear there should have been a message there, not that getting messaged from people is common at 7am-wait 7 am?

I overslept by an hour yet calmly got ready with everything running smoothly. I swore I must still be dreaming. I know I heard that doorbell. Mornings I oversleep are always frantic.....

The only way I could tell I wasn't dreaming was that my eyelids kept falling shut all morning.

I just hope I don't wake up and find I have to start the work day all over again- wait, I suppose it would mean that it's tomorrow then.

I can't win.